I never realized until later how I had offended you the many times that I did, I honestly was ignorant of my causing you to lose face in front of people you had grown up with. I see now the symbolism lost to both of us in the moment, by your attacking me when you perceived an honorable way to recover your lost esteem. I was flippant, arrogant and unable to quantify your sarcastic attempts to inform me of your slighted facade. Facades do clash.
Today I see how you interpreted my willingness to jest with you as a sign of disrespect, for I have been educated in the ways of jousting by seeming immortals of the sport. My pretense in the way that I carried myself during this time was in the order of a knight ready for battle.
I was thinking of how at one time that I felt it unjust for the punishment that you received for nearly taking my life, these thoughts led to me writing these words. I was thinking how you had to use your house for a property bond and the fear you must have felt to possibly loose your new home you labored mightily for. I likened this intense apprehension to the immense anxiety I felt after having been triggered into another compartmentalized Post Traumatic Stress Disorder psychosis. Although one more weighty than the other we both received our consequences from the ordeal.
I realized today that I had confused my pride for integrity which lead to infamous righteousness indignation. I have told many people how our actions combined to provoke a change in my life and credit you for bringing about my willingness to transmute everything about me that I found lacking.
None of this is an excuse for his behavior, but a foray into my behavior and an understanding of my actions. Thinking patterns and processes underlying our everyday activities are greatly influenced by our beliefs and emotional state. If we cannot examine them we will be led by them.
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