Veteran on the Edge

This post is inspired by reading Patience Mason's PTSD Blog about her new book idea. She asks, "Reality is that most people who come back from war, or survive another trauma, are not fine, so if that might fit you, here are some questions to think about: How or why might you be fucked up?"

Dear Joe Public,

I would doubt you were in the military or a veteran if you could not recite two or more times a curious and insensitive clod trampled through your trauma to relive his boyhood romanticized thriller of the military life.

For the insensitive thinking that leads a stranger to ask intimate questions, and then discount my story because it does not match the official narrative. Even though most know the television and government lies about everything.

I am not fine. Why the fuck would you expect me to be? Because my war was a little war and does not matter? I hear this all too often, recently and even from veterans.

I am angry and full of rage when not numb or heavily medicated. Hear my witness, in three days my brigade killed over 24,000 Iraqi soldiers under the Desert Storm.

When I got home the idiot box repeaters called me a liar further altering people's perceptions of me as unstable. Caregivers know the safest people in the world are standing next to veterans with PTSD.

When I got home it took filing seven times with the Veterans Administration to get a 0% service connected rating for hearing loss.

In 2005 unchecked PTSD led me to get stabbed in the face and precipitated a crisis. Hospitalized for two weeks in psychic ward and then transferred to a two-year intensive treatment center for veterans.

It took the ninth case, to get a 30% rating for PTSD. Without the support from the treatment center I would not be alive or have a stable life.

Fast forward past the bouts of homelessness, and over 12 hospitalizations for suicidal ideation, in 2007 and the eleventh case, I was finally awarded an 80% service connection for PTSD, hearing loss and tinnitus. Which seriously exacerbates PTSD and infuses the flashbacks and hallucinations with sound, when I am doing deaf.

Do not ever forget. I participated and witnessed in a massacre. For I cannot. My mother shared stories of our great-great grandmother walking the Trail of Tears as a child. I now know her level of sorrow, a lost Cherokee of an unknown clan, branded with genocide where the past meets the present.

Today, if I make perfect financial decisions every month I can barely get by. But, I am not only human and prone to the same mistakes and stresses everyone faces. That is a base for a veteran with combat PTSD, MST and TBI, welcome to our good day. Now heap on hyperstress and crippling anxiety that literally makes your skin crawl. Welcome to our good day. For a great day, heap on cannabis. I don't make enough money to have that the whole month though.

Why the fuck would I shoot bullet eyes when you ask, "Are you okay?" No, I am on the edge. Are you ready to listen?

Cannabis and the Veterans Suicide Tsunami

By 2014, waves of soldiers surged in the tides of our modern wars, with 2.7 million veterans lost in the detritus of conflict, as compared to Vietnam's 2.6 million. Both populations amplifying the undercurrents of the veteran suicide tsunami, inundating our communities. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), the third highest psychiatric diagnosis for returning veterans, erodes buoyancy and dulls surfing the edges of sanity. The veteran rates of PTSD are 9% when returning, with a sharp liquid curve up to 31% a year later.

Swimming in the undercurrents, therapists report higher rates where 50% seeking help, only half get minimum treatment, thus triggering a seaquake spraying untreated veterans across communities, prisons and institutions. Army vets wash up in 67% of PTSD cases, where 19% received a traumatic brain injury, and 7% have both. Preceded by the military suicide epidemic, add bias in reporting veterans accidental deaths, plus under-reported statistics and treatment, and no central data veterans ride the white-capped waves suffering in silence, through ineffective systems, pour in poor record keeping from institutions, sets a consummate storm.

In the deep-sea of misery, the re-experiencing of vivid and graphic memories take form, in and out of reality. Often no memories and sometimes we cannot forget, a deluge of fears, repeating disturbing intrusions, running from bombs and bullets the green ghosts skip across the periscope screen. Studies point to previous trauma with increased risk and severity deepens when the soldier killed, failed to save a comrade, handled the dead, and saw atrocities. Tumbling further for veterans incarcerated, victims of military sexual trauma (MST), multiple deployments, childhood traumatization and or have substance abuse issues, all increasing suicidal behavior and risk taking. Rising tides in women veterans issues, higher rates of childhood abuse, MST, domestic violence and assault combined with combat increases the stress response and plunges with amputees and prisoners of war, where 37% are more likely to succumb to suicide. To cope, many veterans self medicate, often leading to substance abuse and an exacerbated mental health.

Where 39% abuse alcohol and 3% harder drugs, an increasing number of veterans are turning to cannabis to quell the agitating flashbacks, regurgitating anxiety attacks, gushing nightmares and flooding dissociation. Veterans using cannabis to quell the storm, report higher coping and increased resilience, significant anxiety reduction and a better quality of sleep, plus a full range of emotions to include joy and happiness. The hypothalamus and amygdala mediate stress through the endocannabinoid and limbic systems, tripping or skipping over the flight or fight survival mechanism. Cannabinoids function in fear extinction, role switching, and regulating the neuroendocrine system governing behavioral responses, resetting the mind's ocean; with calm, deep and cool convections. To quell the veteran suicide tsunami claiming 112,000 lives in the last 14 years, make cannabis legal and available to veterans.

Helping Others Tell Their Stories

Darby being awesome!

I hope all of our readers have enjoyed all of our regular posts, but you might not know that Scott, Travis Martin, Michelle Monte, and myself all spend a lot of our time helping others tell their own stories. Writing helps us a lot so we try and take time to help others do the same. If you enjoy the regular posts here then there is no reason why will not enjoy our Blue Nostalgia.

It is free to read and free to join Military Experience & the Arts online writing workshops.  We are always accepting new submissions and you will never be turned down without someones helping you finish your writing. The most impressive thing about this issue is not how many views it has already received in less than forty-eight hours, but how everyone of the writers wants to continue participating in the online community. Even those whose writing never makes it online, often take advantage of online support groups and being apart of a community of veterans all going through the same things. I often think about the Military Experience & the Arts's online community as this generations version of the WWI expatriate writing community in Europe. We may not live up to that generation's legacy, but there is the same sense of community, and we are always welcoming and training a new generation of trauma writers. For me it is an honor to know all these people let alone playing a key role.

Preparing for Therapy

So you are ready for therapy but don't know what to expect. What's the difference between all the mental health professionals?

A psychologist has a PhD, they use a variety of therapies but do not prescribe medications. They usually run programs, in rank they compare to captains. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who specializes in mental health, they use a variety of therapies and prescribe medication. They often run departments, they would be considered a colonel or appropriate rank.

Therapists would be the high-ranking Non-commissioned officers the military could not run without. They are usually clinical social workers with a master's degree and often have specialties. My therapist is a nurse-practitioner.

You may need a Marriage and Family Therapists for help with your partner and relationship. But, more than likely if you are reading this you will need a therapist who practices evidence-based therapies to treat posttraumatic stress disorder, military sexual trauma and traumatic brain injury. In therapy you will need an empathetic hand to guide you through the wreckage of your mind.

Empathy is the ability to identify, internalize and experience another's emotional state. It's imperative to find a therapist you can connect with. The nature and structure of trauma leaves internal conflicts; the kernel of trauma-based disorders rest in the most recessed parts of our minds.

