The Nightmare Cure

3:30am, I stir in my sleep. Maybe he came to bed already? But my outstretched arm feels no warm body and finds only a cold empty space…..again.

I can see light dancing on the wall downstairs, reflecting the muted TV’s flickering images. I slip from my bed and quietly make my way to the living room. As I approach the sofa I already know the scene that awaits. There bathed in the light of the television he is slumped, passed out, vodka spilled across his lap while still clinging to the empty glass. I take a moment to regard this sight putting aside the conflict of emotions I am experiencing (pity, sorrow, anger) and take care of the situation. He looks so vulnerable, almost fragile, and I curse the demons that haunt him so.

Leaning forward I take the glass in my left hand and gently touch his leg with my right. "Honey....babe....come to bed” I speak softly so as not to startle him. The grip on his glass grows tight and he groans some incomprehensible words of objection. I make my appeal again “its 3:30....come to bed”. This time his eyes open briefly, he utters, “I’ll be right there” and closes his eyes again.

Knowing that he will not "be right there" I turn off the TV, feeling helpless and hopeless I admit defeat and retreat upstairs. At some point between 3:30am and the time morning comes he will have found his way to bed; too drunk to be troubled by the horrific nightmares of the combat veteran.

Sleep well my love, sleep well.

What to do With a Drug and Alcohol Abuser

Mixed throughout some of my latest articles I have written about events centered around drug use and abuse. Over at A Soldier's Perspective I received a great question on a recent article, by a reader calling herself Susan.

Great story. A memorable milestone in your life. As a mom, I have to ask you how you went from a drug user to a soldier? Was there any defining moment in that change. I ask because I am a mother of a 20 year old young man. A young man I have found to my dismay is using drugs. I am lost as to how to help and live somewhat fearful for him.

Beyond taking a 2×4 across his head I am lost in this struggle. (Please note as a disclaimer that I would use the 2 x 4 with as much unconditional love that I could muster!)

any advice?

My reply to a well timed question,

Susan, I went from a soldier to a drug and alcohol user immediately upon returning home. Although I drank before I deployed, it did not get me into a spectrum of trouble until after combat. It took me 15 years of trouble at home, 2 marriages, alienating my children, problems with the law, violence, anger, 30 jobs, homelessness and landing in a long-term drug and treatment facility before I could come to terms with my addiction and mental illness (PTSD).

Many factors may contribute to your sons using and degree of using. He may be an occasional user, a frequent user or a chronic user. Even if his using is only occasional you could get friends, family and significant others together that love him and tell him of your concerns about his using drugs.

Does he have a mental health diagnosis, or do you suspect he may a mental illness? He could be self medicating, if this is the case then it will probably be harder to get him to quit because he may be seeking and receiving some relief in using.

If his using has caused him legal problems or difficulty holding a job, then he may need further interventions.

Some suggestions, If He Does Not Want Help:

• If he/she does not want help then he will need to reach his "bottom" (12-Step talk for abject demoralization), before they will seek help.
• Enabling an addict will only increase their use and dependence on you (causing you greater stress and safety issues).
• Do not let an addict borrow money.
• Do not trust an addict, they will use it against you.
• Call the police if you fear for your safety (you cannot help him if you are injured or dead).
• You may have to kick the addict out of the house, even if that means they will be homeless. (due to stealing, violence, or other situations that jeopardize the safety of the homes occupants).
• Throughout let him/her know that you are there for them if they want help and spell that help out for him/her.
• Before you help, they must sign into a drug treatment program.
• Unconditional love does not mean that you have to give them everything they "want", only what they "need". What they want will only become relevant to him/her or you if they are the one achieving it.

Hey, By the Way I Ran into the Dope Man Today

Yesterday I was running some errands to get ready to spend the weekend with my girlfriend. After I had picked up a prescription from Wal-Mart I was sitting in my car when a guy walks up to me pointing like he had always done. I looked thinking what and was immediately thinking defensively. When I looked up I saw my old dope dealer and was surprised, so to be polite I got out of the car and talked with him for a minute.

We talked about people we used to hang with and if we had seen any of them, I replied no but had actually had seen some of them. I felt guarded with this guy, not wanting to give him to much information about me. He asked where I lived and responded with a general area. He asked me what I was doing today and I was proud to tell him I am in my senior year of college. He seemed surprised, but changed the subject quickly. He did mention that the college campus would be a great money maker, with all the partying going on. I asked him was he working and his reply was "Oh yeah, 7 days a week." He asked me if I still was hustling, code for do you want any drugs to sell and/or use. I was also proud to tell him that, no I do not. But, their was conflicting emotions and the lure of getting high again. The wheels where turning in my head, a voice was seductively saying,

You know he has some weed in his car, all you have to do was ask for it.

Another voice was reminding me of how far I had come, to get high was to give up the esteem that I have earned. I was reminded of the cirlce of frineds I have and how they play a part in my descion making skills today. That my friends today lift me up and inspire me to new heights; they encourage and challenge me. The conflicts I have today with my friends comes from love, not petty resentments from unmet needs and expectations. In that moment I realized a deeper appreciation and understanding of what friendship entails and how it impacts my life. The foundation I have built steadied my course and enabled me to tell myself no, to shut off the negative voices and drive away feeling blessed.