Veteran on the Edge

This post is inspired by reading Patience Mason's PTSD Blog about her new book idea. She asks, "Reality is that most people who come back from war, or survive another trauma, are not fine, so if that might fit you, here are some questions to think about: How or why might you be fucked up?"

Dear Joe Public,

I would doubt you were in the military or a veteran if you could not recite two or more times a curious and insensitive clod trampled through your trauma to relive his boyhood romanticized thriller of the military life.

For the insensitive thinking that leads a stranger to ask intimate questions, and then discount my story because it does not match the official narrative. Even though most know the television and government lies about everything.

I am not fine. Why the fuck would you expect me to be? Because my war was a little war and does not matter? I hear this all too often, recently and even from veterans.

I am angry and full of rage when not numb or heavily medicated. Hear my witness, in three days my brigade killed over 24,000 Iraqi soldiers under the Desert Storm.

When I got home the idiot box repeaters called me a liar further altering people's perceptions of me as unstable. Caregivers know the safest people in the world are standing next to veterans with PTSD.

When I got home it took filing seven times with the Veterans Administration to get a 0% service connected rating for hearing loss.

In 2005 unchecked PTSD led me to get stabbed in the face and precipitated a crisis. Hospitalized for two weeks in psychic ward and then transferred to a two-year intensive treatment center for veterans.

It took the ninth case, to get a 30% rating for PTSD. Without the support from the treatment center I would not be alive or have a stable life.

Fast forward past the bouts of homelessness, and over 12 hospitalizations for suicidal ideation, in 2007 and the eleventh case, I was finally awarded an 80% service connection for PTSD, hearing loss and tinnitus. Which seriously exacerbates PTSD and infuses the flashbacks and hallucinations with sound, when I am doing deaf.

Do not ever forget. I participated and witnessed in a massacre. For I cannot. My mother shared stories of our great-great grandmother walking the Trail of Tears as a child. I now know her level of sorrow, a lost Cherokee of an unknown clan, branded with genocide where the past meets the present.

Today, if I make perfect financial decisions every month I can barely get by. But, I am not only human and prone to the same mistakes and stresses everyone faces. That is a base for a veteran with combat PTSD, MST and TBI, welcome to our good day. Now heap on hyperstress and crippling anxiety that literally makes your skin crawl. Welcome to our good day. For a great day, heap on cannabis. I don't make enough money to have that the whole month though.

Why the fuck would I shoot bullet eyes when you ask, "Are you okay?" No, I am on the edge. Are you ready to listen?

I Feel Both Grateful and Guilty to be Alive: the Both Matters

In June 18th 2005 Lieutenant Noah Harris's Humvee was attacked by a Rocket Propelled Grenade and he died of wounds. Days later one of his Infantry Officer Basic Course classmates, the author of this post, got the news and did not know what to do. He started by running Forest Gump style. He had been out the last night being an infantryman, drinking to hard and staying up too late. Getting shot done by women, and being OK getting told no. The heat seared into his being. He sweat profusely, but he still pushed on until he felt heat cramps. He turned off of the Fort Bragg firebreak and headed home. A Mortar live fire exercise was clearly off target because he had to push it the last two miles because he knew damned well rounds were striking within the minimum safe distance. His body was bone tired but he felt nothing except anger so he slammed some water, threw on a camel back and jumped on his mountain bike.

I spent five hours on the trail bitter and angry, pushing on despite a terrible headache and being hung over.  I'd recently survived my first tour of duty, and had shot and RPG gunner- if circumstances were a little different I'd have likely lost my life too. I felt guilty for shooting the gunner when I did, and influencing his miss. Perhaps the serendipity that made me raise my weapon prior the gunner's exposure could have helped Noah. As if some sort of national karma preserved my life, but allowed him to die. I ran because I was angry. I was mad at the world, but mostly at myself. Mad because I'd survived and better soldiers died. I was angry because he had a wife and I didn't.

