This posting expounds more on my last article from July 10, 2009. There might be more on this subject coming soon.
We all have unconscious scripts that we operate from originating in our childhood; from friends, family, community, culture and nation. When we fail to identify these scripts, standard operating procedures or behavior patterns, the consequences from such can become overwhelming. Baffling choices can leave us questioning our decision making skills and can have deleterious effects on our lives leaving us with a lifetime of regret and sorrow.
When we fail to look at why we make our decisions and how we made them, then we can become caught in a cycle of self defeating behaviors. Sometimes we may begin to accept our "bad luck" or "fate" and resign ourselves to a life of broken dreams. If we believe in our perceived life restrictions then we fail to live to our potential.
Showing posts with label self-care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-care. Show all posts
July 11, 2009
April 25, 2009
Reflections of Self: Self-Care, Healing the Healer
I have been battling my demons also; I have an intimate understanding of an overwhelmed and heavily burden soul. I have to constantly remind myself take my time, no hurry here in the journey of healing. I thought I was literally crazy until my education on my malady gave me a sense of normalcy. I learned about posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and found that I was not alone in this “inner world,” I was able to begin building a foundation on which I could begin to face my inner demons. In educating myself I had finally discovered my particular pathology and that I could watch for triggers, use newly found coping skills and find a way to express my inner torment without self destructing.
After the initial euphoria abated I discovered a false belief that I would find an inner peace upon the discovery of what ailed me, but nothing had changed except that I know more than before. I was let down, when I realized what was "wrong" with me I had an immense relief, but then it hit me that nothing had changed at all! That I did not anticipate, I was expecting this realization to have significant changes. Today I understand that nothing is wrong with me, I have yet to achieve a developmentally congruent stage that matches my age. According to Erikson’s lifespan stages I am currently battling through several stages at the same time; rapidly vacillating back and forth through stages one through seven.
It took me having to go through existential crisis’ to realize that I had an inner strength that has eluded me in the last twenty years. Subconsciously I use to feel that PTSD was a weakness, by my military training and the implications within the greater society. The stigma attached to mental illness impeded my recovery and instilled a deep sense of hopelessness that still troubles me today.
I have been considering getting involved with the Veterans Administration (VA) peer support program, but have yet to take that leap. I do know that what the expected individual involvement, but by placing myself in that role of the helper I may find my trust issues raging. I am not sure I would find that in the peer support program, but I will be making inquires soon as I have to do something different than I have lately.
To further expand my judgments and perceptions, trusting is a double-edged sword that can cut deep. So the possibly of a distorted perspective and warped sense of trust I can sometimes find fault in everyone that does not think like me. This does not mean that I have the correct assumption, my experiences in combat have vastly altered my value system, emotional make up, perceptions of others, and behaviors to name a few. I usually try and tend to my perceptions and intuitions as they can lead me in the right direction many times. Sometimes though, especially when I am more depressed than usual I cannot trust my judgment all the time. To combat this I have been seriously considering finding a male role model in the clinical field as a mentor so that he could be a model in which I could aspire to.
I will never give up on my lifelong process of healing, I have learned to better assert myself and have put away most of my outward aggression. I wish to find someone who can interact with me in a way that complements my personality, someone who can find the time and have a vested interest in my recovery and friendship. A male mentor in the clinical field would compliment and foster a sustainable growth in which I could use as a base for practicing therapy. By continuing therapy throughout the next couple of years and possibly beyond, I will be able to ensure a more balanced life and practice.
After the initial euphoria abated I discovered a false belief that I would find an inner peace upon the discovery of what ailed me, but nothing had changed except that I know more than before. I was let down, when I realized what was "wrong" with me I had an immense relief, but then it hit me that nothing had changed at all! That I did not anticipate, I was expecting this realization to have significant changes. Today I understand that nothing is wrong with me, I have yet to achieve a developmentally congruent stage that matches my age. According to Erikson’s lifespan stages I am currently battling through several stages at the same time; rapidly vacillating back and forth through stages one through seven.
