Seconds Away From Suicide: Readily Will I Display...

On the 5th of April, I burned my wrist pretty badly while making some home-brew. My wife had the car at the time, but, before I would even call for help, I had to clean the wort off the floor (wort is beer before yeast is added). I saved all of the wort so I could finish that batch. The Ranger creed may seem like a silly mechanism to discuss suicide, but the Ranger creed is what saved my life when I had loaded gun in my hand. This example of me cleaning up my mess before even calling someone in order to go to the emergency room illustrates just how the sixth stanza of the Ranger is webbed into fabric of my being. It is what prevented me from taking my own life.

Readily will I display the intestinal fortitude required to fight on the the Ranger objective and complete my mission, though I be the lone survivor. Rangers lead the way.

After I came home from the Surge, I could no longer conceal the problems I had for years. In crowds, I got so overwhelmed that I would almost pass out. I had to stop driving because I almost ran off the road twice, when I thought there were IEDS. Panic attacks almost made me lose consciousness. The mTBI symptoms were worse then, limited spatial awareness and vertigo characterized my life. When my neurologist recommended an inpatient program, my battalion executive officer told the personnel officer that he did "not have time to deal with a Captain with PTSD and mTBI," while I sat outside his office. I was the most battle tested officer in that battalion, and I felt like Boxer from Animal Farm: once I was used up, my battalion was happy to ship me off to the glue factory. My doctor stuck to his guns and I went to an inpatient program in Richmond, Virginia, and then in Salisbury, North Carolina. During my hospitalization my ex-wife decided that her chemistry professor was a better choice.

Needless to say, life was not going well and I was leaving the Army just days after getting out of a hospital. I was packing up my home to put it on the market when I looked at a Beretta pistol. Why not end it all right now? The unit I fought in for years thought I was a piece of shit, my family had not even seen me after I came home, and my wife was shopping around for a replacement. I still had the hospital bracelet on and now I was about to be on the street alone. No pay, no purpose, no family, no support at all. Just alone in my thoughts. I cocked the gun, but before I could lift it up my Ranger brain took to action.

The flood of the, stress chemical, cortisol, was something I had become accustomed to using in combat. In most cases you use the surge of cortisol to fight or fly, but as an officer I employed it to think through outcomes. When I held that gun in my hand I thought through what would happen. The Army would do nothing... I would just be another number. Maybe friends might find out, and be more sensitive when they had soldiers struggling with PTSD.  Probably not though, they always had their soldiers' best interests at mind. My mother would be devastated, but my father would just write my suicide into his latest narrative of war making me a sinner, and turning me against God.

Serendipitously, my boots from Ranger school were in my eye-line and reminded me of what I was capable of handling. Sure I wanted all of that to end, but I felt that way in Ranger school too. I used to say to myself, "I don't want to quit, I just want this to end." When you're walking in the middle of a swamp no one is coming in with a jungle penetrator to take you home. I would just make it to the next rest halt. This was the same, but what was the point? What was my purpose anymore? I left the Army because I wanted to make a difference with my pen. All of my "disabilities" were going to make that nearly impossible. So you're saying there is a chance. I was never a smart Ranger anyway, I was always a tough one. Everyday I was at sick call getting something drained, taking crazy low distribution antibiotics, getting all the skin taken of the bottom of my foot, yet everyday I would smile while humming the Ranger school hymn, "I'll Fly Away."

I knew how to find my way in misery; without thought I dropped the magazine, removed all the rounds and threw them into the woods. At the time I had no idea of what my mission was, but I was damn sure going to fight onto that objective. The whole world seemed to have turned on me, but, so what, just hum that hymn, drive on and somewhere in the process I will figure out how to get better, or learn how to enjoy the suck. I kept one Ranger school boot on my desk and one on my dresser so I would always be able to remember what I was capable of overcoming.

I can't tell you why things got so bad for me, but what I do know is that I did nothing to cause it or deserve it. I certainly am not weaker than I was before. If anything I am tougher mentally than my body is physically, and I should take it easier when my body is giving me queues like "Hey stupid, your wrist has second degree burns on it... someone else can clean the floor later on."  More importantly, when you have stepped up to save your own life, every milestone gets a little sweeter. My relentless mission focus is, more often, an annoying characteristic that pushes me way too  hard, but it also brought me through the most difficult time in my life. A time when I had no support at all. Now when I hold my wife, play with my dog, drink with my friends, and work with my colleagues, I am so grateful for the man that pushed on when there was no indication that I could never make a positive impact on the lives of others again.

You can see my burn and Darby's awesomeness

When we were kids we never think that, "seconds away from suicide," would end up on our bucket list, but I am so happy that I had the courage to live on unashamed. I have been lucky enough to put more on my bucket list after that day than I would have had the courage to dream of as a child. I hated Ranger school, but, like in combat, its ideals have never let me down when the world becomes dangerous or chaotic. It is often said that the Army never trained us for coming home, and that is generally correct, but it did teach us values. Learning to translate core values into a life out of uniform saved my life, and I would be lost without things like the Army Values, Warrior Ethos, and the Ranger creed. The road home is not easy and it sucks more often than not, but that doesn't mean that its is not something you can't enjoy or find fulfilling. It certainly beats Ranger School.

I Have a Partner Not a Caregiver: I Would Be Lost Without Her But I Don't Want Her to Become My Nurse

This is the QB armband I wear to help me remember chores.

The last thing I would ever want to be guilty of is calling for a ubiquitous model for the household division of labor, but the breadwinner family model doesn't always match my values. When I left the Army I never cited PTSD, but I did cite the inflexibility of the Army's career track for officers. Specifically the common process of moving every three years made it impossible for me to support my spouse's career ambitions. Despite the fact that my first wife left me while I was hospitalized for PTSD and mTBI, I am still grateful that this decision has ultimately let me support my wife's career.

Despite my best ambitions I am terrible at doing my share of the household chores. I think that this is common amongst veterans. Terms like caregivers have arrived primarily because some injuries are so severe that they do require full time support, but also because PTSD makes it hard value non life threatening phenomenon. Let's face it, after war most of our brain power is used to analyze perceived threats. Doing the laundry on time is hard when we constantly feel threatened.

But we have learned to never to make excuses and this was the very reason I left the Army. I have always wanted to support my partner's career as much as my own. A breadwinner model family may work for most veteran caregiver relationships, but this does not always recognize how our country's values have changed to provide equal career opportunities for each sex. More importantly, I prioritize values and this is an area in which I am falling short of my own expectations.

Like many mTBI sufferers I often find myself in a room with no idea why I am there or on the trail alone with no idea how long I have been there. I have come to realize that my memory is only reliable when I consistently pattern my behavior and have constant reminders. Specifically, I have had the most success by replicating the way I inspected equipment prior to combat. My mind's focus on threats still recognized this need and the behaviors I designed after suffering from mTBI work well. I have tried cell phone alarms, an iPad calendar, chalk boards, a PDA etc., but none worked in long term. I think it is because my battlefield mind doesn't focus on those that I never used in combat.