I've survived so much and I can't for the life of me figure out why. It doesn't seem to be merit, although on occasion it has been. I am proud to have endured so much, but I am also ashamed that I am here and others are not. But like that 1st Lieutenant who lost his friend to an event that he had recently survived, I think that I am mad at myself because I am trying to mourn. It is just hard to when no one else around me is too. The loss of other lives and my survival exist together paradoxically. I can't seem to balance my willingness to trade my life for theirs, with my powerlessness to do so. So I run, angry and in pain, but mostly because that pain is the easiest thing to feel. Its negative, but its how I feel. More importantly, when I push through that pain I am reminded that I can do it.

Flash forward to the 23rd of June 2013. I was running on the isthmus off of Quoddy Head State Park (the Eastern most point of the United States) and I could see the mouth of the Bay of Fundy and Lee Brice's "I drive your truck" played. I generally hate all of the MERICA country music because it is so idealistic and it rarely captures the realities of service rather it just glorifies war. But, that song is such a great message about mourning. When I was running in this truly amazing and beautiful place I felt a wash with guilt, gratefulness and mourning. I was doing something truly challenging and in an one of kind place. I was living my life on my own terms the way I always wanted too. I was following my heart and my dreams, and as happy as it made me I felt guilty because of all those I knew who couldn't be there. It was affirming because I felt like I owed them days like this, and I knew that I was leading a life that recognized what I'd survived. Still I was here and they were not: so I was angry.

While most authors would simply describe the positive aspects of this event and place it into a triumphant narrative: I will not. It doesn't capture the conflict and paradoxical nature of both my gratefulness in that moment, but also the guilt I felt for being there and living my life while others can't. A few miles later I realized that I'd forgotten to take my hydration supplements and I started having heat cramps. The medicine I take for PTSD and mTBI dehydrates me at a much faster rate, and an excellent race, at a great pace, and the first without a panic attack in years became the most difficult race of my life. This for some reason felt better, and I felt less guilty. Joy in moments like on the isthmus is always accompanied by suffering, and guilt, so the misery of 18 miles of heat cramps felt more authentic.

More importantly, I was going to finish. I wouldn't die trying, but I could work my nutrition and hydration in a way that would not injure myself again. I'd be miserable, but I could get to the line. When you can find contentment in suffering the word has no prisons. I was hurting, but alive and that felt more natural. It felt right. I got through with my worst marathon time. But, I failed to finish my last 26.2 race, because of panic attacks, so all the exposure therapy seems to be working. The supplements would have helped, but my legs have to work harder now that I am not stopping to rally during panic attacks. It was hard and my worst race, but it happened because my life was moving forward positively. The but matters, because it demonstrates paradox and conflict. Like other vets I get mad when people tell me at least I survived. That is correct, but it is half correct. We survived and we feel guilty for it.

All the physiological steps forward aside it is more important that this weekend demonstrates how much I have grown emotionally. When Noah died all I felt was anger and guilt. Now I feel those things, but I also feel grateful. Feeling grateful to have survived when others didn't used to make me feel even more guilty. In war you see so many people killed, and so many innocent maimed that there is not a funeral service that can help with all that loss. Families take years to recover from the loss of one of their members, and it can take a lifetime to mourn loss on the scale of war. Few join to take lives rather than save them, and coming home when others did not is bitter sweet. Allowing the moments like on the isthmus to represent both gratefulness and grief is important. I for one am lucky to have found strength in suffering this weekend. That suffering made me better and happened because I am getting stronger, both physically and emotionally. I feel both amazing emotionally because of it, but at the same time it is a shame that I could not step in to save all the people who I have loved and lost. I am OK with that paradox, and I just wish society would be too, and let me feel conflicted instead of all the careless and blind thank yous for my service that only serve to pick at an old complicated wound. Maybe say sorry for your loss and thank you at the same time, because that would be more authentic.

The Writings of J. R. R. Tolkien: A Tale of Post Traumatic Growth

The World War I generation is often only characterized by writing influenced by transubstantiation. Many of the writers who fought in the Great War never quite recovered from his experiences. Their collapsed worldview often overshadowed those who used their experiences in war as source of understanding humanity. J. R. R. Tolkien’s service in the trenches invalided him for years after the war. Despite losing two of his best friends and his immediate difficulties after the Battle of the Somme Tolkien utilized his experiences to create a truly powerful story. Rather than focusing solely on loss Tolkien found away to use his service in the trenches as a source of personal growth(This is an adaption of a khronikos post).

