False Hope and the Combat Veteran in Crisis

False hope for a Combat PTSD Veteran can kill us ~ Combat PTSD Blogger

A Soldier's Expectations of Coming Home: The Trap of Flawless Execution

Image via Wikipedia

Hell, I made it through combat, going home will be a cakewalk (most soldiers and families).

In combat we have this fantasy of coming home and how if we can just get home then everything will be perfect, beware of expectations in ourselves and others for they can become the trap of flawless execution (TFE). To get past this razor edged pattern of thinking we must recognize it for what it is; our warrior values and operating system require us to become convinced of our invincibility. In combat the TFE would kill most enemies, but when we fall into this pattern of thinking back home we become dysfunctional and disorganized both in spirit and mind. When we come home we must purge our souls of the terror and horror of war, and when we have not been educated in the process we can run the risk of hurting ourselves or others.

We become so fixated in expectations that they change our perception of one another; the expectations become the focus of interest instead of a holistic meeting of one another where we are. A wise woman from Fort Knox Kentucky just recently told me, "Communication and education are key." A little bit of my Kentucky wit,

We must enter a rigid state of mind to enter into bliss, but to remain so this too we must let go (Scott Lee).

Quote Me

We are all conquered men in the eyes of God~~Scott A. Lee

Societal Norms Implore Expected Public Behavior: Implications for Veterans & Soldiers

I cross posted my last article over at A Soldier's Perspective (a totally different site that I contribute on combat PTSD) and recieved this comment:

I'm generally not a stupid guy, so I've never done anything like that kid. I'm not trying to condone it either.

But I wonder; with military gear/paraphernalia so much in style amongst civilians these days(at least here in NYC), isn't there a legitimate question whether the wearer earned the badges or not? Keep in mind that civilians can't tell between a real one and a copy.

How do you guys feel about the fashion trend in general?

My response:

...I personally do not have anything against people wearing military style clothing.

I would say that yes, there is a legitimate question as to whether the wearer earned a badge, ribbon, etc.

I quote myself;

"If you see a person in public with military clothes on, a hat or something that signifies that they were in the military. Do yourself a favor and do not ask him or her about medals, badges, or any insignia they may have displayed right away, especially in a negative way. Tell them welcome home, and then gauge their reaction and if they want to talk to you they may open up some. But, do not take this as an invitation to ask personal information. Our military experiences have an extremely sacred and personal compartment in our minds and hearts that we place them in. Many of us do not even tell our wives, family or friends about what we did or saw."

Men or women who have been in combat generally do not want to talk about their experiences. To them it is a deeply personal part of their lives that they do not wish to share, especially someone they do not know. Combat and killing another human being is the most intimate act one can have with another human. Probably more so than making love to your significant other. Do you talk openly to someone you do not know if they ask you do you have sex with them? Obviously no, the question is taboo.

A societal norm is expected behavior when out in public, and talking about your sex life is generally looked down on in polite company, and especially rude to ask when in passing company. The same holds true to asking someone, probably more so, if they earned their decorations or if they killed anyone.

My message here is that it is rude and insensitive to the soldier or veteran to ask them if they earned their military decorations. Many of us combat veterans have an extremely difficult issue with trusting anyone, even loved ones who we fully felt fidelity before combat.

The answer to your question is that your question would better be left unsaid. If you truly want to talk to a veteran or soldier about their experiences, broach the subject in an empathetic way. First tell them "welcome home" this will probably bring their guard down somewhat. When we come home many of us feel as though we have returned to a foreign land, as though we do not belong anymore.

If you come upon someone you feel as though they may not own the right to wear military decorations. Consider this, we have young soldiers and veterans who are 18 and 19 that have been on multiple tours and have seen more combat than most other wars, including WWII.

Upwards of 90-94% of our troops in Iraq have been shot at, seen someone killed or have been in a combat situation. 68% have actually engaged the enemy where only 40% of the people who actually have the job description of combat arms or killing. In this war we have women fighting and killing the enemy, over 100 women have been killed in combat.

So, when you doubt if someone is old enough or "looks" as though they did not earn their awards. I would suggest to ask yourself these questions pondered here

Signed Sealed and Delivered Packages of Quotable Quotes

Digressions diluted diligently. This to you can Quote me on. I kind of feel a bit like, somewhere in me, I am well. Narcissistic? I have been told that this may be part of the traumatic responses and defenses. Did you buy that?

Long after the war ends, the battle still rages (Veterans and Problems With Attachments to Significant Others).

We live in a world society that dissects everything into an dichotomous orgy of categorical righteous indignation (To Ignore Our Humanity is Deal in Death and Destruction).

