The Price to be Superman: Combat PTSD

Hey, we have those moments that run into eternity sometimes it seems, lol. We must cry to grieve the part of ourselves that we lost in those moments when we had to hold it together. Who said we always had to hold it together? Did we do what was required to save more then we lost? That is why we must cry today, for in doing what we needed to do then we paid a price. Today, you cry for those who were lost. And for what we must accept as our personal responsibility in our actions as weighed against the incalculable absurdity of war (my account of one event where I accept the appropriate level of responsibility for my actions thus enabling me to work through that aspect of my war trauma).

We paid a price to be superman in the moment, to perform flawlessly for days on end without sleep to carry or guide our guys across alien landscapes as war erupted and ripped through the dunes. We were the super soldiers in the commercials they show for brief moments of controlled fear that required our full attention or people would and did die. We were kids with million dollar pieces of equipment with the most sophisticated weapons in the world shooting targets like the video games. Except, niggling behind the commercial appeal of the technology, we were killing people.

While I had the advantage, our enemy fought with a fierce zeal to the tune of over 20,000 deaths in 100 hours. These are the flashbacks that I have and experiences daily. It is frightening when I'm having a really cool moment with people and these images become strewn about their faces, trying to attach themselves. I fight to separate the flashbacks from the people in reality. At times when others act defensive or passive aggressively it triggers me, happened today with a friend of mine. What is the appropriate response to that, "Excuse me, but I need a moment all I can see right now is the bright red glare of vaporized people misting in the air."

Combat PTSD: A Psycho-Social and Spiritual Wound

America, I gave you my soul in 1991. I didn't know it then that I would receive a psycho-social and spiritual wound that not even I could see. Of late we have heard much on the common symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD in the media and the soldier or veteran, you won't hear me talk about that much. I deal mostly in the chronic nature of Combat PTSD and it's many flavors and identities as it relates to me. I'm all about talking about the mental, physical, social and spiritual aspects of where going to combat can take us.

Along with the mental health issues where I perform the equivalence of aerial acrobatics in a paper airplane with an elephant pilot. Yeah, go read that again. I have recently started taking a new anti-depressant, Lexapro to help with the seasonal depression which buffers the chronic depression this last year. Since I have a "sensitivity" to such medications I get the distinction of trying novel and 'off label' usage of medications. Or I get to be first again, leading the way with taking new medications where hundreds of thousands of veterans will go!

The year 2011 was a year of grieving and mourning; I went into an inpatient PTSD program in Memphis, TN. Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) is a tremendous tool I was able to learn and apply to novel ways of processing my war trauma. Long story short, I was able to reconcile and mourn 5 marine deaths. In doing so it unblocked a flood of mourning for my grandmother, mother, father and friends who had died since 1991. The year 2011 was the year I took my soul back.

Other symptoms of the Combat PTSD Veteran? Toxic levels of stress hormones and chemicals in the body can cause muscle and nerve damage over years from constant flooding of the body. Stomach ulcers, acid re-flux, chronic bowel problems. Then there are the side effects from the medications starting with erectile dysfunction from the medications to treat chronic PTSD I take 9, down from 15 two years ago. If you or a loved you is not on top of your medications they can kill you!

Speaking of family and loved ones. We have the propensity to push everyone away and many of us will alienate the ones we love. Combined with a sense of loss of community, no wonder we are still loosing veterans at a rate of 18 a day. I have the gift of hindsight for all the good it does me in repairing some relationships, if I can manage to keep dodging those land mines! Yeah, the flashbacks. We don't talk about those for two reasons; one because they scare the hell out of us and two, most of us don't have the language to describe it

I do, drop me a line.

Female Combat Veteran Reaches Out For Help

I received this comment on the 20th of February from a female combat veteran.

PFC.Army2007 said...