J. R. R. Tolkien was an outspoken critic of a young intellectual discipline of psychology.[1] His stories were often criticized because of their setting in the fantasy world of middle earth ignored the world that Tolkien lived in, but this view ignores the parallels between his characters and his own life. It also ignore the fact that the heroes of his tales, Hobbits of small stature that lacked physical courage, challenged the notions of ”Social Darwinism.”  This ideology dominated British jingoism and the early profession of psychology.[2] His two heroes Bilbo and Frodo Baggins challenged archetypes of masculinity while criticizing nationalists that attempted to subsume or overtake other culture. The Hobbits fought for other homelands because of their attachment to the shire.

Bilbo Baggins’s decision to support the quest of dwarves struggling to recapture their homeland would parallel Tolkien’s decision to serve in World War I. Moreover, Baggins’s selection was a purposeful rejection the ideals of soldiery. In his undergraduate education J. R. R. Tolkien joined a group of friends called the Tea Club and Barrovian Society (TCBS).[3] Like Bilbo Tolkien was a reluctant to serve and was the last of his peers to join up. He instead finished his degree at the top of his class at Cambridge and, though he could have easily taken a less dangerous assignment, he followed his friends into the Lancaster Fusiliers. Unlike his friends who served in the intelligence or in the infantry Tolkien became a signals officer, and would play a supportive role. When Baggins was selected as a thief Tolkien stated that a warrior would have been more appropriate, but the wizard Gandalf observed that the “warriors are busy fighting one another in distant lands.”[4] Tolkien was no advocate of war but his love of his country urged him to serve and his friendships urged him to serve in a front-line battalion.

Like the Hobbits of his tale Tolkien would be constantly exposed to danger. Tolkien survived the Somme—which was largest battle in history. Though not serving as an infantryman he was repeatedly exposed to artillery inside of underground command posts. His insights are evident in the Lord of the Rings by his use of onomatopoeia for drumbeats of “doom, doom” inside of dank tunnels while being chased by orgs.[5] Even the poisoning of Frodo by the Black rider held correlated with the death of his friend Geoffrey Smith after a minor shrapnel wound proved fatal due to “gas gangrene.”[6]

For Tolkien challenged the “Social Darwinist” theories championed by Kenneth Spencer as well as the eugenic theories of psychologists Francis Galton, H. H. Goddard by his use of non-archetype heroes.[7] Hobbits broke the mold of stereotypically larger heroic figures, but their value system gave them a unique strength against the dark power of Sauron that stronger men could not resist. He also challenged Galton’s concept of nature over nurture by making Frodo the adopted son of Bilbo Baggins rather than the genetic offspring. Again Tolkien’s value of place as significant source of person’s culture and identity without justifying ones place as superior to any other. His mythical world was a nuanced of expression of cultural values in reaction to scientific and psychological theories of his day.

 Tolkien was also illustrating how individuals were corrupted by conflict and a quest for power. Bilbo and Frodo desired adventure and wished to help their friends yet the only ones to fall in their circle of companions would succumb to their desires for power. Boromir would try to prevent the destruction of the one ring and Thorin would succumb in battle only after alienating allies in securing wealth for themselves.[8] In both cases Hobbits strengthened by their values, which were a product of love of their home (environment), alone secured the a the quest’s outcome. Bilbo would broker an alliance in The Hobbit and in the Lord of the Rings Frodo, Sam and Gollum would alone reach mount doom to destroy the power of Sauron.