Recently, I have gained a better awareness of my memory lapses. My watch broke and I temporarily borrowed my wife's. While it had the date, it did not have the day of the week on it. Sometimes I used my phone, but more often I would simply forget what day it was. I missed numerous appointments until I got a new watch. I was still forgetting household duties because I had a written schedule that wasn't readily available. Keeping my syllabi open on my desktop prevented schedule mistakes with my course, but this did little to help outside of the classroom.

My ROTC Cheat sheets helped me with memory.

Like the difficulties I have grasping my own identity and my forearm tattoos, I realized that I always kept important tasks and grids on my non-firing forearm with my watch. Any graduate of Ranger school knows how to constantly check their watch, no matter the stressor, so they can get off the objective before artillery is called on your position. I began to realize that I constantly lose track of tasks because I am startled, but no matter what I checked my watch. If I used the same quarterback style armband that I did on raids (I actually rested my map there most often), then I might do a better job keeping up with my chores.

I don't know how this going to work, and I was reluctant to embrace method because it would visible to everyone. However, I have done more permanent things to my body to fight for other aspects of my identity. Being a supportive husband is also a vital aspect of my identity, and I have begun to realize that I need to do whatever it takes. For me it is more important to have a partnership with my wife than have someone who cares for all of my needs. I may not be able to keep up with her all the time, but it is important to me that I do all I can. If I can write this blog and display my life bare before this audience, then I can wear something on my wrist that might be a little embarrassing.  If I want to be great partnership, then I have to employ the same strategies, with the same vigor, that I do to define who I am or use to support my comrades in arms.

The home cannot be a front we leave closed simply because it is harder to care about washing the dishes when you've held human viscera in your hands. Our partners can be so important to our well being and we should not concede this ground even when they are rushing forward to care for our needs and support us however they can. Most importantly, we can't let our spouse become our nurse at the expense of intimacy, romance and spontaneity. I personally value the deeper connections that are made in a partnership more than I could benefit from any treatment regime, and I am hesitant to ever yield the title of wife/partner. Some veterans will never be able to contribute to their household chores and I am lucky to contribute: it is a privilege I should appreciate rather than abandon just because it has become difficult to make it a priority. Growth doesn't make a lot of highlight reels or montages in action movies, but the way we manage our homes is vital to our relationships. It is not the stuff of movies, but is the substance of a healthy relationship. In a pragmatic sense, my relationship with my wife is what kept me going when things started getting dark, and all I could think about was suicide. Though it requires work and daily effort to support her, the payoff is significant for both of us. More importantly, making my wife happy makes me feel good and real achievement is measured in how you treat your family, not medals, scare badges, plaques, number of combat missions, etc. Mission focus can never make us forget that we have no greater mission than supporting our loved ones whatever family model reflects our values.

The Terrible Moments That Define Us

Warning: This contains profanity and descriptions of war wounds.

One of my greatest sorrows is how some of the most memorable and significant events of my life were driven by bind hatred. I want to talk about an event that has challenged the very fabric of my humanity and has changed me.  An event that probably lasted less than ten seconds has irrevocably altered my life. During my second deployment as Anti Tank Platoon leader I was serving as the escort for my Battalion's Operations Officer Major (now Lieutenant Colonel) Massaracahia. While placing our vehicles in positions to move out we heard an explosion. After the fact we learned that a mentally ill women,  reported to be carrying a baby and, most likely remote detonated, blew up on a crowd of civilians waiting in line to receive compensation for damages to their homes (sustained during a massive clearing operation of the city). This was the most horrific event that I have ever experienced. There is still blood stains on my boots; blood that literally and figuratively will never wash away.

Because we were already in position to move my platoon was among the first elements to arrive and because my platoon had less than 4 soldiers who could dismount their vehicles, I went out to help who I could. I ran out with a combat life saving kit and came across the most significantly wounded human being I could ever imagine. At first he simply looked as if his injures were a severed leg, but when I tried to lift him his torsos gave in ways that they should not have. Gravity rather than the sinews of his body held him together (this moment was something I could not even remember in therapy and was blocked out until I wrote this account). His torso was rocked with multiple injuries that I could not even see through all of the blood and charred clothing.

He was bleeding from his head, but his worst injuries were on his left leg. Even with the damage to his abdomen I hoped  maybe he could be saved so I struggled to find a place to put a tourniquet. But, his left hip more resembled ground beef than human flesh and it was hard to tell where the wound began. It was difficult to determine what parts his body was intact and what had liquefied. His leg was still technically connected, but by what I could not determine because it all resembled a bloody and dirty gelatin warmed by the sun into a substance that was slightly between liquid and solid. No place for a tourniquet and the wound was far to large for an occlusive dressing. This poor man whose only crime was trying to replace the damage cause by a major U.S. operation was going to die and there was nothing I could do. Worse, in that moment despite the carnage I noticed that their were multiple supporting elements coming to help and that the security was getting really disorganized.

I was a platoon leader and though every fiber of my body just wanted to comfort this man who was going to die. I could not save him and now this poor bastard would die alone on street corner in Tal A Far Iraq. I will never forget the look on his face when I left him there to die. He did not know I was leaving to keep others alive and that real threats were trying to exploit our lapsed security (threats I would help eliminate). That poor man just thought I had given up on him. It was like watching a man's soul die along with his body. I am sure there have been worse moments, but I cannot fathom a greater amount of grief that has ever existed than watching his face as I left to take charge of the perimeter. I know that I did the right thing, but he did not understand. He died on that street alone and abandoned as an expectant casualty.

I wanted to curse the world that made me look a man in his eyes, realize that he was beyond help, and move on to things that I could effect. I wanted to say fuck the universe that made me have to be so callous and so methodical. For a moment I hated a world that possessed hate to such a degree that a man might see another man suffering, recognize the tragedy, and be forced to move on because he was an expectant casualty. If I or someone I loved was exposed to a similar circumstance all I would wish was that someone could comfort them. But, I had a platoon to manage and the area was less than secure. I thought to myself "I can feel this later but I have a job to do right now." I would not be able to feel anything but anger for years.

I will never dispossess that moment, with the sorrow and empathy that I gained from that man's terrible injuries. Moreover, how I left him their to die alone. I will possess that man's humanity to my last breath. Yet, I have no idea who he actually was, what he did for a living or even his name. Watching a man in such pain, with no help for survival, die made me feel like I let him down. It broke down cultural barriers. No worldview is worth what happened to that poor man, and you would have to be taught to hate others your whole life in order to justify the brutal killing of civilians. I just cannot fathom what it took to commit such a terrible atrocity.