I am a sister, a daughter, a mother, a wife, a combat veteran. It's sad to say that after all this time the horror I have experienced in the war still haunts me. It is affecting my relationship with my children and my marriage to my husband of 10 years. I felt so alone sometimes...empty...mad...I can see myself changed after my service and I don't know how to fill the emptiness inside me. Things around me in the civilian world still triggers my memory. I want to forget everything and move on. I couldn't.... I found my self sometimes staring at a distance...screaming silently inside of me...tears would fall down my cheeks..my husband would ask.."Whats wrong? Do you want to talk?" I always say nothing...I felt that I need to enlist in the service again just to feel whole again...I don't know what to do....

My suggestions,

Welcome home. Some suggestions...do not reenlist...that will make your situation worse and you could possibly loose everything. Right now you feel like everything is wrong. Today you have been experiencing delayed reactions to the insanity of combat but did not have time to process during the threats to your life. If you would have felt what you feel today on the scale you experience today, while in combat, then you would of had a greater chance of getting killed.

What you are experiencing is a normal reaction that happens when we leave the adrenaline driven world of combat and then transition to home in the "real world" (which to us seems to be a false reality). Our world view have been completely and permanently altered by what we witnessed. To describe "what I did" in combat usually leads to use of the word "witnessed." I can only reconcile my spiritual side by seeking the perspective of a witness; to never forget, to be vigilant in advocating for the mentally wounded and to find a personal purpose from the insanity of war. This was paramount for me to move past the position you reside in now.

Soldiers, Guilt, Grief, Killing and Survival

In the last few posts I have been reposting some writings with a central theme. What a combat veteran goes through after returning from the battlefield, what we bring home to our families and communities. Below I discuss an identification with the crippling guilt that had blocked access to fully realizing my memories. Years after combat I could not remember most of what I had witnessed, but wished I could forget the guilt and self-condemnation haunting me. I demonized my enemy and in doing so lost my humanity.

I was writing about the "troop organism" and the squad mentality in my last paper. This line of inquiry took me back to a time when I felt totality, never since have I been more alive. A complete sense of unity, an omnipresence with my squad so whole within my surroundings, including the enemy we snuffed, especially those souls. I carry them today; the weight of such suffering that I now hold within. I have a sense of responsibility to those lives we took, I hold such guilt that at times it overwhelms me to the point of incapacitation.

My surviving has had such an impact on my life that many times I find myself not being worthy of having survived, and I know that this thought is not rational, but at times I cannot shake it. Many times in my life I thought of killing myself because of the crushing guilt, all due to my survival and inability to put behind me these thoughts of incompleteness.

Thinking back now, I feel that the absence of the completeness I felt back in 1991 coupled with the guilt of surviving have combined to form a disorganized attachment to the soldiers that we killed. In losing my attachment to the troop-organism, I unconsciously reformed that attachment on the one thing that I could take home with me, my guilt. In losing my squad-selves and my subsequent identifying with the enemy soldiers, I unwittingly formed a festoon of guilt and hung it upon my soul.

I know that they were the enemy, it was kill or be killed...But my God, when we were shooting and hitting them I saw their tanks and vehicles blowing up in grand fashion, it seemed so beautiful. I remember the sight was so awe inspiring, the turrets flipping end over end, fire spraying upwards to a hundred feet. I could feel in the back of my mind, my humanity, trying to tell me that there were people in those tanks. My mind tried to tell that I could actually see the bodies felling over and over, within the upwelling of fire...no, no that cannot be...I was too far from them to actually see. So I told myself.< The reality set in when we saw the charred remains of the vehicles and realizing that no one could have lived through that. I remember trying not to think of my vehicle getting hit like that. The guilt began to creep up on me when we saw the pitiful encampments of the regular soldiers; we saw their food stocks...rice and rotting tomatoes...nothing more, and little of that. We joked of how we were glad to be on our side, again I felt the little bit of guilt niggling at me to witness and take in what we saw. Today, I carry the guilt of thousands of soldiers who lost their lives to the meat grinder of the US Army by way of the M1A1 Abrams Main Battle tank sabot rounds, of the Apache helicopter hellfire missiles, the 30mm A10 Warthog Gatling guns, multiple launch rocket systems and the 105 mm howitzer to name a few. To find out how bravely the Iraqi Republican Guard units fought against an over whelming foe, follow this link (then click on "correcting myths").