The most important aspect of therapy will be an empathetic connection with your therapist, a therapeutic window between the therapist and the patient to reach the deepest compartments. To access this information safely, we must bond with our treatment provider.

To begin the journey of recovery we must find a therapeutic window into our minds substrate. Without developing a rapport with your therapist, therapy will not work. Read that again.

Become an advocate for yourself and learn some basic information on how the Veterans Administration works. You can fire any doctor or therapist in the VA by going to the counter and asking for a Change of Provider form.

Write the reason you don't want this provider and you don't trust them. Generally it will take up to 3 months to get a new appointment so make sure you want to change. Go to at least 3 or 4 visits before you decide to fire your mental health practitioner.

I fired a therapists because she talked about her issues and was more depressed me. I fired a psychiatrist due to her inability to discuss my medications with me or her unwillingness to listen to what I had to say. I've changed therapists because they were not certified in Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT).

There are many kinds of therapy and the one you will probably engage in the most is psychotherapy or talk therapy. Talk therapy consists of sharing about psychological distresses, social, life in general and family issues. The therapist listens, gives feedback and psychoeducation on your condition along with teaching coping skills to manage symptoms.

Talk therapy focuses on maintaining equilibrium and balance in life. The most effective treatments for the mentally wounded with the diagnosis of PTSD, MST and TBI is evidence-based therapies. The front-line treatments are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) and Exposure Therapy (ET). Ask your mental health provider if they use these therapies and if they have certification.

We'll cover two, since they are the most used. CBT examines the relationships between thoughts, feelings and behavior. By identifying beliefs that lead to self-destructive behaviors the therapist can offer coping strategies to help change thinking patterns over time. The therapies will be problem-focused and goal-directed for symptom reduction. Expect to have homework and if you want to heal actively participate.

Cognitive Processing Therapy, an exposure therapy, focuses on accessing trauma memories, identifying and challenging faulty beliefs about the event and resulting over-generalized beliefs in self. According to Cognitive Theory, trauma impacts our belief structures and how we categorize the world.

That two types of emotions follow trauma, natural and manufactured. Natural emotions are universal such as fear, anger, joy, happiness, sadness and loss. They have a natural course to run unless we feed into them, then they can become stuck points. Manufactured feelings result from the way we interpret events and not fact based.

I know a combat medic with four tours and many medals, the purple heart included. She was unable to return to active duty because of extensive damage received from an Improvised Explosive Device. She's fighting the belief that she let soldiers down because she couldn't return to her Mobile Army Surgical Hospital and deploy outside the wire under fire where she belonged.

Cognitive Processing Therapy starts with psychoeducation about your condition and symptoms, then therapy goals and identification of stuck points, and then 12 sessions centered around challenging beliefs and meaning of the event.

The structured sessions center around identifying thoughts, feelings and stuck points associated with the event. They challenge problematic thinking and address safety, trust, power and control, esteem, intimacy and meaning. This is an exposure therapy, a writing component starts with an impact statement and then writing about the trauma again from each perspective safety, trust, power and control, esteem, intimacy and meaning. The therapist and patient will examine the writing together with worksheets and writing exercises. I've used this therapy and it's the best one so far.

Keep a therapy journal. Write a list of questions and reminders to keep track of what to talk about. Write about your insights and revelations.

Write about your feelings, thoughts and trauma. In doing so you begin to take back your mental health one session at a time. A journal will keep you from forgetting the issues you want to discuss and a place to share your inner self.

Trauma telling is an important aspect of healing, it enables us to re-contextualize our experiences and find meaning where we once thought was none.

Our Story: Delta Company 6th/6th Infantry, 1st Armored Division

I am looking for members of Delta company, 6th/6th Infantry of the 1st Armored Division and deployed to Operation Desert Storm in 1990-1991.

Dco, 6th/6th Infantry, 1st AD

My name is PFC Scott Lee, I was the driver for Sergeant Dan Tickle and our gunner was Sergeant Otis Banks. If you were a member of Delta Company 6th battalion, 6th Infantry of the 1st Armored Division and deployed to The First Gulf War I would like to get in contact with you.

I am setting up an oral history project to tell our story. We played a pivotal part in the largest tank battle in the history of war and I'd like to share our story.

Please leave a message in the comment section or contact me directly by email at rmngen@gmail.com.

Communicate with PTSD Veteran

By Scott Lee circa 1991

Last year I was diagnosed with paranoia features to go along with PTSD. The significance resounds in the impact it has on my relationships and self imposed isolation. I fight unreasonable and persistent thoughts of not being able to trust anyone, especially those in authority and closest in proximity. My imagination has convinced me that buying an electronic bug sweeper to rid my apartment of the mics and cameras everywhere is a good idea. Try having intrusive thoughts and the feeling that you can't trust your inner circle because they don't get it, whatever it is. Or while in therapy fight the yelling in your head that your therapist is trying to get you locked up.

When I can't stop the impulsive thinking things can escalate quickly if the situation is misread and turns stressful. All of this informs that I must be wary of what I say depending on the audience in attendance. Not that this plan always works. If people could step back and take it as a learning and healing opportunity, it would break down barriers between us. My difficulties in communicating could be seen as a manifestation of my condition; a psychological wound. It's time to take a look at how we communicate with our veterans, before to many more of us pull the final trigger.

It's never easy to receive a direct verbal assault of judgement or righteous indignation from your veteran, which can happen when loved ones fail to listen or discern underlying issues.

Living through combat or operational experiences fundamentally changes the way we think, feel and see the world. Our survivors perspective has etched our psyche altering consciousness and our connections with people whom we were once close. It may seem as though we have disowned one another, but for the veteran we are locked in our minds most of the time. Fighting our trauma takes an incredible amount of mental energy manifesting as the external battle you see. Just as we would lend an arm in support of the physically disabled, so should we begin the journey of understanding the mentally wounded and offering a emotional shoulder.

We no longer feel the comfortable sameness with one another back at home, the relational arena has changed.

In combat we develop the most intense bonds through blood and survival in unimaginable situations in epic tales. When a squad emerges having survived, it burns away the facades we fake. We become genuine in our thinking, feeling and expression. Whether we direct this new energy in a downward spiral or we hone it as a skill set. Either can have a huge impact on our lives. Civilian life is full of complex rules of etiquette and expected social mores. All very troublesome for the paranoid, delusional and dissociative mind looking for the reason to avoid, avoid, avoid.

If we are unaware of these developments; our skill sets, the dissociative symptoms and the civilian rules, then it can become problematic for our triggers. Alarms signaling hidden agendas, putting us on guard our defensive mechanisms begin to turn. We may project our anxiety onto you, again fouling up the opportunity to reach a relational arena. We may feel disowned or out of touch, but what we have lost is the place in which to relate again. The altered relational parameters will take time to work out, give it and us time.

Communication starts when we loose the desire to speak and be heard, it begins when we open up to receive and act authentically.

Listening is a powerful tool, it can make your veteran feel as though you are in our corner. Caught up in our constant and silent mental crisis, our perceptions may be skewed. The delusions may have greater command over our judgement and thus our reactions. Hence the confusion and misunderstandings between veterans and loved ones. Armed with the right information and the ability to listen, the support member could use these moments to offer an empathetic hand. We need to share our burdens but fear your rejection if we tell you it all. Expect to be open minded, we may share soul tearing information. Guard your reaction, please don't pull away during these moments.