I hope to never believe so passionate about a cause that any actions are justified. Because when "the ends justify the means" where does it stop before another innocent man is lying on the ground bleeding out with no possibility of aid. I came from that broken, but better. In the years that followed I would be asked to train Iraqi units. My empathy for the Iraqi people became the source of strength for the most difficult time period of my life. But that is another story altogether. It is not necessarily the moments by themselves that define us, but how and what we learn for them. In the same set of circumstances, other men, even better people might have learned another lesson. In the end all I know is that I did all I could do and that is enough. I was not then nor am I right now afraid of what I felt in those moments (though at times in between and certainly in the future I will be). But, I have had to fight to get there and I will have to keep fighting in order stay where I am. All of that is worth it because that poor nameless man's life is not wasted because I struggle everyday to never forget what hatred brings to our world and that beyond all the misery of that moment, which will never go away or be made better, I am so beyond lucky to have survived it. Better to have my moral compass still intact. This has been the hardest battle I have ever fought, and I think I winning.

My take away is simple. Do something tangible that helps others everyday. That is all I could do then and it is all I can do now. But, that is not a burden, rather it is a hard earned privilege that I am lucky and better to have gained. I owe that nameless man who taught me this terrible, but valuable lesson and I owe myself to have the courage to face it and apply it. Lest it be for nothing.

Ranger Run with Team Red White and Blue

I was planning on delaying my second post for a few weeks, but I got the opportunity to support a good charity. This year I have purposely limited my schedule to spend more time advocating for veterans issues. I saw that my friend Mike Erwin (founder of Team Red White and Blue (TRWB) and psychology Instructor at West Point) was on a team of fundraisers and I wanted to contribute. The Ranger Run is a team of athletes that run a total of 565 miles in the month of February to raise money for veterans as well as awareness for veterans’ issues. TRWB has become so central to my own recovery and sense of pride. Without their emphasis on growth I have no idea where I would be right now.

In 2011 I was having a good year in the public eye, but not below the surface. My performance at my job would single me out for the U.S. Army ROTC Instructor of the Year, but I was hiding my problems. I used a full time job, a full load in graduate school, and a busy race schedule to avoid my own problems with PTSD. I became severely depressed, and began to have suicidal thoughts that overtime became an obsession. Only at this broken time in my life did I find the courage I needed to face my challenges. I had been exercising over four hours a day to manage the rage within me. I ran the Pineland Farms trail 50 miler and it broke me off something fierce. Yet I was so proud of the achievement. I found strength when I was broken. I began to realize that I had done nothing wrong, and was not morally or physically inferior because I had PTSD.

Overtime and after finishing more races, I found the courage to be more public about my own struggles with PTSD and mTBI. There is no Panacea for these conditions but TRWBs philosophy has changed my life. Do not get me wrong none of the symptoms of my medical conditions have alleviated, but I am happy. Like an Ultra Marathon I just keep pushing on with the Relentless Forward Progress necessary to grow with and not in spite of my medical conditions.

 In November I had the chance to meet Mike Erwin in person at the JFK 50 miler and had one of the best runs of my life. After running a Western States 100 qualifier despite struggling through a series of Panic Attacks at the outset of the race I began to have the courage to be public with my story. I wrote my first public account of my struggles with PTSD on TRWB’s blog. Days afterward some my friends thanked me for telling my story and, even better, others who struggled with panic attacks thanked me for my frank account. All of my own struggles to find growth were now so much more tangible because they were helping other people.

That’s TRWB’s philosophy. “Other People Matter. Period.” This Organization’s philosophy was better than therapy or treatment, and the running I was doing to manage my anger was now helping others. I proudly “Wear the Eagle” every chance I can. Trust me that you will never finish an Ultra Marathon if you focus on the whole event rather than taking one step at a time. TRWB is not just about healing but being proud of yourself and continuing to show the courage you have from the day you swore an oath to the Constitution. Its not about disability its about growth and pride. I am hooked this philosophy. Also it sponsors many more activities than 50 mile runs.

I know that not everyone can run races and that only crazy people like myself will ever try to run races longer than marathons, but it is so essential that we find ways to contribute to our communities. It is essential that we still place ourselves on teams dedicated to our value system. This who we are and why we joined the military, and when we stop doing this we lose key piece of ourselves. TRWB may not be the thing for you, but it has helped me so much. I only want to emphasize how much joining a team of veterans can help, and how fitness is “much cheaper than therapy.”

Vets Prevail: for Vets by Vets

Our veterans face a severe 30% shortfall of therapists and mental health practitioners in both the government and private sectors. It's estimated that 70% of soldiers and veterans needing help do not seek it. Our Veteran's Administration budget is strained and cannot handle the patients they have let alone address the on coming tsunami of help seeking veterans.

The Vets Prevail program is much different than the rest of the veteran's sites that only offer information in base form, such as this one. The interactive skills teaching aspect and the asking and answering questions section are paramount in helping to address the veterans and soldiers mental health problem. This program can get a soldier or veteran the skills needed to navigate life successfully. It can get the warrior fast tracked and ready for therapy and treatment by teaching them skills needed to process traumatic memories.

It's centered on proven coping and behavioral skills building concepts, values and emotive identification. All needed as a strong foundation for therapy and recovery from the Unseen Wounds of War. The interactive program is thoughtful, creative and a much needed tool for the veteran suffering in silence. Veterans can learn the skills they need to safely navigate their Combat PTSD in and outside the home.

A Warrior's Perspective on Honor

I received a request from Paul Allen, a Combat Veteran decorated with the Purple Heart to post a letter he has written. He states,

THE WARRIOR’S CODE OF HONOR

It was revised for the first and last time 11/6/09 on request from the CSRA Wounded Warrior Care Project, who's first step in giving care is to issue my Warrior’s Code to the wounded warrior. [The] CSRA Wounded Warrior Care Project of Augusta, GA says the Code drastically reduced the secret suicide rate before the revision, and now after the 11/6/09 two hundred word addition giving hope, I am told that it reduces the suicide rate even more.

Please read as it gives a powerful message to those who have fought and lived so that they may fight another day. From http://www.militarycodeofhonor.com/,

As a combat veteran wounded in one of America’s wars, I offer to speak for those who cannot.Were the mouths of my fallen front-line friends not stopped with dust, they would testify that life revolves around honor.

In war, it is understood that you give your word of honor to do your duty–that is–stand and fight instead of running away and deserting your friends. When you keep your word despite desperately desiring to flee the screaming hell all around, you earn honor.

Earning honor under fire changes who you are.The blast furnace of battle burns away impurities encrusting your soul.The white-hot forge of combat hammers you into a hardened, purified warrior willing to die rather than break your word to friends–your honor.

Combat is scary but exciting. You never feel so alive as when being shot at without result. You never feel so triumphant as when shooting back–with result. You never feel love so pure as that burned into your heart by friends willing to die to keep their word to you. And they do.

Read On as Paul delivers us his THE WARRIOR'S CODE...