I still chase that sense of totality...I was the driver, on point for the division, so I saw it all.

To Buckle Under the Burden

A friend of mine sent this message to me on Facebook. It expounds an enlightenment on how our veterans fare from war and healing.

I'm setting up at VA last night and fixing to head back this morning. My best friends dad is in there very sick. I look into all these old soldiers and wonder why do we have to fight in war...put scars on our men that will never go away. I feel that the mental thing you all have went through is worse then any psychical trauma. I know your more religious then me so can you put (him) in your prayers. He is ready to meet his maker, but his kids and I are not.

I am sorry to hear about your friends dad. I love you my friend and hope that you and your friend find Gods loving embrace as you journey through the ritual of passing. Know the scars that we bare in our hearts and on our bodies were endured as a service to you, our community and nation. Your veteran is a testament to the resiliency of a people who give freely and embrace higher ideals with valor and an inner reserve that only God can fill.

The whole US should walk through their nearest VA and see what war does to the body, mind and soul. I go to the VA regularly and see the newest veterans from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I often see them in wheel chairs, in the waiting rooms or walking around with the scars of war visible or not from traumatic brain injury (TBI), amputations, PTSD, depression, and feeling that familiar tenseness in their bodies and mind.

One particular veteran I saw had no hair due to excessive scarring on his head that radically altered his appearance. He had a leg amputated which I had overlooked due to his healed head wounds. He was not interacting with anyone, just sitting in his wheelchair and looking off into space. His parents were there with him, he could not have been older than 21 or 22. I wondered what kind of life does this man have? Does he interact at all with his loved ones, and how does he do so?

Instantly I felt an immense sense of grief and almost buckled under the burden that he and his family carry. I only imagined the worst probably because of a bias that I carry in rememberance of our modern veterans. This rage I feel is in direct conflict with the pride I feel in me and our veterans; a cold raw anger and resentment of our government that has shattered our minds and bodies. I sense the pain of our modern disabled veterans and have thoughts that diminish my experiences or think that it should shrink my suffering. I love them and feel a kinship, a closeness that I have never experienced before, a connection to someone I have never met but know all to well.

Why Do Soldiers and Veterans Seem Reluctant to Seek Help?

I have thought about this for a couple of days and did not know what to say for a minute. But then I started thinking about why I was not persistent with receiving help. My initial help seeking came from the insistence from ex-wives, on a conscious level I did not believe that I needed help even in the face of my insanity. It took many years of my flailing about to become convinced of my need for assistance.

I believe the reason for many veterans reluctance to receive help, on the internet or in the office has to do with the inherent denial of PTSD coupled with the stigma attached. We survived the most intensive environment that a human can endure; combat, killing and mayhem. How can we succumbed to an unseen foe? Unimaginable and enduring ghosts that chase us unrelenting, a perfect machination for denial.

If I do not acknowledge it, I will not have to deal with it. Except that when we do not fully realize a part of our selves then we run the risk of being led by an unrecognized part of self that now becomes an entity within, influencing our thinking and behavior. A self perpetual and elusive presence populating the mind.

Another key issue we have, trust. We have an aversion with trusting anyone that do not think like us. In combat we formed the most intense bonding that a human can experience, a total and unrelenting commitment to a guardianship between squad members. I refer this as the "troop organism", we feel great pain in the loss of our appendages, both in a KIA and in going home without the "rest of us".

The mystifying experience of posttraumatic decline involves a sense of confusing reexperiencing and intrusive thinking from a disowned side of the personality. The part of us that we do no accept as our own, we deny its existence, we cannot accept that we have a killer inside of us. This disassociated self, the combat self, insists on interjecting itself into our daily life. In a battle with no solid enemy and no apparent battleground the warrior having been trained to combat the physical comes in contact with a foe that can overshadow the imagination. A pitched battle between denial and acceptance can rage for many years.