Let the stunned silence rain, communion begins when we open our spirits to one another.

We need direct communication, don't worry we probably will not be phased by 'what you say.' It is in the delivery that we need to take great care, with skill and finesse in, how we speak to one another until we can bridge the gap of confusion. We have been emotionally crippled by witnessing or participating in mass death and destruction on a scale unimaginable. If our wounds were visible we would get respect, admiration, and compassion. We have no scars to prove our fight was just and that we gave it our all. We have Invisible Wounds that manifest as behavioral issues and social awkwardness.

Combat Narratives Part 2

Our first official campaign was against the Iraqi Republican Guard, a highly trained mechanized division under Saddam Hussein. They never ran from or surrender to our overwhelming force.  The 3rd Brigade of the 1st Armored Division had over 20,000 enemy kills in three campaigns. My crew was the spear tip and I drove for 172 hours in the largest tank battle in the history of war in the 100 Hour Ground War. The Army VII Corps' mission was to cut off the Iraqi Republican Guard supply lines before our descent into Kuwait and attack, attack, attack everything along the way.

My squad

Blazing 50 Mph across the sands towards the front line, my 32 ton combat loaded Bradley drove over a sand dune into a landmine field stopping us in our tracks and throwing everyone inside forward. Sgt Tickle flipped out and started cussing why we had stopped and I could hear my captain in the background cursing. As they both continued the barrage of swearing and demanding I screamed, “Shut the fuck up and look out your window, we're in a landmine field!” As reality sunk in, I assessed our trajectory into the field and found we had landed at an angle and missed detonating a single mine. What took less than two seconds to get into, took us about 15 to 20 minutes to get out of. A paltry amount of time when you have all you need; but our job was to guide our tanks into battle. Being 20 minutes late was not an option. In this moment we melded as a squad, we had becoming one body. I felt a welling of emotions circling despair; I was to succumb or prevail and tuned into my machine, environment and crew in a way I had never experienced.

Sgt T had to stand out of his hatch exposed giving directions to thread us back through our tracks laid, without any deviance from the trail. Sgt Tickle to me, “Straight, stop! Left back, stop. Right, back, stop. Forward left, stop!” As I was driving blind as my thoughts went to a conversation we had the night before. I was complaining about driving for two days straight without sleep, and Sgt Tickle says, “The only way your backup driver is going to drive is if you are dead! Got that soldier?” Welling with pride from the high praise to his biggest pain in the ass private. I had his implicit trust and felt respected and honored. The instant bond enabled me too read the inflections in his voice, his marked tone indicating we were on the track in the sand. An abrupt, “Straight ahead! Right, straight, left.”

Me

I kept an eye on the horizon for the enemy and the ground for unexploded ordnance, not just for me but my brigade to follow. The problem compounded by staying awake for days peering out four periscopes ranging from 8 o'clock to 1:00 o'clock in the heat with fatigue and boredom made it especially hard at night watching the one-inch by half-inch red nighttime lights on the rear my leading vehicles. One on the right most vehicle of the 1st brigade and the left most of the 2nd brigade; my first job was to keep in between each with a mile in between in a reversed diamond figure with 3rd brigade on the rear single point. Keeping my eyes on two read lights on the back of vehicles 1 to 2 miles from me became a dancing ritual of fidgeting and flexing my body and wiggling and squinting to stay awake. After two days of no sleep, I though four days would be impossible – seven days only if my life depended on it.

Before we went into battle while sitting on a ridge waiting our orders I watched the Multiple Long Range Rocket systems launched live rounds from behind, hailing the night with eerily beautiful red streaks filling the horizons. Underneath the belly of the deadly mosaic red lines our Apache helicopters erupted with Hell-fire missiles, snaking through the air without aim and at the last-minute ministering vaporizing showers of demise. Coming through the nighttime curtain of fire where our artillery rounds lobbing to find their targets with a core shaking boom, boom, boom resounding a boosted repetition of bursting bombs rending reality from unlucky enemy crews. Beneath the Apaches our M1A Main Battle Tanks were firing and hitting the enemy tanks with columns of flame erupting 100 feet in the air, flipping turrets end over end atop jets of roiling plasma. In the closest I saw bodies rendered, splayed and sprayed within the ejecta in showers of molten metal and steel. The first a religious experience, the next several thousand was getting the job done. I heard somewhere from the muted distant, “Move out!”

Dodging bursting bombs while wreathing and fracking my spine. God help me! He answered, smothering me with heaps and mounds of apathy. Driving through eruptions of earth and reason, exploding ordnance ringing off the edges of my Bradley as shock waves tumble through my steel trap. Bracing against my slanted seat and butterfly steering wheel and driving the blade deep into the enemy. The physics of war upending earth all around as we thread between artillery rounds, to the right one of our Bradley's throw track in a hard turn in the sand. I slammed the gear in reverse and backed out of the artillery barrage driving 50 mph trusting my Track Commander with his steady sharp commands of, “Left, right. Straight.” I was watching as the lobbing bombs attempting to find our target, “Boom!” and a pause further away, “Boom.” Sgt Tickle says, “Right! Straight. Left, right, left.”

We pulled back far enough to dismount and watched one of our Bradley's repair track in an artillery barrage inside a ferocious tank battle set against the fiery sky. After letting down the back troop-hatch to let the guys get a breather, I got out to join them so we can watch our guys changing track. It took them and outstanding 15 minutes of a 45 min process. As we stood together on the back hatch watching the battle, we begin to hear a pesky whistling sound coming in, louder and louder. As we all started looking around, KA-BOOM! The heated blast rung my ears and my skin went dry, just out of the kill zone considering none of us took any shrapnel. I was in the driver's seat from the back landing hatch screaming at our team before half of them got in, “Get your fucking asses in!” As I started to raise the rear dismount hatch, looking back over the gear as the last soldier jumped in as the seal set shut. My head was ringing as I slapped the driver's hatch release for the second time; combat operations when the drivers hatch door clangs.

Somewhere in the blazing haze of timelessness after our third engagement Private E1 and PFC Lee's assignment was the cleaning our dead vehicles of weapons and intelligence. We were walking side by side each taking a 180 degree sector to scan. Our M16's slung in the ready as I look off into at scorched earthed damns hiding distorted hulking bombed out shells, shuddering and wondering how anything survived and where all the bodies were. Private E1 says “Lee, check this out!” With his right foot cocked back ready to kick tuna fish looking can with shinny spider legs. Instantaneously I grabbed him and his gear pitching us both over, body slamming Private E1. Then jumped up cussing, “You stupid ass mother-fucker! You almost kicked one of our air-dispersal anti-personnel mines!” I was not recommending him for a promotion.