It took me having to go through existential crisis’ to realize that I had an inner strength that has eluded me in the last twenty years. Subconsciously I use to feel that PTSD was a weakness, by my military training and the implications within the greater society. The stigma attached to mental illness impeded my recovery and instilled a deep sense of hopelessness that still troubles me today.
I have been considering getting involved with the Veterans Administration (VA) peer support program, but have yet to take that leap. I do know that what the expected individual involvement, but by placing myself in that role of the helper I may find my trust issues raging. I am not sure I would find that in the peer support program, but I will be making inquires soon as I have to do something different than I have lately.
To further expand my judgments and perceptions, trusting is a double-edged sword that can cut deep. So the possibly of a distorted perspective and warped sense of trust I can sometimes find fault in everyone that does not think like me. This does not mean that I have the correct assumption, my experiences in combat have vastly altered my value system, emotional make up, perceptions of others, and behaviors to name a few. I usually try and tend to my perceptions and intuitions as they can lead me in the right direction many times. Sometimes though, especially when I am more depressed than usual I cannot trust my judgment all the time. To combat this I have been seriously considering finding a male role model in the clinical field as a mentor so that he could be a model in which I could aspire to.
I will never give up on my lifelong process of healing, I have learned to better assert myself and have put away most of my outward aggression. I wish to find someone who can interact with me in a way that complements my personality, someone who can find the time and have a vested interest in my recovery and friendship. A male mentor in the clinical field would compliment and foster a sustainable growth in which I could use as a base for practicing therapy. By continuing therapy throughout the next couple of years and possibly beyond, I will be able to ensure a more balanced life and practice.
October 20, 2008
For Family of Incarcerated Veterans and Soldiers
In the last post I wrote some suggestions to help with a veteran or soldier diagnosed with PTSD and charged with a crime, today I want to touch on some additional suggestions to those persons involved and separated from their loved ones. This information could apply to anyone in a position of adversity and great change.
During times of great turmoil and adversity such as a loved one struggling and succumbing to the ravishing effects of PTSD, this will release devastating effects on the person and sometimes can reap outrageous and deleterious consequences to others. During times such as the later, we may have our loved one incarcerated due to their actions under extreme duress due to triggered stressors leading to abominable repercussions to all involved.
This tragedy will lead to a host of emotional states, starting a whole cycle of sensations you will be going through, similar to the grief cycle that goes with a loss of a loved one as if they had passed away. Realize this and begin your passage through it, without doing this you will not be able to weather the oncoming issues.
The first issue needing attention more than anything; take care of yourself first. This will be a long journey that you find yourself in, it has just begun. I'm sure your loved one wants you to be happy and to do that, you need not put your life on hold during this ordeal.
I went through a long custody battle for my children and put everything on hold for 8 years and as this court battle went on, to the detriment of my mental and physical health. I won custody of my children in my state, but she moved them to the next state that did not recognize my states proceedings or my court order for custody. Long story short, I DID NOT THINK OF MY SELF FIRST and lost everything, my kids, house, my second marriage and eventually my sanity. I let the whole ordeal define me; I was the case and the case was me, there was nothing else, and I was consumed by the whole process.
Self-care is not being selfish, since I have learned that by thinking about myself and meeting my needs first I was able to take resume my responsibilities. I learned the concepts of personal boundaries where boundary concepts and identification gives you the ability to not let life and situations overwhelm and control you; your feelings of discomfort will alert you of boundary intrusions.
Self-care is loving yourself so you can love others, helping yourself so you may help others as long as no harm has come to you. When I figured this out I was able to function at a level I had never before achieved. By not taking care of self we begin to loath self and think only in terms of failure, a development of self-loathing and negative perspectives will warp our reality and doom us to fail; a self fulling prophecy. Extremely important to my peace of mind, praying and meditating.
It seems counterproductive to issues of great importance to you today, this process will be a long and drawn out trial and ordeal for all concerned. You have to accept that, it is of utmost important that you accept this, right now. It will alleviate quite a bit of anxiety and stress just by accepting that you have been committed to a long process that may take years to resolve.