Tolkien’s precise critique of “Social Darwinism” and genetically deterministic psychological theories are only present within in a proper understanding of the historical development of psychological theories. For Tolkien WWI, like his stories was an internal battle of the individual’s character. One could not sit on the sidelines while their colleagues were fighting terrible war and their homeland needed them, but one should also not assume that ones homeland was superior to others. Tolkien said, “I don’t defend ‘Deutschland über alles’ (Germany over all) but certainly… ‘Alt for Norge’ (all for Norway).”[9] For Tolkien love of nation created empathy for other cultural understandings of place. His values did not praise violence, but equally would not abandon his friends and countrymen in their greatest struggle. His mythological world became an escape and means of expressing his own difficult experiences and values in relation with the Great War. Even in victory Tolkien and Bilbo believe it seemed “a very gloomy business.”[10] Most importantly, for Tolkien “The anxieties of war… stoked his creative fires,” and the culturally iconic figures in his stories also served as a social commentary about World War I.[11]


Tolkien did a few things that enabled him to grow as person following World War I. He kept friends who pushed him to succeed and who also understood what it was like to survive a war. The remaining members of the TCBS pushed each other towards continued success and used their loss as catalyst to speak for these who no longer could. In this way they leveraged survivor guilt to push they’re lives forward. Tolkien’s work was both a commitment to his own growth but also an act of morning. At my lowest I think about the gift of life that I have and the men I served with whom no longer have that gift. Tolkien also found a way to escape and express his own difficult experiences through the mode of writing. Fiction is often clearer than the truth and the sentiment of his books have deep insights about the nature of war. I would urge veterans to pick up his novels both to recognize his insights about war, and to recognize a figure that endured the worst campaign imaginable, and found a way to grow because and not in spite of it. Growth is hard, but Tolkien found a way. So by studying his life and writings you might find inspiration for your own problems.




Image credits
LT. Tolkien
Bilbo and Frodo Baggins
Tolkien




[1]John Garth, Tolkien and the Great War: The Threshold of Middle-Earth (Mariner Books, 2005), 14. iBook.

[2]Ibid., 66

[3]Ibid., 23

[4]J. R. R. Tolkien, The Hobbit (Mariner Books, 2012) 27. iBook.

[5]J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2005) 441-448. iBook.

[6]Garth, Tolkien and the Great War, 271.

[7] See H. H. Goddard. See Francis Galton. See James C. Goodwin, A History of Modern Psychology (4 ed. Wiley, 2011), 215.

[8]Tolkien, Lord of the Rings, 536. Tolkien, The Hobbit, 257.

[9]Garth, Tolkien and the Great War 77.

[10]Tolkien, The Hobbit, 267.

[11]Garth, Tolkien and the Great War 245.

Communicate with PTSD Veteran

By Scott Lee circa 1991

Last year I was diagnosed with paranoia features to go along with PTSD. The significance resounds in the impact it has on my relationships and self imposed isolation. I fight unreasonable and persistent thoughts of not being able to trust anyone, especially those in authority and closest in proximity. My imagination has convinced me that buying an electronic bug sweeper to rid my apartment of the mics and cameras everywhere is a good idea. Try having intrusive thoughts and the feeling that you can't trust your inner circle because they don't get it, whatever it is. Or while in therapy fight the yelling in your head that your therapist is trying to get you locked up.

When I can't stop the impulsive thinking things can escalate quickly if the situation is misread and turns stressful. All of this informs that I must be wary of what I say depending on the audience in attendance. Not that this plan always works. If people could step back and take it as a learning and healing opportunity, it would break down barriers between us. My difficulties in communicating could be seen as a manifestation of my condition; a psychological wound. It's time to take a look at how we communicate with our veterans, before to many more of us pull the final trigger.

It's never easy to receive a direct verbal assault of judgement or righteous indignation from your veteran, which can happen when loved ones fail to listen or discern underlying issues.

Living through combat or operational experiences fundamentally changes the way we think, feel and see the world. Our survivors perspective has etched our psyche altering consciousness and our connections with people whom we were once close. It may seem as though we have disowned one another, but for the veteran we are locked in our minds most of the time. Fighting our trauma takes an incredible amount of mental energy manifesting as the external battle you see. Just as we would lend an arm in support of the physically disabled, so should we begin the journey of understanding the mentally wounded and offering a emotional shoulder.

We no longer feel the comfortable sameness with one another back at home, the relational arena has changed.

In combat we develop the most intense bonds through blood and survival in unimaginable situations in epic tales. When a squad emerges having survived, it burns away the facades we fake. We become genuine in our thinking, feeling and expression. Whether we direct this new energy in a downward spiral or we hone it as a skill set. Either can have a huge impact on our lives. Civilian life is full of complex rules of etiquette and expected social mores. All very troublesome for the paranoid, delusional and dissociative mind looking for the reason to avoid, avoid, avoid.