Combat Narratives Part 1

The soldiers of Delta Company, 6th battalion, 6th Infantry of the 1st Armored Division were sitting around the television in Bamberg, Germany. Rumors were going around that we would be called up and mobilized to go to Operation Desert Shield. The scrolling list of divisions being activated for deployment came down to ours, my heart sank. I was trembling and knew if an armored division was going that I would see combat. Feeding the rumors was our abrupt training from the boxy Vietnam era M119 armored personnel carries to new $2.5 million Bradley Fighting Vehicles. I was a Private First Class 11 Bravo with a brand new Expert Infantry Badge. The 11 Bravo's mission was running 5 miles one day and force march 7 miles with full ruck sacks the next, 6 days a week while the Bradley crews trained to drive, fight and command.

Dco 6th/6th Infantry, 1st AD

Late in the day our captain called us into the hallway outside his office and read the orders. It was then I decided to become a driver instead of the 11 Bravo dismounting and clearing trenches out the back of our Bradley. It was fun in training, but I didn't think it would be in combat. It turned out that our driver wasn't taking his job serious so I stepped up and asked to take his place. The next day I was sitting in the driver's seat familiarizing myself with the controls. I caught on pretty quick except for the steering was tricky, you have to give it gas to turn and the brakes consists of letting off the gas pedal. We went out everyday to train on a two-week threshold till we had to load up our vehicles to ship them out, I didn't receive the 3 months of training everyone else did.

In two weeks I learned how to drive my Bradley Fighting Vehicle before we loaded them up at the rail yard. During a late night training mission in Germany, around one am it was cold and wet with a heavy mist in the air. We were convoying on a narrow 16 feet wide road with our 14 foot wide Bradleys when we came upon narrow road on a sheer cliff. Turning is also transmission driven, to make it work you must hit the gas pedal. The more you turn the more power needed. I let off the throttle and the rubber padded tracks began to slide toward the edge, as I was peering down the cliff I punched the gas pedal just as the road disappeared underneigh us left turning as hard as I could. We stopped sliding and turned with only a half a track left on the road. The guys in the back never knew they were almost part of a training fatality.

Our Bradley and Crew

We sat on our asses for two weeks when I arrived in the sandy lands of King Khalid Military City, Saudi Arabia. The warehouse we were bunking in was setup for soldiers awaiting vehicles to come into port. I found out later that the same building we were in was hit by a scud missile two weeks after we left, killing a couple of National Guardsmen. After our vehicles came in we had them painted in desert camouflage. Then we lined up to load up on missiles, 25mm armored piercing sabot rounds along with high explosives rounds, 7.62mm and 5.56mm ammo and grenades. We made all our checks and topped off on fuel and moved out to our base to set up.

Our company set up our first base camp in a low-lying area. By the time we finished setting up the tents, it started to rain. I had last guard duty, so I hit my cot. When I woke we were in 2 feet of water and someone was telling me to get out of bed we were moving out. A little lake had filled in so we packed everything up again and moved out to another base. After setting up our second base, we got into mission mode. We started training for offensive maneuvers immediately, in Germany we trained on defensive. Once in training maneuvers we received orders to retreat. I started turning my vehicle in a tight turn and threw our track in the sand. It took us about 4 hours to put the track back on, I would not make that mistake again. We trained on and around our base for about three and half months with the bombing of Baghdad in the background day and night. I still hear the boom, boom, boom, boom; just like yesterday.

Earlier in the week we received reports the Iraqi suicide bombers were dressing as Bedouins with captured military equipment. While on guard duty one night we spotted a slanted box on tracks, an M119 armored personnel carrier about the penetrate our perimeter  The M119 keeps coming. We try to radio him, no answer. The vehicle on our left fires a warning shot, it keeps coming. We radio again and fire a second warning shot. The vehicle breaches our perimeter as we dismount and surround it. By all rights of war we should have killed this vehicle, but out pops a second lieutenant out of his hatch. It was a tense moment. Private Roman and another of our great sergeants lead our opposing force with fingers on triggers of our M16s, our barbed wire caught up in his tracks. He was on the wrong radio frequency and didn't know the password, so we held him until higher up said it was okay to let him go.

Base camp life was pulling guard duty four hours on and four hours off, write letters and train for offensive maneuvers  One day during maneuvers we got the word to move out, I gunned it and blew the motor. So we spent the rest of the day helping the mechanics put in a new motor and transmission. It was a nice break in our regimen and I found out how much the motor can take in the sand and that would come in handy later in combat. We were getting close to moving out, Christmas had come and gone. I got to call home around that time. I was ready to go, it was February when we bugged out toward Iraq. The bombing of Baghdad everyday and night was wearing on me, all I could think about was how many people our bombs were killing. I was ready to go when we mounted up and headed into Iraq.

I was an Infantry soldier driving on point for the 3rd Brigade, my job was to lead our M1A1 Abrams Tanks into combat. Broiling inside my body armor and a full body zip up fire-retardant suit, covered by an olive drab chemical warfare suit commonly used in Germany during the winter. It was one hundred and ten degrees outside and 160 degrees inside the belly of my Bradley sitting next to a 600 HP Cummings turbo-charged diesel engine and separated by a 3/16” steel plate; with a ledge perfect to cook my Meals Ready to Eat. Sipping water became a survival skill and the only way to make your alloted three quarts a day last. During training missions I got in the habit of leaving my hatch open due to the heat and fought with my track commander to have it open until combat operations.

On or around February 22, 1991 we had reports of regular infantry soldiers in Saddam’s army surrendering in droves. The following day we saw thousands of people scattered in the shimmering heat surrendering some with weapons milling about lost in and billowing sandy red tinted sky as our tracks rolled by. At home in Kentucky we have rolling hills and trees everywhere so my sense of the horizon broadened tenfold when nothing stood in the way of belly of the desert. Our assignment was to get online with the rest of the VII Corps on the Iraqi border to cut off the Iraqi Republican Guard from retreating. We set out in convoy toward the front line. That night we received an after-action report, five Marines killed when a Stryker came across an enemy T-72 tank with its turret turned around. Geneva Convention Rule of War for surrender. When the marines encroached enough they turned their barrels around and killed our five Marines. I was shaking all over, mad as hell and wanted revenge.

After 24 hours of continuous driving we convoyed down through a wadi, a low-lying basin perfect for a desert ambush when I saw swimming silhouettes of people and jeeps on our left flank night sky. I reported to my Track Commander Sergeant Dan Tickle, small in stature but great at command. I hated him in garrison but loved him in the field, I would have given my life for him if I didn't kill him first. The Ground War had not been officially set off yet, so we had to get permission to fire upon an advancing enemy. They kept coming, higher up ordered our company online and our command vehicle fired three warning shots, boom, boom, boom. Then death squeezed from the gunner's fingertips with 25mm automatic fire boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. The next day our after action reported we had killed 30 Iraqis trying to surrender. The silhouettes on the horizon have haunted my sights and nights since.

If I Had a Caregiver

I don't have a caregiver or someone to share my life with, I live alone with my dog whom helps with the companion component. But, I lack a special someone who empathizes and has compassion towards this disabled vet. An advocate for me when I no longer feel like fighting the system and naysayers and a healer for when the pain is too much to bear. The person whom I trust implicitly when it comes to making executive decisions on my behalf when the PTSD beast bites.