I am here to tell you, the guy who stabbed me in the throat was trying to kill me (More about me and other digressions).

In the mix, blood pounds through the veins and I received a powerful sense of completeness that I still chase today (We Cannot Make it Through the Confines of Our Minds Without the Help of Others).

In loosing my attachment to the troop-organism, I unconsciously reformed that attachment on the one thing that I could take home with me, my guilt (I Was The Driver, On Point For The Division, So I Saw It All).

Thinking patterns and processes underlying our everyday activities and greatly influence our beliefs and emotional states. If we cannot examine them we will be led by them (Dedicated Soldiers, Combat Values and the Shattering of a Mind).

…read further into my blog you just might find some understanding and compassion for the broken spirited warriors who were not lost in battle but destroyed in mind (Leave Judgment at the Door Upon Entering).

Hey, You Can Quote Me On That

More teasers and words that pour out of my twisted mind, enjoy.

Esteem manifests in an outward appearance of honor and moral mastery, integrity and humility as others would know a consistency of character established through words, deed and actions (A Prisoner of My Beliefs).

My older brother was on the 33rd floor of the towers….We watched the TV frozen, numb and praying against all odds (9-11, A Day I Will Never Forget).

In combat this defensive mechanism, or "tool of death", works well and allows a device within the person to eradicate the enemy who has been assigned a wholly less than human label of demon, enabling denial of the "killer" in us and identifying the burden of blame on its adversary as due adjudication (Soldier's Heart, the Swiss Army Knife of Death).

The concentric circles of influence radiate outward while becoming increasingly formal and incrementally lacking of freely given trust….while out of necessity the body becomes separated and fixated to the immediate arena of kill or be killed. The mind resets the linkage of attachments from the ruble of comfort, contentedness and connectedness to the raging fight for life (Personal Attachments, Before and After Combat).

For me it was more of a forward frontal facade that forcefully identified me more so than conversely while surrendering my personal power (Shadow Persona).

They are not proud of the things they will share with you, do not tell them that you are proud of them in these moments for this is a judgment. Deep down they know it is not their fault, this to is a judgment…Tell them soothing things that a mother would tell her son or daughter when he or she comes running home and crying.…There, there, it’s ok, it’s ok… (What To Say To Your Soldier or Veterans Who Confesses Their Sins of War).

We consider ourselves to be the lucky ones who have somehow learned to suppress that part of the night, where the unlucky of us find the terrors of the dark as they can no longer fight these enemies who have no feel or flight (PTSD, boundaries and a Welcome Home).

Quotes From Within

Welcome home. This blog is a collection of military soldiers, veterans and caregivers stories. Our contributors write about living with Military PTSD, MST and TBI in the context of Post-traumatic Growth and trauma telling. It started with the founder Scott Lee, a Gulf War veteran, blogger, freelance writer and advocate for Military PTSD awareness. He battled his feelings of helplessness and started writing to reach out to connect with others.

The passages below are from some of his past articles rich in metaphors and descriptive language to attempt to bridge the gap in understanding.


"Imagine knowing something about yourself more than you know anything, and at the same time knowing how unreal it is. This part of you has such a hold on you, that you cannot for the life of yourself feel its grasp until it is too late, then it has you and you are no longer yourself. Imagine a watery consciousness slipping away and thinking who was that? And, you already know the answer, as it dissipates like smoke on the wind. In that moment of realization comes the instantaneous realization of your being, slipping away" Would You Like to Forget The Biggest Most Influential Part of Your Life?

"There is disconnection between everything human and what has to be done in combat. Imagine being in an unimaginable situation and having to do the unthinkable." Honor The Soldier, Betray The Veteran

"PTSD is not only about personal protection or self preservation but in its essence a mechanism of such endeavors, thus becoming a self-perpetual entity in of itself. Almost as if it has become self-aware and not only will it steer me away from danger, but also away from its own demise; a seemingly serendipitous supra-intelligent guidance of the subconscious."

"Seemingly my senses and body would hijack my mind and I could only be a witness looking out as I reflexively reacted to apparent hostility." A Suggested Guide to PTSD Management, comment section

"That part of us summoned by the heat of anger and the fire of rage and shuts down all thinking and rationalizing to do the deed, the dance of death."