If we are unaware of these developments; our skill sets, the dissociative symptoms and the civilian rules, then it can become problematic for our triggers. Alarms signaling hidden agendas, putting us on guard our defensive mechanisms begin to turn. We may project our anxiety onto you, again fouling up the opportunity to reach a relational arena. We may feel disowned or out of touch, but what we have lost is the place in which to relate again. The altered relational parameters will take time to work out, give it and us time.

Communication starts when we loose the desire to speak and be heard, it begins when we open up to receive and act authentically.

Listening is a powerful tool, it can make your veteran feel as though you are in our corner. Caught up in our constant and silent mental crisis, our perceptions may be skewed. The delusions may have greater command over our judgement and thus our reactions. Hence the confusion and misunderstandings between veterans and loved ones. Armed with the right information and the ability to listen, the support member could use these moments to offer an empathetic hand. We need to share our burdens but fear your rejection if we tell you it all. Expect to be open minded, we may share soul tearing information. Guard your reaction, please don't pull away during these moments.

Let the stunned silence rain, communion begins when we open our spirits to one another.

We need direct communication, don't worry we probably will not be phased by 'what you say.' It is in the delivery that we need to take great care, with skill and finesse in, how we speak to one another until we can bridge the gap of confusion. We have been emotionally crippled by witnessing or participating in mass death and destruction on a scale unimaginable. If our wounds were visible we would get respect, admiration, and compassion. We have no scars to prove our fight was just and that we gave it our all. We have Invisible Wounds that manifest as behavioral issues and social awkwardness.

When, Where and How to Approach a Combat Veteran

I'm on the floor

I was talking to one of my new Journal of Military Experience friends and she expressed a discomfort in approaching me during the Military Experience Arts Symposium. She wanted to respect my space but didn't know a comfortable way to approach me in relation to PTSD symptoms in a group setting. It made me start to think about the intense air I must emote for her to question when and how to approach me. I love talking to people, it's where I get some of my greatest inspirations. But, sometimes my condition may not permit me to interact on a desired level or in an expected way. In a couple of the pictures floating around from the symposium you could find me off by myself concentrating on breathing and meditating.

The PTSD mind sees all interactions and people as a possible threat, even loved ones and friends we have known our whole lives. In between events and workshops I was concentrating heavily on trying to talk to people and maintain my anxiety level which gets in the way of communicating. Internally we may be caught up in our inner world and if we are wrapped up in high emotional states we may be displaying body postures and facial expressions that says, "I'm not at home right now, please don't leave a message." Our body language may be misconstrued as offensive and therefore subject to misinformation, stereotyping, stigma and personal biases. To the uninitiated in trauma we may appear as someone to wary or fear.

A common aspect of our mental wound is the defensive state of mind, when understood in this context may help facilitate communication. If I am not completely zoned out my hypervigilance is zapping my energy on purely defensive matters. Whether from fighting my delusions rendering reality obsolete to dodging my many triggers so that I may not hallucinate. Our triggers are many and some of us hallucinate regularly, please consider this and be respectful. Balance this with knowing that we don't want to be feared or treated as though broken. This inner battle we wage is against ourselves, not you. You would be safer standing next to a combat veteran with PTSD than most people. When our symptoms manifests try not to take it personally and see at it as a learning opportunity. It's easier to accept the pain and discomfort of a veteran wounded from a bullet or bomb and much more difficult to see our mental wound and difficulties in interacting as our scars.

I've met some combat veterans with some intense stares, some just recently. But the funny thing is one of the most intense looking guys at the symposium had a wicked humor and a huge heart. No, not me. I was having the same trouble as my new friend. How to approach an intense looking combat veteran? I would imagine my new friend would also be thinking, "What do I do if he begins to share some of his burdens?" A veterans sharing lightens their burden and extends a unique opportunity and honor to the recipient. Less than 14% of our nation has served our republic in the military and when we opt to open up, our voices should resound. I am starved of human interaction due to my superhero ability to run people off who have little understanding of my condition. Sharing nurtures the healing process soothing the mental wound, filling me with empathy. Even though I resist talking about my experiences, I feel compelled to share.