Here's what I'd say to my caregiver if I could;

I trust you the most and it's why I can lay my soul wound bare. I understand it hurts you when I'm not able to reciprocate and you may seem to feel a failing. Please understand when I'm lost in pain, mental and otherwise, you are the angel feeding my soul sutures one stitch at a time.

Thank you for being my beacon and providing a base for reality testing. Sometimes it may seem that I'm lobbing round after round with you scurrying about, within the chaos your feelings and place get lost. I recognize the cost upon our reserves of rationality and understanding when the darkness sets in. When I'm delusional and dissociative you receive the overflow from my war trauma and it rings a high toll. I see you doing everything possible and seeking knowledge when there is none. Above all I see your pain and loneliness when I'm in despair.

I see the struggle to understand my conditions and diagnosis, swimming through paperwork and drowning in supporting me. You do not have to be everything to me because then there would be nothing left for you. I choose you because of your capacity for compassion and love. Not your ability to take on my pain, your soul needs nurturing. Let it go and take a break, go for a walk. It's okay to capture your own mind and read a book or go see a friend. I need you to let your creative side out through networking with other talented people and groups.

When I'm in the trenches and you feel out of options, know that I have faith in you.

When, Where and How to Approach a Combat Veteran

I'm on the floor

I was talking to one of my new Journal of Military Experience friends and she expressed a discomfort in approaching me during the Military Experience Arts Symposium. She wanted to respect my space but didn't know a comfortable way to approach me in relation to PTSD symptoms in a group setting. It made me start to think about the intense air I must emote for her to question when and how to approach me. I love talking to people, it's where I get some of my greatest inspirations. But, sometimes my condition may not permit me to interact on a desired level or in an expected way. In a couple of the pictures floating around from the symposium you could find me off by myself concentrating on breathing and meditating.

The PTSD mind sees all interactions and people as a possible threat, even loved ones and friends we have known our whole lives. In between events and workshops I was concentrating heavily on trying to talk to people and maintain my anxiety level which gets in the way of communicating. Internally we may be caught up in our inner world and if we are wrapped up in high emotional states we may be displaying body postures and facial expressions that says, "I'm not at home right now, please don't leave a message." Our body language may be misconstrued as offensive and therefore subject to misinformation, stereotyping, stigma and personal biases. To the uninitiated in trauma we may appear as someone to wary or fear.

A common aspect of our mental wound is the defensive state of mind, when understood in this context may help facilitate communication. If I am not completely zoned out my hypervigilance is zapping my energy on purely defensive matters. Whether from fighting my delusions rendering reality obsolete to dodging my many triggers so that I may not hallucinate. Our triggers are many and some of us hallucinate regularly, please consider this and be respectful. Balance this with knowing that we don't want to be feared or treated as though broken. This inner battle we wage is against ourselves, not you. You would be safer standing next to a combat veteran with PTSD than most people. When our symptoms manifests try not to take it personally and see at it as a learning opportunity. It's easier to accept the pain and discomfort of a veteran wounded from a bullet or bomb and much more difficult to see our mental wound and difficulties in interacting as our scars.

I've met some combat veterans with some intense stares, some just recently. But the funny thing is one of the most intense looking guys at the symposium had a wicked humor and a huge heart. No, not me. I was having the same trouble as my new friend. How to approach an intense looking combat veteran? I would imagine my new friend would also be thinking, "What do I do if he begins to share some of his burdens?" A veterans sharing lightens their burden and extends a unique opportunity and honor to the recipient. Less than 14% of our nation has served our republic in the military and when we opt to open up, our voices should resound. I am starved of human interaction due to my superhero ability to run people off who have little understanding of my condition. Sharing nurtures the healing process soothing the mental wound, filling me with empathy. Even though I resist talking about my experiences, I feel compelled to share.

I am willing to expound upon on my condition and life, but many veterans do not feel comfortable discussing their experiences and wounds, mental or otherwise. If you want to approach a veteran and they have a flat affect as the textbooks like to call it, assess the situation. That's what we are doing during those intensely long pauses, you might as well do the same. Do we wear military fatigues, insignia or medals? Do we appear anxious, guarded or rigid? How about spring loaded? What is that all about? Unresolved trauma becomes locked in the body giving our posture the appearance of aggression or overly assertiveness thus reinforcing the stereotype. 

If you were to notice my hearing aids, I would be comfortable with questions on how it would be best to communicate with me concerning my hearing. I have bilateral hearing loss and being able to see the lips move enables better hearing. This could be a possible segue into how I lost my hearing, which I would tell you was from enemy artillery. I'm not suggesting that asking a veteran about how they got a prosthetic limb is a good idea, that may be akin to asking about someones sex life. Never ask a veteran if they have killed someone. Might as well say, "Hi! I don't know you. But, would you completely bare your soul to me here and now?" It's rude and completely disrespectful. But asking a warrior about a pin worn may be a good way to see if she is open to sharing.

Many veterans are open to sharing about the Military Experience, it wasn't all bad and in many ways better than today. If we are approached with respect and treated with dignity we may impart upon a part of our nations living oral history. Who knows you may become a member of their trusted inner circle, their squad at home.  

Powerful Healing Journeys Through the Arts and The Military Experience

The mission of the Journal of Military Experience is to mentor veterans through the writing and arts process for publication in the JME. The feedback from talented writers, authors, and artists were instrumental in my decision to explore the Arts as a medium for healing. The high level of understanding of war trauma from the Eastern Kentucky University professors and support staff was phenomenal and no wonder the EKU Vets program was recognized as a National Program of the Year in 2011. I felt at home.

The first night we had an impromptu poetry and prose reading and barriers came down for story tellers near, connecting with other warrior veterans in this way inspired hope again. The bonds formed that night were carried over into classes enabling me to concentrate on interact genuinely rather than reacting from heightened senses. I was able to relax in the classes and interact with the participants and instructors, powerful people in different parts of healing journeys and felt an immediate affinity. 

As some of you may know, I have an anti-personal mind obstacle; being around people in public causes a range of constant triggering. Several times seeking refuge I forced myself to keep going back to share and bond and gravitated to others similarly affected by war. I met a pizza cook who didn't know how brilliant and vividly he could describe his experiences by word and a Vietnam veteran who had amassed decades of publishable poems. I met many different levels of writers, from published authors to veteran published and unpublished poets sparking an inspiration to write more poetry. It gives word to the disjointed in me, to examine and expound with context and content. 

I'm still overwhelmed with life and struggling with the basics, but after attending The Military Experience and Arts Symposium I have been able to divert my anxieties into creative projects. I started another rewrite of my combat narratives, flirting with the idea of submitting it to the Journal of Military Experience. I am also attempting to write an audition script for a graphic novel. I have no idea how to do that, but I am getting some good coaching from a graphic novelist and plugging along. It's a different aspect of writing to think in images, which causes more information from my memory to become triggered and a need to write that instead of the script and so forth. So, go and do something creative. Your life just may depend on it.

Combat PTSD Veterans Need a Strong Inner Circle

To the people who are near but seem the furthest away. I need a strong inner circle, which I lack. People in my life have the designation of friends but have never been to my house even though I have been to theirs, you stop inviting people that never come over. Others hold resentments and make it my responsibility for our relationship. I understand that my people skills can suffer and I withdraw quite a bit, but this is when I need people the most. The last thing I need during these times are petty resentments or ignorance and fear to interfere with my deep need for human connection.