A Combat Veteran Struggles with Leaving the Ethics of War Behind

Soldiers and veterans with full blown PTSD usually have low personal self-esteem, a self-constructed foundation of self-affirmations grounded in positive thought, word and deeds, reinforced through values and principles. Esteem manifests in an outward appearance of honor and moral mastery, integrity and humility as others would know a consistency of character established through words, deed and actions. Where all of these principles were meet and mastered in the field of battle they no longer apply to a civilian life or civil society.

The combat schema, a defined preconditioned set of beliefs and values enabling the warrior to navigate efficiently through the adversity of combat without a detailed consideration of consequences. To engage in a mortal fight with the enemy this schema spells out our actions in a given situation as being preoccupied with survivability of the moment can get you killed. The warrior with PTSD has grown accustomed to the value and belief systems of war and feels threatened when they become faced with having to let go of this security to reintegrate back into society.

Without a proper identification of values and a conceptualization of a solid schema we can become lost to the reality of a situation and possibly lose out on our interactions necessary for relationship building. Combat critically changes our value systems, mostly to the detriment of constructing and maintaining significant relationships with family and friends. A disconnect happens between the soldier or veteran that leaves everyone feeling as though an insurmountable wall has been erected.

By an identification of values, along with acknowledging and deconstructing the combat schema one could find the ability to critically analyze in the moment, the validity of said beliefs as required by situational reflection enabling readjustments and disallowing an inflexibility of position. An underpinning of empowering schema and a reevaluation of ethical morality allows one to find plasticity in the moment producing a positive self-efficacy; a confident and self-assured person.

A Solider's Conviction, Why We Fight

Another reposting to bring forth knowledge to those who wish to understand their combat veteran.

My war was in 1991, fought against a invading force foregoing a countries self-determination and rule. A soldier has to believe that their cause has been a just one. For without this belief, war has become an act of tyranny and we amount to mercenaries. King Khalid of Saudia Arabia offered our commander in chief to pay each American soldier in the Gulf War I $1500, he refused as he should have.

I was proud to have served a noble cause of restoring a countries rights, borders and sovereignty. I had been awake fighting for seven days straight without any sleep and was upset when the cease fire had been called. We had engaged in three hard fought campaigns against the Iraqi Republican Guard, Saddam's best armored forces. We had their remaining Division cut off from returning to Iraq in a low lying basin, both opposing forces within firing range.

As we looked upon each other in anticipation, with our trigger fingers itching, we knew that this would be a heavy fought battle with many casualties. Both sides in a bid for life within a surreal cloud of apprehension, waiting for the order to fire.

A soldiers conviction carries them through the inferno of warfare, for a cause linked in faith to higher principles better enables the mind to rest within its self-preservation mode. Engaged by the confidence that our presence will be felt and fueled through our fealty to freedom for everyone. In moments like this, time stands still and listens to the call of the soldiers communion with all and none.

To Buckle Under the Burden

A friend of mine sent this message to me on Facebook. It expounds an enlightenment on how our veterans fare from war and healing.

I'm setting up at VA last night and fixing to head back this morning. My best friends dad is in there very sick. I look into all these old soldiers and wonder why do we have to fight in war...put scars on our men that will never go away. I feel that the mental thing you all have went through is worse then any psychical trauma. I know your more religious then me so can you put (him) in your prayers. He is ready to meet his maker, but his kids and I are not.

I am sorry to hear about your friends dad. I love you my friend and hope that you and your friend find Gods loving embrace as you journey through the ritual of passing. Know the scars that we bare in our hearts and on our bodies were endured as a service to you, our community and nation. Your veteran is a testament to the resiliency of a people who give freely and embrace higher ideals with valor and an inner reserve that only God can fill.

The whole US should walk through their nearest VA and see what war does to the body, mind and soul. I go to the VA regularly and see the newest veterans from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I often see them in wheel chairs, in the waiting rooms or walking around with the scars of war visible or not from traumatic brain injury (TBI), amputations, PTSD, depression, and feeling that familiar tenseness in their bodies and mind.

One particular veteran I saw had no hair due to excessive scarring on his head that radically altered his appearance. He had a leg amputated which I had overlooked due to his healed head wounds. He was not interacting with anyone, just sitting in his wheelchair and looking off into space. His parents were there with him, he could not have been older than 21 or 22. I wondered what kind of life does this man have? Does he interact at all with his loved ones, and how does he do so?

Instantly I felt an immense sense of grief and almost buckled under the burden that he and his family carry. I only imagined the worst probably because of a bias that I carry in rememberance of our modern veterans. This rage I feel is in direct conflict with the pride I feel in me and our veterans; a cold raw anger and resentment of our government that has shattered our minds and bodies. I sense the pain of our modern disabled veterans and have thoughts that diminish my experiences or think that it should shrink my suffering. I love them and feel a kinship, a closeness that I have never experienced before, a connection to someone I have never met but know all to well.

Badges of Honor and Integrity

This post is a comment on a question from a post on April 26, 2009, if you want to see the comment click here if not read on.

I wear my memorabilia to display a remembrance of a past war, my war, the Gulf War.

I welcome an open hearted question on the significant of the symbols I wear today. I am at a point in my life where I recognize the anger and animosity felt within and take responsibility for it. By doing so I do not project it onto other people or make others accountable for it, the consequence being acceptance. Today I wear symbols of integrity and character, to remind me that I can achieve my goals even in the face of great adversity.

There was a time that I wore them for other reasons, to immortalize the guilt I still carry today. I left my guys over there, we killed literally thousands upon thousands of Iraqi soldiers, and finally the 30 soldiers that were trying to surrender. The insignias were my badges of guilt and shame, nothing that I wanted to share in a positive way.

When I wrote this piece I was reminded of the anger and rage I felt that encompassed my being and perspective. I was ready to explode and any excuse was the ember that could spark an inferno. I remember that a well formed question could offset this demeanor and open a reverence and grieving process whereby I could speak of the emotional pain. I was both of these people along with many others.

I see the wisdom in your response and accept it as a reminder that most people want to seek answers that only a combat veteran could expound upon. Today I honor this responsibility too speak on the reality of war and the devastating effects upon the person, family and community.

Societal Norms Implore Expected Public Behavior: Implications for Veterans & Soldiers

I cross posted my last article over at A Soldier's Perspective (a totally different site that I contribute on combat PTSD) and recieved this comment:

I'm generally not a stupid guy, so I've never done anything like that kid. I'm not trying to condone it either.

But I wonder; with military gear/paraphernalia so much in style amongst civilians these days(at least here in NYC), isn't there a legitimate question whether the wearer earned the badges or not? Keep in mind that civilians can't tell between a real one and a copy.

How do you guys feel about the fashion trend in general?

My response:

...I personally do not have anything against people wearing military style clothing.

I would say that yes, there is a legitimate question as to whether the wearer earned a badge, ribbon, etc.