It may feel as if you will be betraying your soldier or veteran by trying to let go of some of the feelings that you have been clinging to. It only feels like this, you have to let go of these feelings to get through it. By holding on to the emotions and not letting go we stay stuck in the moment and cannot grow. The ability to grow in personal development during times of extreme adversity will be the ONE thing we need to begin toward a forward momentum, without it we will fail.
Now, with our acceptance of personal self and our life situation our load will lighten, as we now have the ability to spontaneously interact with our environment instead of only reacting. We can begin to trust our own judgments in the moment without having to try and think of every possibility and contingency in exchanges between individuals. By doing this we loose sight of the subtler interactions in life and miss out on important exchanges that effective interpersonal communication requires.
List of Self-Care Contingencies:
During times of great turmoil and adversity such as a loved one struggling and succumbing to the ravishing effects of PTSD, this will release devastating effects on the person and sometimes can reap outrageous and deleterious consequences to others. During times such as the later, we may have our loved one incarcerated due to their actions under extreme duress due to triggered stressors leading to abominable repercussions to all involved.
This tragedy will lead to a host of emotional states, starting a whole cycle of sensations you will be going through, similar to the grief cycle that goes with a loss of a loved one as if they had passed away. Realize this and begin your passage through it, without doing this you will not be able to weather the oncoming issues.
The first issue needing attention more than anything; take care of yourself first. This will be a long journey that you find yourself in, it has just begun. I'm sure your loved one wants you to be happy and to do that, you need not put your life on hold during this ordeal.
I went through a long custody battle for my children and put everything on hold for 8 years and as this court battle went on, to the detriment of my mental and physical health. I won custody of my children in my state, but she moved them to the next state that did not recognize my states proceedings or my court order for custody. Long story short, I DID NOT THINK OF MY SELF FIRST and lost everything, my kids, house, my second marriage and eventually my sanity. I let the whole ordeal define me; I was the case and the case was me, there was nothing else, and I was consumed by the whole process.
Self-care is not being selfish, since I have learned that by thinking about myself and meeting my needs first I was able to take resume my responsibilities. I learned the concepts of personal boundaries where boundary concepts and identification gives you the ability to not let life and situations overwhelm and control you; your feelings of discomfort will alert you of boundary intrusions.
Self-care is loving yourself so you can love others, helping yourself so you may help others as long as no harm has come to you. When I figured this out I was able to function at a level I had never before achieved. By not taking care of self we begin to loath self and think only in terms of failure, a development of self-loathing and negative perspectives will warp our reality and doom us to fail; a self fulling prophecy. Extremely important to my peace of mind, praying and meditating.
It seems counterproductive to issues of great importance to you today, this process will be a long and drawn out trial and ordeal for all concerned. You have to accept that, it is of utmost important that you accept this, right now. It will alleviate quite a bit of anxiety and stress just by accepting that you have been committed to a long process that may take years to resolve.
It may feel as if you will be betraying your soldier or veteran by trying to let go of some of the feelings that you have been clinging to. It only feels like this, you have to let go of these feelings to get through it. By holding on to the emotions and not letting go we stay stuck in the moment and cannot grow. The ability to grow in personal development during times of extreme adversity will be the ONE thing we need to begin toward a forward momentum, without it we will fail.
Now, with our acceptance of personal self and our life situation our load will lighten, as we now have the ability to spontaneously interact with our environment instead of only reacting. We can begin to trust our own judgments in the moment without having to try and think of every possibility and contingency in exchanges between individuals. By doing this we loose sight of the subtler interactions in life and miss out on important exchanges that effective interpersonal communication requires.
List of Self-Care Contingencies:
- Self-care, by taking care of self we can navigate life successfully
- Personal boundaries, with self defined boundaries we can assert ourselves effectively
- Grief-cycle, by accepting our situations and self we can grow as our life situations require
- Acceptance, self validation and self examination allows change and forward momentum
- Interpersonal communication, allows for effective exchanges; a give and take interaction necessary for negotiations that dominate most social situations, business networking and judicial settings
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