Most people don't want to talk about dark and emotional conversations, it triggers people's unresolved issues. That's when they tell you to get over it, that people don't want to hear about it all the time, or tune you out, etcetera etcetera. We do need to talk about it often sometimes, but sharing on that level requires a tremendous amount of trust. Which is why we don't share much, even with our loved ones the bonding needs to be a high level for us to embark on telling our stories. It's important the immediate circle see our condition as a psychological injury and become educated in how to interact with someone with a mental wound.

Active Listening is the first lesson. Listening has important components to employed that will increase your ability to communicate effectively.

What is active listening? (www.cdcr.ca.gov/CSA/STC/docs/active%20listening.ppt)

• It’s a communication skill that involves both the speaker and the receiver.
• In active listening, the receiver tries to understand what feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are being communicated and accepts it as the person’s own.
• The listener feeds back only what they believe the sender’s message meant - nothing more, nothing less. It involves feedback and verification that the receiver correctly understood the senders message.
• The active listener avoids getting stuck in another person’s “helpless” feelings.

I employ much empathy and compassion in my friendships, along with active listening. Depending on many of the factors above I share with my most trusted freely. Sharing here is different than in person or with someone I have a strong personal bond. People's insensitivity and unintentional attempts to support often become offensive and another case of my mental feats of dispatching evil thoughts going unnoticed. I'm tired of being told to just get over it, or told try and not to think about it, or being told that no one really wants to hear about my issues all the time. I understand people's intention when giving this "advice." I try and see these as teaching moments. But, it is difficult to have a great need to unburden myself when someone gives really bad advice. It usually clams me up and sends my mind spinning.

Veterans diagnosed with PTSD need a strong and unconditional support network in which to begin to heal. Unfortunately people mistake many PTSD and behavioral issues as character defects and not symptoms of a mental wound. This turns people off. Additionally many people are put off by the way I break down their facades quickly and call them on their shit; a defensive behavior to shut others down. I am learning that a friend to keep is one who shares in the good and bad. We don't need people to understand us completely. But, we do not wish to be alone in our pain or joy anymore. We need people close to us who are willing to learn about our condition and dish and take some shit; aka then still be there.

PTSD people have this thing with calling everyone out on their shit. People have to be ready for that, no really.

I have a mental and spiritual wound, my struggles are symptoms manifested. What is your excuse?

Suicidal Thoughts: Recovering From the Darkness

NOTE: I am in therapy and have an appointment in an hour and thirteen minutes and will be discussing the below. I have a safety plan called Smoke Break if the thoughts become persistent. When I can think of nothing else, it's time to check myself in to the local VA, for the 7th time if necessary.

If a veteran admits they have thought about killing themselves, then they mean yes, hell yes, too much and maybe even all the time. We talked about the compulsions to kill myself in the last post. Now I want to address the buildup to compulsive behavior; the compulsive thinking and the many reasons not to live rolling around in my head.

If you are feeling suicidal or homicidal, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has helped me several times over the years, so call 1-800-273-TALK.

I have few close friends locally and family comes around every so often; my dog and a few friends, that's it. I do not want to keep feeling this pain in isolation. Been fantasizing about how ending it would 'show them' or how 'they wouldn't care' while stoking my resentments and devising a list of who cannot come to my funeral. The obsessive thoughts of self assisted doom have been patrolling my mind to seize upon my life. There's no loved one or caregiver here, or resources for assistance for a non-Post 9/11 and undeserving veteran. I don't have a plan, just unmet needs fueled by distorted and delusional thinking leaving me vulnerable to the compulsions to kill myself. But, such is life.

Along comes detachment and numbness to replace the physical and mental pain, a different kind of anguish that makes us relish the void and can last for as long as life for some. It's another kind of hell to be cut off from the out going person I used to be, that deep down my desire to be among loved ones out in the world is buried under the fears of loosing my reality to the past, cyclical thoughts fueled by petal to the metal emotions raging on and on to loose myself. Or yourself if you are stuck in this pattern thinking. Below is how I get through moments of utter inner panic, most do not see it. But, those in the know do.

If you need a therapist in person or over the phone, click the Give an Hour picture above to get you in touch with mental health practitioners in your area free of charge.

Chronic traumatization causes our survival mechanisms to become hard-wired into our neuropathways; a veritable surgical steel Swiss Army Knife of fight, flight or freeze. A constant threat assessment on the battlefield was a lifesaving skill to master, at home it can manifest in distorted and delusional thinking, a major component of chronic Combat PTSD. The entrenchment of our evolutionary and primitive defensive mechanisms makes us prone to reactionary and compulsive behavior in civilization. The evolutionary defensive mechanism confound us with cyclical and repetitive thinking that may or may not be grounded in reality. Over time I have been able to become less reactionary by learning coping skills, education on my condition and triggers along with treatment. I can attest to the plasticity of the brain as per becoming a completely different person from 7 years ago, it has been exhausting most days but well worth the hard work.

Accept that you cannot prevent all of your triggering events and see them as a window into your suppressed self. 

The compartmentalized part of the mind acts as projections into the environment as seemingly inconspicuous triggers such as the unconscious sensory stimuli exchange of a tailpipe backfire for a battlefield bullet discharge. The damaged subconscious suppresses the ability to consolidate past and present memories thus giving birth to the dissociative features of Combat PTSD; a phenomenon we experience most days. It will make you question your own reality. During PTSD moments our arguments may have paranoid and delusional components set within circular arguments and backed by defensive mechanisms. As we learn our triggers, defensive mechanisms and look into what our subconscious is trying to communicate to us we begin to see a perspective from the out side of the chaotic, we begin to see more options. When we get caught up inside the circle and the battle is on. Anxiety and panic attacks can be coped with to where they pass without making us freak out. Meditation and pray have been my greatest tools to work through mine.

Meditation and mindfulness exercises like guided imagery can give you the sense of letting your thoughts go, or clearing your mind.

How? Imagine a body of water representing and matching your emotional level from raging seas to the calming stillness of a pond. Start with was an open body of water with the waves matching the level of your stress and anxiety. Visualize the waves calming to the point of stillness. This tool can be used to gauge internally your stress level and as a way to self sooth during these moments. Where there was no emotional gauge before, now if I am out of touch with my emotions accessing this image helps me gain perspective again. Coping skills such as guided imagery and other mindfulness techniques help by giving us a visual representation of our emotions so that we may better self sooth our anxiety and stress levels. Keep practicing and remember is not about perfection, it's about addressing our dangerously detached and compulsive behavior.

I ask God to take the power of it and practice letting go rather then holding onto.

Part of Prayer is asking God's blessing, an oft looked over piece is the sharing of the burden. We do not have too onerously endeavor, a trick of the Defensive State of Mind is to believe that we are alone. The sharing of the burden is living a prayerful life, venting to God and all who will listen is doing His work. Do you think the Apostles and saints talked calmly to God? By sharing your experience, you are the change you wish to see in the world. Your footsteps blaze the path where many will follow

Maybe it's time for us all to begin healing, if in your heart you feel the welling sense of hope beginning. Please, do not squelch this; you will be happy again given time. Also, accompanying may be apprehension and a sense of foreboding. This is a normal response, you were meant for more than you have been living and your being resonates this. You will become what you dream, if you dare to accept what is in your heart and act soon, if not now.