I quote myself;

"If you see a person in public with military clothes on, a hat or something that signifies that they were in the military. Do yourself a favor and do not ask him or her about medals, badges, or any insignia they may have displayed right away, especially in a negative way. Tell them welcome home, and then gauge their reaction and if they want to talk to you they may open up some. But, do not take this as an invitation to ask personal information. Our military experiences have an extremely sacred and personal compartment in our minds and hearts that we place them in. Many of us do not even tell our wives, family or friends about what we did or saw."

Men or women who have been in combat generally do not want to talk about their experiences. To them it is a deeply personal part of their lives that they do not wish to share, especially someone they do not know. Combat and killing another human being is the most intimate act one can have with another human. Probably more so than making love to your significant other. Do you talk openly to someone you do not know if they ask you do you have sex with them? Obviously no, the question is taboo.

A societal norm is expected behavior when out in public, and talking about your sex life is generally looked down on in polite company, and especially rude to ask when in passing company. The same holds true to asking someone, probably more so, if they earned their decorations or if they killed anyone.

My message here is that it is rude and insensitive to the soldier or veteran to ask them if they earned their military decorations. Many of us combat veterans have an extremely difficult issue with trusting anyone, even loved ones who we fully felt fidelity before combat.

The answer to your question is that your question would better be left unsaid. If you truly want to talk to a veteran or soldier about their experiences, broach the subject in an empathetic way. First tell them "welcome home" this will probably bring their guard down somewhat. When we come home many of us feel as though we have returned to a foreign land, as though we do not belong anymore.

If you come upon someone you feel as though they may not own the right to wear military decorations. Consider this, we have young soldiers and veterans who are 18 and 19 that have been on multiple tours and have seen more combat than most other wars, including WWII.

Upwards of 90-94% of our troops in Iraq have been shot at, seen someone killed or have been in a combat situation. 68% have actually engaged the enemy where only 40% of the people who actually have the job description of combat arms or killing. In this war we have women fighting and killing the enemy, over 100 women have been killed in combat.

So, when you doubt if someone is old enough or "looks" as though they did not earn their awards. I would suggest to ask yourself these questions pondered here

Why a Combat Veteran or Soldier Does Not Have Patience

When a combat soldier or veteran exhibits little to no patience with family or society, he or she has been stripped of all the interpersonal intricacies that society thrives on. That which seems mundane and abhorrent to the combat veteran or soldier lubricates the interactions of civilization and serves to engage and breed closeness, familiarity and possibly the formation of trust by way of a gradual process of self-disclosure.

Through the proper revealing of information in a contextually rich environment; the person weighs the customs, personal values and boundaries against one another to assess whether or not they might seem compatible with others. If this seems so, then a person might incrementally reveal more of themselves after establishing a level of trust where common or shared revelations can lead to closer relations.

The Combat Values Theory I propose, has to do with a value structure that replaces or overrides our civilian values schema. They consist of primitive instinctual defensive mechanisms of survival and the disintegration of our inhibitions of taking a human life. Identity, cognitive dissonance, hindsight bias, attachment structures, memory and dissociation all have component features in trauma based disorders with evolutionary and cultural considerations. "The culture of combat veteran is formed by a shared experience, often traumatic and rooted in the work of soldiers" (Hobbs, 2008).

The combat veteran's or soldier's organization and structural dissociation of the personality has both defensive and survival motivated components governed by an "combat othering" internal values system. When a persons principles conflict with necessary actions to preserve life, the memories become encoded, an integral part of the combat self. The disconnection of idealized experiential meaning cordons off the memories and render them inaccessible to the conscious mind, but still influence unconsciousness through intrusive thoughts, emotions and sensory intrusions, due to the lack of integration leading to the structural dissociation personality. Decompressing and integration of compartmentalized memories could be the difference between a soldier or veteran becoming dissociative later.

Combat PTSD has its own sense of self, a survival system separate from the person and has a regulatory feature that intrudes upon the combat veteran or soldier relational interactions. An evolutionary defensive mechanism with purpose of get a person through survival situations and PTSD is like a button stuck on survival and when in combat or such, the person seems to be "normal" it is when they return from war that the problem becomes apparent.

The combat veteran's or soldier's value structure and sense of self have been fundamentally altered and do not match that of society. They have been conditioned to react to visual and auditory stimulus in the environment and to tune out that which poses no threat. Since societies interactions greatly differ from the combat zones, the combat veteran's or soldier's reality has been torn asunder by having been removed from the troop-organism. The closed circuitry of the troop-organism blocks out all attempts of interpersonal communication and interprets this function as an attempt to penetrate the boundaries of the now completely dysfunctional identity of the combat veteran or soldier.

Hobbs, K. (2008). Reflections on the culture of veterans. American Association of Occupational Health Nurses, 56(8), 337-341.

Mythical & Magical Components to Their Particular Pathology

I have to admit that upon reading the initial five pages of Saleebey's (1996) Power in the People, triggered in me the biases based within me. Having said that, I must plow forward to prevail upon my fellow students and faculty, my insights as they pertain to my having faced the same dilemmas detailed within.

To say that the "ascendancy of psychopathology" has harmed society, and results in the denunciation of traumatized persons, and the condemnation of persons living a life of recovery has in some way has protracted from their quality of life further convicts and restricts the pathological person. We have a deeper understanding of pathology and the root causes. Although we can become ridged interpreters of taxons and imprint our biases upon the client, we have need of the nomenclature and characterization of symptomology to better assess for possible treatments and remedies.

What we have to realize is that while some if not all of this information has merit, it only colors the tool of terminology. The delivery of such information has a more persuasive power than the mere words themselves. Our inflections and diction indicate to the client our personal biases, points of contention and stereotypical views.

The mentally ill, or truly pathological person feels "crazy" without an intuitive identifying and inclusive group. The experience of "craziness" makes the client feel outside of everything, themselves included. Not knowing what ails the individual gives a mythical almost magical component to their particular pathology. We who have a mental illness invent imaginary conceptions and without interventions sometimes we cannot know the difference between them and reality.

Educating the client to their condition places a categorical identification and particular brand of symptomology, thus dissipating the air of mystical and mythical proportions, whereby reducing the unseen and unknown into a manageable and treatable condition. Further, the person having a new understanding of their mental illness, now knows that they are not alone. They can identify with others who have similar thinking patterns and behavior, normalizing themselves and affording them an adoption of kinship as prescribed by a set of inclusive categorical criterion. A movement within the Internet and chat rooms prevail and assails the notion that we become less than when adopting a designation of mental illness, what we find is a world outside of ourselves where the inclination to alienate dominates.

When we assume our diction, as related to our usage of words carries the power to oppress, we ignore the more powerful point of contention within the elucidation of said word. The contrasts not only include the choice of words in speech or writing, but in the manor of pronouncing the inflections of language. Our attitudes, biases, and prejudices give the teeth to denounce, condemn through a wholly base rhetoric and appeals from the practitioner who has yet to come to terms with their personal stuck points within their lives.