Even after many attempts to receive help, I was not equipped to begin therapy, so I would quit before a diagnosis could be assigned. In the VA before a service connection can be determined the veteran must endure many forays into the stressors that caused the posttraumatic stress reactions. Doing so without many months or even years of psychoeducation and cognitive restructuring therapy can be detrimental and harmful to the veteran, exacerbating their condition.

To The Soldier or Veteran Who Has Lost Their Way

I can understand and appreciate the precarious position you find yourself in. It can be a horrendous feeling to loose a powerful position such as being a soldier. Professions that hold a high public trust have plenty of prestige and respect as part of the package. The loss of identity tied to a vocation that commands an elevated sense of purpose due to a psychological malady can impinge upon the individual. The public can deny forever the stigma, we who live this know the doubt and disappointment in the eyes of former colleges and even strangers upon learning of the wounds received.

You deserve to be a complete person, to enjoy life, to find your true self, to be who you are. Your past life is a part of you, not who you are, just who you used to be. Mourn this loss, doing so can help you let go of your past personage. Look deep into self and find who you were meant to be, this can become an opportunity to explore and discover your destined path. When we take the journey God has laid for us, he will provide the opportunities to expand our composure and place those who comprise our spiritual communion of endeavor to assist us so.

Accept what has happened to you, take responsibility for your feelings, it is OK to feel the way you feel, you are not your feelings. You do not have to act upon your emotions, they are what they are, they are not you, but only a part of you.

Our illnesses and pain, physical or otherwise, seeks to hold us up inside of ourselves and our homes. This will only increase our grief. You will have your pain wherever you go, so go, do something for yourself. You have served and done your part, let others do the sacrificing, now you have your journey to begin.

I have found my former anguish to be a strength today, people who go through the fires of hell develop a unique set of skills. Beware for they can become a burden if we succumb and enmesh them within without transcending.

Find people that have had similar experiences, they have been waiting for you, they are there, look for them.

Integration of all our skill sets, beliefs, values and potentials entails a lifetime journey, the sooner we accept this the sooner we can embark. Reject nothing of yourself, for without all that you are, you cannot move forward and begin to find hope.

I am here for you, come back when you can.

A Soldier and Child

The reality of war has this child at the heart of the matter and oblivious to the meaning of why daddy will never come home.

How many sons and daughters have this same dilemma in their young lives? Where does laying soldiers to rest leave their families? Why do we ignore these questions?

How do we answer, "When is daddy/mommy coming home?"

Father Has Passed as has the Past

A couple of days ago I was writing about my father passing away. What I wanted to say and could not was in times of great stress my emotions shut down; my mind goes into survival mode. Into that region of temporal tempestuousness, the silent eye of a tornadic twister.

In the middle of the storm the nether expanse has suspended the rules of reason. The deep fractured fissures of the traumatic subjugated mind lay unrest. A coiled wrath waiting seemingly without care to unleash on what may not be there. Reacting without interacting racing and straining the rigors of rationalities foregoing the fulcrum of lucidity and stupidity. Reacting without reason the reflexive trigger rigorously ripping tripping and stripping the underneath.

I have been trying to write this post since the 6th, my father passed on the 2nd. The above is where my mind goes when I experience stress and extreme emotions. I thank god that I have found a new way to cope and process these emotions. My old way of self medicating has been rearing its ugly head as I try and picture this world without my dad.

I carried my fathers ashes in one hand and a portrait of him and all his sons in the other from the funeral home. When I picked him up, I thought he is heavy and I looked at the picture and felt the entire weight of everyone who now look up to me. I realized the seat of the family passing onto me, right then I had a breakthrough. I carried him fifteen feet and fell into the pew, releasing the pent up grief and emotionality.

My son told me later as I asked him whats on his mind. He said, "I just can't imagine that being you." and then he said, "How did you carry...how?" He could not find the words, I understood his emotive plead to explain how I will live without my dad. I told him that you will be surprised what we can live through and do. I told him that the memories, the things that he taught me, the shared space and existence do not go away. These things will always be with us, in essence we carry with us his presence and love. He is a part of us, thats how we will carry on.