Mental Health Emergencies

An overwhelming sense of hopelessness may lead a person to think of only one way out. I want to say that we all have errant thoughts of others being better off without us, but that's probably a symptom of something in me. Obsession is an often overlooked component of the hypervigilance portion of PTSD, coupled with the delusional aspects of traumatization cause the suicidal thoughts to be seen as a way to escape the emotional and physical pain.

Upon percolation the overwhelming and despondent thoughts often lead us too constantly resist compulsions to drive head on with a truck or off an embankment. Picking up a sharp knife to chop veggies for dinner becomes an ominous dilemma or looking out the window makes me wonder if the second story is high enough. When the higher thought processes shut down and give way to base emotional states we become susceptible to reactionary and compulsive behavior. In our hearts and minds we are torn between the vast chasm of the macabrous to spiritual enlightenment, of which in war we felt simultaneously.

Get help now, for your mental health emergencies. Don't sit alone waiting for months on end. Your life depends on getting treatment and reducing these obsessive thoughts.

PTSD: Get Over It

Ever been told to get past it? Or told to get over it and can't?

I wouldn't ask you to beat your noggin against that wall, my head hurts just thinking about it. But, working through it; that won't be as difficult. Our language says much. "Getting past it" or "getting over it" suggests it's something to be pushed aside or to get around all at once. To work through suggests that it can be managed, one trauma at a time, and one therapy session at at time. Outside of therapy you can start by learning from others who have been in your shoes through online social media sites; Facebook is an excellent tool to network Additionally I suggest learning coping skills, guided imagery to lessen anxiety, becoming familiar with your triggers, and mindfulness of thoughts and feelings to help process. Grounding techniques such as putting a rock in your pocket can help ease anxiety along with learning to pray and meditate. Journaling is a tremendous instrument in purging and self reflection, a tactile sensory expression of our experiences allowing differing perspectives on ourselves.

Army Review of PTSD May Reinforce Combat Veterans Not to Seek Help

This article seems to say they are passing out PTSD diagnosis to anyone who walks by and sneezes. It is not easy to get a PTSD diagnosis, that is the truth. When this same issue was brought up in the Veterans Administration, the government investigation showed that there was less then 1% actual fraud on PTSD diagnosis and service-connection compensation. When we do get that term put on our records as a service-connection, it is not a favor done for us. It means that we owe these men and women who have been destroyed in mind, body and spirit by the incredible sacrifices the average person would not think possible.

In a lecture to colleagues, a Madigan Army Medical Center psychiatrist said a soldier who retires with a post-traumatic-stress-disorder diagnosis could eventually receive $1.5 million in government payments, according to a memo by a Western Regional Medical Command ombudsman who attended the September presentation.

The psychiatrist went on to claim the rate of such diagnoses eventually could cause the Army and Department of Veterans Affairs to go broke (By Hal Bernton, Seattle Times staff reporter).

We did not hit the lottery because we get this diagnosis, this in not a windfall or something special in terms of winning. The diagnosis for PTSD is not permanent as it suggests, we are subject to reviews yearly and can be called to come before the Compensation and Pension Board. The 100% rating is a living wage paid monthly to us while we heal, and some of us may never heal completely. Most of us do not get the 100% rating, to suggest that this is the normal 'payout' for this detrimental psychiatric wound is dead wrong. Most veterans diagnosed with PTSD carry a 30% rating, not much to live on.

The system is overloaded not because of fraud which research shows is under 1% at the VA; the problem is not veterans or soldiers trying to work the system. The problem is not taking care of our soldiers and veterans when they become symptomatic, its not taking them seriously when they get home. This type of culture in the military and the VA effectively keeps soldiers and veterans from getting help in the beginning when it would do the most good.

As axiomatic to veterans as the oath they swore to defend the U.S. Constitution is the reality that a veteran filing a disability benefit claim encounters the VA’s ‘deny-delay-and-hope-you-die’ culture (Micheal Leon, Veterans Today).

It is sad that the we are being labeled as malingerer's again by another government organization trying to balance their budgets. I was called a malingerer to my face by nurses, doctors, psychiatrists and many people at the VA for the first 5 to 10 years due to a hostile culture towards veterans in the 90s in Louisville, KY (VA is better now in Kentucky). It was after the overwhelming evidence from the wreckage of my life I was finally diagnosed with PTSD in 2005 and received my 80% compensation in 2010.

I was actually service-connected in 2002 with hearing loss and tinnitus due to enemy artillery, but they had issues with reconciling my personal combat experience with the way Desert Storm was portrayed in the media; the myth that the First Gulf War was a bloodless conflict of buttons and smart-bombs. When I told them of the Highway of Death and driving seven (7) days without sleep, about what it looks like to see the world erupt in so much death in so little time; the 100 Hour Ground War was an enemy meat grinder. I was the Point Driver, an Mechanized Infantry Soldier leading our Main Battle Tanks to the enemy. My vehicle led 5,000 men into combat in the Biggest Tank Battle in the History of War. Driving in between explosions, mind screaming to go anywhere but here. I'm looking to move a brigade, not just myself. I am scanning the immediate ground and the terrain for the best movement for our unit, the landscape has a moon quality due to all the craters erupting from explosion after explosions. Their artillery was as good as ours, I hear it most days, boom, boom, boom in the distance, but when near you can feel the meat in your body shake like jelly and you try and control your movements to keep going, no time to die.

We operated at exponentially high stress rates everyday of our deployments, living on the edge of life and death to serve our country and freedom. Knowing you should have died a hundred times can leave us numb to everything; our loved ones included. This country owes those who cannot cope with life or make sense of what we did and saw in combat; this may take decades. That is what we should focus on, how do we reduce the amount of time it takes to reconcile war trauma so that we may live without the red vistas of war spraying all over our reality today.

Any therapist or psychiatrist worth their salt can discern malingering, lets test them on that and not the veteran. To blame the soldiers or veterans just alienates them further and reinforces "If you go forward with asking for help then you cannot be trusted." We loose 18 to 22 veterans a day to suicide, this culture of denial is killing more of our soldiers and veterans then the last 10 years of war, over 60,000 veterans to suicide in the last ten years. That's not counting the suicide in the military.

NOTE: I am so very grateful for the courage the Army investigators showed for blowing the lid off this repugnant practice based in an outdated culture within our military.

Why a Combat Veteran Holds onto Anger

Anger was a successful way to get us and our guys through war, a tool that was honed and perfected for effective use. But, today this way of thinking – faulty thinking or defensive state of mind – keeps us from building the kind of relationships we need. It pushes people away, a defensive mechanism we developed in combat that was very effective at saving our lives and the lives of our squad members. Today it keeps us from building a ‘squad’ at home.

To let it go is counter intuitive and goes against our training and experiences, which have imprinted this false belief that if we let it go it will consume us. The opposite is true; to let it go is to begin healing. I do this by imaging the negative energy upward in intense moments to imaging a body of water matching my emotional state then imaging the waters calming thus lowering my emotional state to the point where I can reason without being clouded by my Combat Values which are not needed in the realm of home and personal relationships. Praying and meditation are a way of life, incorporate it into your life.