Several veins of contention run through Saleebey (1996). Adopting a strictly focused and central theme without a wider eclectic enunciation, elicits our own dogma while dragging us down to the level of oppressor. "[M]utually crafted constructs....may have the power to transform....[have a] capacity to devise....on intuition, tacit knowing, hunches, and conceptual risk taking" (Saleebey, 1996, p. 7). Upon hitting the proverbial wall of self, when assigned the task of assessing another, we must be aware of the state of our self identifying conditions, as they can become the device of further harm to the client.

Without the deeper understanding of the "tools of the trade," or the "mutually crafted constructs" as it relates to their humanity considerations of the client we run the risk of becoming an unemphatic practitioner. Without identifying the client's strengths and values, our personal biases and stereotypes we will fail to see the clients as they truly present themselves. Without achieving a balance of client and personal self interest we may deem the individual deserving of their plight.

Soldiers Who Kill Can Become Imprisoned by Their Experiences

A Prisoner of My Beliefs
Soldiers and veterans with full blown PTSD usually have low personal self-esteem, a self-constructed foundation of self-affirmations grounded in positive thought, word and deeds, reinforced through values and principles. Esteem manifests in an outward appearance of honor and moral mastery, integrity and humility as others would know a consistency of character established through words, deed and actions. Where all of these principles were meet and mastered in the field of battle they no longer apply to a civilian life or civil society.

The combat schema, a defined preconditioned set of beliefs and values enabling the warrior to navigate efficiently through the adversity of combat without a detailed consideration of consequences. To engage in a mortal fight with the enemy this schema spells out our actions in a given situation as being preoccupied with survivability of the moment can get you killed. The warrior with PTSD has grown accustomed to the value and belief systems of war and feels threatened when they become faced with having to let go of this security to reintegrate back into society.

Without a proper identification of values and a conceptualization of a solid schema we can become lost to the reality of a situation and possibly lose out on our interactions necessary for relationship building. Combat critically changes our value systems, mostly to the detriment of constructing and maintaining significant relationships with family and friends. A disconnect happens between the soldier or veteran that leaves everyone feeling as though an insurmountable wall has been erected.

By an identification of values, along with acknowledging and deconstructing the combat schema one could find the ability to critically analyze in the moment, the validity of said beliefs as required by situational reflection enabling readjustments and disallowing an inflexibility of position. An underpinning of empowering schema and a reevaluation of ethical morality allows one to find plasticity in the moment producing a positive self-efficacy; a confident and self-assured person.

Dissociation in Military PTSD

The term shadow persona refers to that part of the individual we deny yet that commands great influence over our behavior while projecting responsibility onto stimuli in the environment or other persons. The haziness of this lack of fully identifying with self can be discerned, it takes time and commitment to overcome our natural defensive mechanisms that have been etched into the mind stemming from great pain.

In this way it overshadowed my true nature, as if I was a passenger in the vehicle that was my body being driven by a conductor. Seemingly my senses and body would hijack my mind and I could only be a witness looking out as I reflexively reacted to apparent hostility and a viral environment. For me it was more of a forward frontal facade that forcefully identified me more so than conversely while surrendering my personal power.

I still feel its presence, today that part of me truly has become a shadow as I have integrated it into my being and personality. In that way it has less power over me compared to when it dominated my worldview by denying that it existed. By claiming this shadow persona I reclaim its capitalization of my faculties and effectuate my assertions of choice, instead of hiding within the silhouette of my soul and vanquishing determinative values and principles.

God intended for us to claim our being through the humility of practicing principles and integrity, both moral imperatives toward communion with humanity. By doing so we break the hold of our subconscious mind controlling our thoughts, feelings and actions. Reach out and go forth to claim all that you are and will become, in doing so you will control the consequences of your actions and gain a new freedom never before experienced.

Combat Veterans and Institutions: A Systems Analysis

Returning Combat Veterans (RCV), have a difficult time reintegrating back into society and life within their family. They deal with a myriad of symptoms combining to hinder the RCV from coping in the civilian world, while having constructive relationships with their family and friends. The lack of psychological education and training while in the military poorly prepares the soldier for the horrors of war and the negative effects on mental functioning. Further compounding the problems for the RCV upon their return they encounter limited services and a Veterans Administration (VA) system more in tune with economics and regulations then providing best outcomes. The scope of this paper explains these concerns as they relate to the competition between veterans seeking help and a system geared toward a macro structural functionalist model that concentrates on peripheral wide applications. A deeper apprehension and awareness has to come forward for our veterans to get the help they need.

The problem between bureaucracies, the combat veteran and their family receiving help lies with the systems application of dynamic systems theory to address problems that require a more interactive ideology such as the ecological systems approach. The main criticism of systems theory treats the person as a machine or something that can be “fixed” lies central to the VA’s approach (Robbins, S.P., Pranab, C., Canda, E. R., pps. 28-47). The models and programs stemming from government to redress RCV issues fail to take into account the magnitude of their problems that extend beyond the medical model and psychological paradigm. The attempt by the VA to apply a blanket policy of treatment on all veterans who face problems such as the affects of psychological trauma in combat has failed.

The military way of life provides strong attachments through a communal approach to every aspect of interactions between soldiers and their families, whether through a support network for the spouse of a soldier to help one another, or to the training of our troops. Developing and enveloping the individual perspectives while opening them to a cohesive togetherness usually not felt before enlisting in the armed services. Now add in a military conflagration and this level of interpersonal commitment and associations become welded to each other’s identity (Lee, 2008f). By educating the soldiers on how personal bonds can be broken by combat and the importance of redeveloping connections with significant others could lessen the mental shock upon returning home.

While many physical features of the RCV may have changed, the deleterious effects of Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) leave nothing the same and completely alter the landscape of the mind. “Taking another's life in the name of freedom, patriotism and because of your job description profoundly changes the person.” (Lee, 2008a, para. 2) Their whole existence has been transformed by the experience of killing; the morality of war trumps the niceties of society and lends the RCV to a reflexive reactionary response to the environment. The enormous adaptive impositions caused by combat disposes of coping and social skills, personal values, cognitive development, definitions of boundaries, stress management, and appropriate responses to environmental stimuli. All of these issues combine to challenge the RCV’s reintegration back into society, “…the environment, which is physical and social…can either support or fail to support the adaptive achievements of autonomy, competence, identity formation, and relatedness to others” (Robbins, 35).

Value identifications have importance to the combat veteran with PTSD, as their value system has been compromised by the acts of killing and war. The values and morality of war greatly conflict with society’s norms and principles. When the combat veteran brings this survival perspective home with them it alienates them from everyone who has not experienced combat, war and or trauma. Combat changes and alters the soldier’s sense of importance and trivializes niceties that lubricate society’s interactions and exchanges. Without identifying what values the veteran or soldier deems important they will continue to operate from the old combat values set and wonder why people [fail to] understand them (Lee 2008c, para. 3).