"I was flippant, arrogant and unable to quantify your sarcastic attempts to inform me of your slighted facade." Facades do clash

"A small combat squad that has experienced several fire fights develops a sense of oneness with each other, they have become one organism through the forging process of fight or flight." Soldiers in Combat Develop Powerful Attachments to One Another

"Bonding through blood and battle takes the soldier to a whole new level of raw humanism forged through survival and fight or flight defensive mechanisms. The psychology of killing alters the terrain of the mind disabling the rational machinery and enabling the ancient reflexive responsive unconscious." Lower Recruitment Standards Contributing to Military Suicide Rates

"We send our soldiers to war for our freedom and then lock them up when they are broken and of no use anymore." Suggested Guide to Help Your Veteran or Soldier Diagnosed With PTSD and Charged With a Crime

"During times of great turmoil and adversity such as a loved one struggling and succumbing to the ravishing effects of PTSD, this will release devastating effects on the person and sometimes can reap outrageous and deleterious consequences to others." Self Care Contingencies For The Loved Ones of Incarcerated Veterans and Soldiers

More Quotes You Can Quote Me On

The deep fractured fissures of the traumatic subjugated mind lay unrest. A coiled wrath waiting seemingly without care to unleash on what may not be there. Reacting without interacting racing and straining the rigors of rationalities foregoing the fulcrum of lucidity and stupidity. Reacting without reason the reflexive trigger rigorously ripping tripping and stripping the underneath (Father Has Passed as Has the Past).

Survival depends on a reactionary responsive reflex, a instantaneous engagement of life threatening situations (No Offense to Our Veterans?).

With the unprecedented levels of sustained combat and extended multiple tours our veterans will be facing the crippling effects of PTSD with their families as well as the public with generational consequences (Mental Health Field Unprepared for Epidemic of PTSD).

It was surreal, beautiful, terrifying, the most intense fireworks I had ever seen filling the entire sky illuminating the battlefield, I was in awe. It felt like I was one with the universe, out among the everything, feeling all and knowing all. I heard over the distance of what seemed like eternity, "Move out" (Dissociative Fugues).

Now that being said, I know a guy that did 5 tours in Vietnam which was uncommon, most soldiers did their two years and the ones that survived went home (Iraqi War Mental Health Epidemic).

I kept thinking of killing myself for 15 years or so, driving off the road, instigating fights, fingering my gun and imaging the relief I would feel if I just pulled the trigger (Never Give in to the Enemy).

A fight, it didn't matter who, what, when or where, just give me that respite despite the spite. I kept plunging deeper dredging in demoralization stumbling into madness seeing only with my corrupted sight (Vision of Unrest).

So, I go forward because my balance depends on foiling the fall backwards. OK, OK stop it!…My mind goes into these circles of creativity circulating the circumference of creation (Responsibilities, Relationships, Compulsions and Convictions).

In his last speech Dr. King talked of the threats against his life, without saying the words he found forgiveness for his fellow brother who snuffed his life (Dr. King’s Light and My Emergence).

In a battle with no solid enemy and no apparent battleground the warrior having been trained to combat the physical comes in contact with a foe that can over shadow the imagination (PTSD, Combat and the Guilt of a Nation Mediated by the Media’s Lip Service).

Some Quotes and Passages From Previous Postings

I have compiled some clips from past articles to expose you to some of my writings with links in the highlighted text. I will be posting more snippets over the next week or so. I hope you will find some inspiration and more insights into he mind of a combat veteran.

Their formative associations have been left back in the field of combat and killing, where they have left part of themselves with the ones not going home and take with them the guilt of leaving (Warrior Archetype).

As we looked upon each other in anticipation, with our trigger fingers itching, we knew that this would be a heavy fought battle with many casualties. Both sides in a bid for life within a surreal cloud of apprehension, waiting for the order to fire (A Soldiers Conviction).

Later in the next day we received an account of the engagement. A brigade of foot soldiers had been trying to surrender and we killed them (Are You Saying That You Killed People in Cold Blood?).

My self discussion dribbles on about we, our, them and I as it were a fight for me (Searing Images Sheaving Surreally).

PTSD is a life-long endeavor…The triggering traumatic….The mind has been rewired….converts the fight or flight response in the primitive portion of our brain. Imagine having that scared feeling…the adrenalin rush, the mind racing, heightened senses, and the hyper response reflex to react without thinking (Experiencing PTSD).

This cognitive binding can be triggered by situations that require emotional response, trusting issues, and really just about anything that requires thinking (Zoning Out).

…the heavily imprinted traumatic axonal entrenchment supersedes conscious thinking processes and the mind seeks behavior reminiscent of the initial trauma. The hyper states of PTSD once engaged result in the continuation of the dominate neurological processes (Battling PTSD).

Dissociation is a tightly woven boundary around the Id, keeping out emotions and people by placing concentric circles within reach and without access (Feeling Dissociative?).

Today, the only thing you can change is your behavior, by changing your behavior over time you can change your thoughts and your feelings (Thoughts, Feelings & Behavior).

We spread our light into their darkness to evoke that which envelops the tormented spirit with sparks that spread like wildfire (One Small Candle).