False Beliefs supports our hopelessness and seemingly endless self-torture that we feel we deserve for whatever reasons we harnessed to our souls. We did what we had to do and we make ourselves pay for it. You do not deserve this torture son or daughter – God, I know you delivered this young warrior for a reason. God, I ask that you help guide her successfully through his inner daemons so that he can see the value in surviving the impossible situations in combat. He needs Your divine grace and acceptance of his new self so that he can find inner peace again – You do not deserve this self imposed imprisonment.

You can find a way out, it will take time, your mind has been fractured and the pieces will continue to surface and sometimes without your permission as it were. Today I surrender to the flashbacks, in doing so I am able to lessen the effect. The more I fight them, the more they have a hold on me and can take me fully. When I submit to my mind, not my inner daemons, but where my mind NEEDS to go they usually just look imprinted onto everything around me. In this way I am still able to ground myself in my surroundings while not getting lost in the flashback. Whether massive explosions or vaporizing images no human should see the images are superimposed onto my reality; rather than my reality being stolen and overlaid with the vast past.

We have been changed by our experiences in war, we will forever think like a warrior. We have seen and done what people think they can imagine, but we know they cannot. This does not have to separate us from everyone, what you have discovered is the illusion of normalcy. Social norms, family norms and professional norms whether the military or the corporate world we all follow a list of rules that govern our behavior in many settings. Normal is a label, not a state of mind or being. Your journey is to accept this, healing begins by accepting yourself. My acceptance of self has taken decades, it doesn't have to be that long for you. Today the resources are available if you know how to access the services. You can find support in your journey, you are not alone, you never were.

Combat PTSD: A Psycho-Social and Spiritual Wound

America, I gave you my soul in 1991. I didn't know it then that I would receive a psycho-social and spiritual wound that not even I could see. Of late we have heard much on the common symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD in the media and the soldier or veteran, you won't hear me talk about that much. I deal mostly in the chronic nature of Combat PTSD and it's many flavors and identities as it relates to me. I'm all about talking about the mental, physical, social and spiritual aspects of where going to combat can take us.

Along with the mental health issues where I perform the equivalence of aerial acrobatics in a paper airplane with an elephant pilot. Yeah, go read that again. I have recently started taking a new anti-depressant, Lexapro to help with the seasonal depression which buffers the chronic depression this last year. Since I have a "sensitivity" to such medications I get the distinction of trying novel and 'off label' usage of medications. Or I get to be first again, leading the way with taking new medications where hundreds of thousands of veterans will go!

The year 2011 was a year of grieving and mourning; I went into an inpatient PTSD program in Memphis, TN. Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) is a tremendous tool I was able to learn and apply to novel ways of processing my war trauma. Long story short, I was able to reconcile and mourn 5 marine deaths. In doing so it unblocked a flood of mourning for my grandmother, mother, father and friends who had died since 1991. The year 2011 was the year I took my soul back.

Other symptoms of the Combat PTSD Veteran? Toxic levels of stress hormones and chemicals in the body can cause muscle and nerve damage over years from constant flooding of the body. Stomach ulcers, acid re-flux, chronic bowel problems. Then there are the side effects from the medications starting with erectile dysfunction from the medications to treat chronic PTSD I take 9, down from 15 two years ago. If you or a loved you is not on top of your medications they can kill you!

Speaking of family and loved ones. We have the propensity to push everyone away and many of us will alienate the ones we love. Combined with a sense of loss of community, no wonder we are still loosing veterans at a rate of 18 a day. I have the gift of hindsight for all the good it does me in repairing some relationships, if I can manage to keep dodging those land mines! Yeah, the flashbacks. We don't talk about those for two reasons; one because they scare the hell out of us and two, most of us don't have the language to describe it

I do, drop me a line.

ON Dealing with the Combat PTSD Veteran: We Came Home in Spirit as Warriors and Will Forever Be

Unconditional love is to surrender, it is faith in the other and spontaneity unleashed, it is emotional freedom and nurturing of the spirit. All of these things we had to shed before combat; we had to be steadfast, precise and deadly - the exact opposite of unconditional love. Now we are conditioned to it and operate from a Combat Values structure, which can leave our family and loved ones attachments broken. We can experience these states of mind and spirit again, but usually in spurts and sputters. We will develop a set of Signs to warn of our emotional states, we came home in spirit as Warriors and will forever be.

It may take time to learn your veterans triggers, warning signs, and different ways of coping depending on their stress level. When stress levels are high your veteran will be operating from a Warrior Persona and defensive operational procedures will be exhibited. If you keep killing yourself from expectations of your Vet during this time, resentments can build and interfere with your subconscious intentions and interactions with her. If you expect him to call all day and he doesn't - then you have made yourself feel like shit; self made suffering. Many times we will operate from our expectations, intentions and resentments and we must constantly check ourselves for these three relationship wreckers.

When stress levels are high; Expectations, Intentions and Resentments – The 3 Generals of Chaos (3GC) – This Triad of Chaos can wreck havoc on communication, understanding and empathy; Expectations erects barriers between people. Intentions fortifies those walls and Resentments assails those defensive barriers just because they are there. Reason becomes absent, logic rules and only applies to those who can wield it with surgical precision to serve Righteous Indignation, Defamation and Demoralization. – A false belief system maintains a Defensive State of Mind and creates a culture of aggression; providing the fuel for chaos, discord and strife. More on this later…

To the Combat PTSD Caregiver

Reach out to other spouses in your area or online to help educate and support one another. There are many benefits you can apply for today such as the Caregiver Benefit of service-connected veterans. An organization I highly recommend is Family of a Vet, you can find their link on the upper right hand of this blog.

When things between you two become confusing it is due to his perception of reality has been profoundly shaken. Everything he thought of himself has been shattered to the core including his spirit. I often speak of coming home in body starting as we disembark the aircraft to our home soil. Coming home in mind is a completely different experience and mine happened when I was able to be present all day without dissociating or loosing time to spacing out. This happened in 2010 twenty years after my combat experience. I still loose time, in the last several months my stress level has risen and remained constant and my dissociative features of Combat PTSD have been kicking.

Know that when his reality has been high-jacked, you are the means of his reality testing. When this other reality bleeds over into yours, it is real in his mind. Knowing this will help you communicate with him, his comments or behavior can give you clues to his mental state and in what reality his mind thinks its in.

When my kids where around and I was having hallucinations I included them sometimes as combat operations. To them they were playing war with dad, to me the intensity was dulled. I was able to tether myself to my kids and not succumb to the all encompassing flashbacks where the reality of today disappears as the horror of yesteryear rains.

He is in there and will come home in mind when he is ready, his mind trying to sort out the absurdity and brutality of war. It is a long process. I want to thank you for your spirit and knowledge seeking to understand your veteran, you are important to him if he doesn't say it. That's that part of him that cannot reconcile war, killing and the sacrifices your family experiences daily. This part of him is broken, how can we use something effectually rendered inoperable? You are in my prayers.