Soldiers in combat develop a powerful attachment to one another; the strength of this symbiotic bonding overshadows all others, even family. First of all the degree of familiarity and closeness that extreme survival situations such as combat, brings people together to a height one has never experienced before. People have an instinctual need to feel a belonging such as in a herd where they feel safe. This “herdness” has supplanted all other attachments while people they once knew intimately have become foreign and strange. The family, friends and soldier feel this estrangement and all involved become unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Family and friends cannot understand what the RCV has been through, so the soldier or veteran seeks other survivors who do (Lee, 2008e).

The militaristic concentration on rituals of drilling and killing so that one becomes a more efficient “terminator” through automatic reflexive responses to survival, leads the veteran prone to using violent behavior in any given situation where boundaries have been crossed. The open system dynamics of “normal” interaction has become highly dysfunctional for the RCV who has lost their “goodness of fit” within their home environment. The breakdown of a unifying suprasystem interferes with the holistic dimensions of the veteran, increasing the separation and antagonizing the loss of identity that humans claim from associations within their communities. Without an understanding of boundary maintenance the RCV often develops a feeling of being attacked at home and in their community due to their inability to adapt to the fluidity of boundaries inherent with socialization.

Ehrenreich (2003) seeks to advance an understanding of “social traumas” where, …[i]n the context of physical devastation, massive social displacement, and ongoing violence, the hierarchy of need reasserts itself: concrete needs for, health care, housing, and jobs, the need for social reconstruction and reintegration, and the necessity of social reconciliation may dwarf individual emotional needs.

The identification and reinforcement of values, emotion identification, and anger management techniques along with stress management training would enable soldiers to realize better coping strategies when coming out of the combat zone. Further, interpersonal communication and social skills education along with boundaries identification would foster closer relationships with significant others (Lee, 2008d). Further on the topic of values and principles, these systems have a connection to feelings and emotions or the lack thereof with one who dissociates as most RCVs and complex-PTSD sufferers do. Emotions and feelings are the arbiters of values, principles, and morality; the ethical dilemmas that keep most people in check can get bypassed with a combat veteran’s lack of affect. A normal reaction with a non-traumatized brain would trigger an emotive response cascading into consideration of appropriate responses. The higher level processes of cognitive interaction delve into a consideration of choices and consequences, whereas the traumatized brain operates from the lower base of primitive survival systems and defensive mechanisms forgoing the thought of repercussions (Lee, 2008c).

The subsystem of a combat squad having experienced several fire fights develops a sense of oneness with each other; they have become an independent ecosystem; one organism through the forging process of fight or flight. Due to the nature of killing and survival their emotionality has become severed from their environment and channeled into the solidarity that soldiering brings. If one of them gets wounded or killed they all feel it through their connection of unity and common goal of survival (Lee 2008d). Bonding through blood and battle takes the soldier to a new level of raw humanism forged through survival and fight or flight defensive mechanisms. The psychology of killing alters the terrain of the mind disabling the rational machinery and enabling the ancient reflexive responsive unconscious (Lee, 2008f).

The focus on killing without contemplating consequences severs the RCVs ritual of connection to community, family, and wholeness resulting in deviant adaptations. Their formative connections have remained back in the field of combat and killing, where they left part of themselves with their buddies who have yet to come home while carrying the guilt of leaving them behind. They feel that egoistic “warrior archetype” connection with the military and the battle buddy who had their back in the combat zone. In this mind frame when the veteran comes home; they become lost in a world that no longer makes sense to them due to adaptive process of bypassing the five senses and emotional attachment to considerations of interactions. The hard wiring of the combat veterans mind acts as if their life depends on the ritualism of defensive hyper-vigilance and keeps the RCV stuck in a malposition (Lee, 2008b).

When combat takes away the soldier who has became the centerpiece of an intimate community it breaks down. Whether he has been buried or she has become a prisoner of her own mind; war fractures the body, mind, spirit and the community that once knew cohesion (Lee, 2008f). Some soldiers will long for that interconnectedness left in the field when they came home and reenlist or volunteer for another tour. Many soldiers find that their PTSD symptoms dissipate or vanish while back in the theater of combat, they have reentered the realm of survival, fight or flight and oneness with soldiering (Lee, 2008e).

The troops who do make it out of the theater of combat have been changed in body and mind. They have lost substantial parts of their mind, soul and community. Psychological trauma devastates the battle buddy, spouse, and children while splintering everything that once was the bedrock of the American Soldier (Lee, 2008f). In addition the military needs to teach mental health sensitivity training and PTSD awareness as a standard, in basic training and continuing throughout their careers thus giving mental injuries of war validity. Training in these areas would give our soldiers an extra set of tools and weapons in fighting the psychological effects of combat and war. Educating them before hand of what they may face upon going home would prepare them if they develop PTSD. Otherwise they will have gained the insights and ability to recognize when their fellow soldier suffers from PTSD (Lee, 2008d).

References
Ehrenreich, J. H., (2003). Understanding PTSD: forgetting trauma. Journal of Social Issues, 3 (1) 15-28.

Lee, S. (2008a, July 13). Forgive me. PTSD, a soldier’s perspective. Retrieved from http://ptsdasoldiersperspective.blogspot.com/2008/07/forgive-me.html

Lee, S (2008b, July 20). My first email response. PTSD, a soldier’s perspective. Retrieved from http://ptsdasoldiersperspective.blogspot.com/2008/07/my-first-e-mail-response.html

Lee, S. (2008c, August 22). Thoughts feelings and behavior. PTSD, a soldier’s perspective. Retrieved from http://ptsdasoldiersperspective.blogspot.com/2008/08/thoughts-eelings-and-actions.html

Lee, S. (2008d, September 5). Fully train our soldiers for the rigors of war. PTSD, a soldier’s perspective. Retrieved from http://ptsdasoldiersperspective.blogspot.com/2008/09/fully-train-our-soldiers-for-rigors-of.html

Lee, S. (2008e, September 6). Soldiers in combat develop powerful attachments to one another. PTSD, a soldier’s perspective. Retrieved from http://ptsdasoldiersperspective.blogspot.com/2008/09/soldiers-in-combat-develop-powerful.html

Lee, S. (2008f, September 14). Lower recruitment standards contributing to military suicide rates. PTSD, a soldier's perspective. Retrieved from http://ptsdasoldiersperspective.blogspot.com/2008/09/lower-recruitment-standards.html

Robbins, S. P., Pranab, C. and Canda, E. R. (2006). Contemporary human behavior theory: a critical perspective for social work. Boston: Pearson Education.

