May 29, 2010

Mentally Wounded in Combat

Welcome home brothers and sisters. Coming back home is difficult, in some ways more difficult than the battlefield. At home, we have no reprieve from life, only what we steal in zoning out or losing minutes if not days a double-edged sword that is our relief. At home, we must examine everything in detail, in the battlefield we kill a perceived threat, we don't talk about it and discuss the finer points on the emotionality of the situation.

So, today we perceive everything as a threat...especially unconditional our world...where we never wanted to triggers so many alarms within a Combat PTSD Vet, that I myself after 20 years...cannot differentiate that alarm from the sirens of danger...(my two year relationship w/my ex-girlfriend just ended last night on the same night as my youngest son's message on my phone) "IF you Got ANYTHING to say to me, say it to my face you..." and add any threatening kind of explicative you can think my life still sucks...but...but. My ex-girlfriend and I split because of my inability to connect on an emotional level...I was a good therapist though.
The medicines the VA wants me to take...rob me of my emotions...I cannot feel when I do it is so intense that I want to take drastic measures...and that has spilled over into my life lately...I might need treatment again.
Then comes the reality that this thing may be for life. I need to know THE latest research...I need the knowledge to understand this thing myself...I need a therapist to help with interpretation as we who hold the HIGH honor of 'Mentally Wounded in Combat' can attest is the even if we don't know it or can verbalize it we have left our SQUAD of hold an eternal sense of shame in doing so..."we just cut our body off" and now we return home with JUST our head and it is fuckin damaged...

But, I am not sick in the sense that we have come down with a malady. I...have had to much damage to our brain...Mine was from witnessing literally (I mean L i t e r a l l y) thousands of the official US Army unit, brigade for vehicle on, driver BFV..I was on point for the Division so I saw it all...10,000-35,000 enemy soldiers killed in 100 HOURS (99%), and 3 campaigns later my division was involved in the most intensive modern day desert tank battles in history. Except I am in a little BFV in a big Freaking tank battle. Yep, and I led the the tanks into the battle and then I would get the fuck out as fast as I could...that was my job in the war...I saw over 20,000 PEOPLE get killed in an orgy of killing with and over 40,000 vehicles mangled by explosive twisting forces they were driving...(My Papers, any of the statistics could be me)

I drove for 7 days straight without sleep. No telling what that in itself did to me, of course along with the 100 hours of combat was the easiest part to stay awake for...

My brain is damaged...thats whats wrong with me...I send mixed signals. Yes I do. I get them all the time, and I know that that is me too. I learned all that I have to try and get it back but I did not work (cried after realizing that thats why I am stuck today). I try so hard to understand myself...and I am as confused to my understanding as I was decades ago at times. Today I realize that is the MENTAL WOUND that I carry today. Is it a license to go Willy-Nilly? NO, is it something that I struggle with on a daily basis (technical shit)? Shit yes, DO YOU WANT A FUCKIN BROKEN BRAIN? I will


  1. Soldier on Brother. You're in good company.

  2. Thank you...we must stand together to get through this brother


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