Fully Train our Soldiers for the Rigors of War

In the military, especially in combat arms the training centers on becoming effective warriors without a concentration in developing into a full identity and individual, a requirement for reintegration back into society. In a battle with no solid enemy and no apparent battleground the warrior having been trained to combat the physical comes in contact with a foe that can over shadow the imagination.

The identification and reinforcement of values, emotion identification, anger management techniques along with stress management training would enable soldiers to realize better coping strategies when coming out of the combat zone. Further, interpersonal communication and social skills education along with boundaries identification would foster closer relationships with significant others.

By preparing the soldier or veteran they would have the necessary skills and tools to deal with the normal psychological adjustment of combat trauma and reintegration back into society. Also the person would have a proper foundation to treatment should they develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

In addition the military needs to teach mental health sensitivity training and PTSD awareness as a standard, in basic training and continuing throughout their careers thus giving mental injuries of war validity. Indoctrination and acceptance of psychological wounds would eventually break the stigma tied to mental trauma and allow soldiers and veterans to reach out before their lives spin out of control.

Training in these areas would give our soldiers an extra set of tools and weapons in fighting the psychological effects of combat and war. Training them before hand of what they may face upon going home would prepare them if they develop PTSD. Otherwise they will have gained the insights and ability to recognize when their fellow soldier suffers from PTSD.

As it stands now upon returning home after having been gone from family and loved ones the soldier goes through a psychological evaluation screening. Our soldiers know full well that if they give the wrong answers upon returning from Iraq and Afghanistan they will be kept from seeing their loved ones sooner. They have more incentive to ignore or commit to denial the signs of mental distress inherent in the actions of combat. This system compounds the problems of PTSD instead of addressing them, by reinforcing and legitimizing excuses and reasons to drive on without asking for help.

Finally, most Vietnam Veterans exhibited signs of PTSD years after coming home. Although I exhibited signs within the first year, it was 10-14 years before my PTSD became debilitating.

A Soldiers Conviction

My war was in 1991, fought against a invading force foregoing a countries self-determination and rule. A soldier has to believe that their cause has been a just one. For without this belief, war has become an act of tyranny and we amount to mercenaries. King Khalid of Saudi Arabia offered our commander in chief to pay each American soldier in the Gulf War I $1500, he refused as he should have.

I was proud to have served a noble cause of restoring a countries rights, borders and sovereignty. I had been awake fighting for seven days straight without any sleep and was upset when the cease fire had been called. We had engaged in three hard fought campaigns against the Iraqi Republican Guard, Saddam's best armored forces. We had their remaining Division cut off from returning to Iraq in a low lying basin, both opposing forces within firing range.

As we looked upon each other in anticipation, with our trigger fingers itching, we knew that this would be a heavy fought battle with many casualties. Both sides in a bid for life within a surreal cloud of apprehension, waiting for the order to fire.

A soldiers conviction carries them through the inferno of warfare, for a cause linked in faith to higher principles better enables the mind to rest within its self-preservation mode. Engaged by the confidence that our presence will be felt and fueled through our fealty to freedom for everyone. In moments like this, time stands still and listens to the call of the soldiers communion with all and none.

A Combat Veterans Reflects on his Thoughts, Feelings and Behavior

I would tell PTSD suffers to begin with these three things and keep them in mind if they want to make changes in their life. Thoughts, feelings and behavior (TFB). Today, the only thing you can change is your behavior, by changing your behavior over time you can change your thoughts and your feelings. The three basics incorporate values and emotion identification.

Further on the topic of the combat veteran’s value and principles, these systems have a connection to feelings and emotions or the lack thereof with one who dissociates as most PTSD sufferers do. Emotions and feelings are the arbiters of values, principles, and morality. Without emotive interaction the ethical dilemmas that keep most people in check, can get bypassed with a combat veteran’s lack of affect. The higher level processes of cognitive interaction delve into a consideration of choices and consequences, whereas the traumatized brain operates from the lower base of primitive survival systems and defensive mechanisms. A normal reaction with a non-traumatized brain would trigger an emotive response cascading into consideration of an appropriate response. Where the traumatized brain engages the primitive portion of the mind into a reflexive response forgoing the thought of repercussions.

Value identifications has importance to the combat veteran with PTSD, as their value system have been compromised by the acts of killing and war. The values and morality of war greatly conflict with society’s norms and principles. When the combat veteran brings this survival perspective home with them it alienates them from everyone who has not experienced combat, war and or trauma. Combat changes and alters the soldier’s sense of importance and trivializes niceties that lubricate society’s interactions and exchanges. Without identifying what values the veteran or soldier deems important they will continue to operate from the old combat values set and wonder why people do not understand them. While some will find themselves on the wrong side of the law.

Normal or average ways of dealing with stress before combat usually and generally was sufficient to interact in society and with family. Now that the veteran has an exaggerated anxiety and stress reflex they have become susceptible to stressors that before would not have set them off and the old coping skills have become less successful. Stress reduction has become paramount for the combat veterans healing and moving beyond the fringes of insanity.

Without the combat veterans clarification of values and identification of emotions they do not take responsibility for either prior to consequences, leaving them baffled as to how they arrived in their current calamity. They cannot change the way they think or feel today, but by paying attention to their thoughts, feelings and emotions they can gauge an appropriate reaction and behavior. By changing their actions today, they can change their thoughts and feelings over time.

Warrior Archetype

The military trains us to believe in self sufficiency in all matters other than survival in terms of combat. You know the ad on TV that says an "Army of one". As much as they drill team work on a firing squad, movement, and never leave a buddy; they also instill this facade of invincibility.

The majority of soldiers in the military reside at the level of ego development, where a good dose of identifying emotions and empathy would help negate the aggressive side that young men feel (Sugar, 279-283). In primitive cultures, rituals help identify the aggression and integrate this "warrior archetype" into the complete person. Usually along the way an elder mentors them and helps identify the emotions and differing parts of the psyche while instilling an integration of the differing selfs, mother earth, community and spirituality.

In the military the ritual of drilling and killing concentrates on becoming an automatic reflexive response to aggression and survival. My point, the focus of killing without learning how to deal and cope after they go home leaves the returning veteran aimless and without a ritual of connection to community, family, and wholeness. Their formative associations have been left back in the field of combat and killing, where they have left part of themselves with the ones not going home and take with them the guilt of leaving.

They feel the egoistic interconnectedness with the military, the "warrior archetype" and the battle buddy who has been left back in the combat zone rather than with significant others upon returning. In this mind frame when the veteran goes home they become lost in a world that no longer makes sense as they have been taught not to process the five senses and emotional attachment imperative to social interaction. The combat veterans mind acts as if their life depends on a reactionary environment incompatible with the development of long lasting relationships (Sugar, 287). How do I live in regular society if I am stuck in this malposition?

Young combat veterans coming out of the military may need help with accessing and identifying their intrinsic values and principles and the process of reintegrating back into society and reestablishing their new roles.