I am willing to expound upon on my condition and life, but many veterans do not feel comfortable discussing their experiences and wounds, mental or otherwise. If you want to approach a veteran and they have a flat affect as the textbooks like to call it, assess the situation. That's what we are doing during those intensely long pauses, you might as well do the same. Do we wear military fatigues, insignia or medals? Do we appear anxious, guarded or rigid? How about spring loaded? What is that all about? Unresolved trauma becomes locked in the body giving our posture the appearance of aggression or overly assertiveness thus reinforcing the stereotype. 

If you were to notice my hearing aids, I would be comfortable with questions on how it would be best to communicate with me concerning my hearing. I have bilateral hearing loss and being able to see the lips move enables better hearing. This could be a possible segue into how I lost my hearing, which I would tell you was from enemy artillery. I'm not suggesting that asking a veteran about how they got a prosthetic limb is a good idea, that may be akin to asking about someones sex life. Never ask a veteran if they have killed someone. Might as well say, "Hi! I don't know you. But, would you completely bare your soul to me here and now?" It's rude and completely disrespectful. But asking a warrior about a pin worn may be a good way to see if she is open to sharing.

Many veterans are open to sharing about the Military Experience, it wasn't all bad and in many ways better than today. If we are approached with respect and treated with dignity we may impart upon a part of our nations living oral history. Who knows you may become a member of their trusted inner circle, their squad at home.  

Combat PTSD Veterans Need a Strong Inner Circle

To the people who are near but seem the furthest away. I need a strong inner circle, which I lack. People in my life have the designation of friends but have never been to my house even though I have been to theirs, you stop inviting people that never come over. Others hold resentments and make it my responsibility for our relationship. I understand that my people skills can suffer and I withdraw quite a bit, but this is when I need people the most. The last thing I need during these times are petty resentments or ignorance and fear to interfere with my deep need for human connection.

Most people don't want to talk about dark and emotional conversations, it triggers people's unresolved issues. That's when they tell you to get over it, that people don't want to hear about it all the time, or tune you out, etcetera etcetera. We do need to talk about it often sometimes, but sharing on that level requires a tremendous amount of trust. Which is why we don't share much, even with our loved ones the bonding needs to be a high level for us to embark on telling our stories. It's important the immediate circle see our condition as a psychological injury and become educated in how to interact with someone with a mental wound.

Active Listening is the first lesson. Listening has important components to employed that will increase your ability to communicate effectively.

What is active listening? (www.cdcr.ca.gov/CSA/STC/docs/active%20listening.ppt)

• It’s a communication skill that involves both the speaker and the receiver.
• In active listening, the receiver tries to understand what feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are being communicated and accepts it as the person’s own.
• The listener feeds back only what they believe the sender’s message meant - nothing more, nothing less. It involves feedback and verification that the receiver correctly understood the senders message.
• The active listener avoids getting stuck in another person’s “helpless” feelings.

I employ much empathy and compassion in my friendships, along with active listening. Depending on many of the factors above I share with my most trusted freely. Sharing here is different than in person or with someone I have a strong personal bond. People's insensitivity and unintentional attempts to support often become offensive and another case of my mental feats of dispatching evil thoughts going unnoticed. I'm tired of being told to just get over it, or told try and not to think about it, or being told that no one really wants to hear about my issues all the time. I understand people's intention when giving this "advice." I try and see these as teaching moments. But, it is difficult to have a great need to unburden myself when someone gives really bad advice. It usually clams me up and sends my mind spinning.

Veterans diagnosed with PTSD need a strong and unconditional support network in which to begin to heal. Unfortunately people mistake many PTSD and behavioral issues as character defects and not symptoms of a mental wound. This turns people off. Additionally many people are put off by the way I break down their facades quickly and call them on their shit; a defensive behavior to shut others down. I am learning that a friend to keep is one who shares in the good and bad. We don't need people to understand us completely. But, we do not wish to be alone in our pain or joy anymore. We need people close to us who are willing to learn about our condition and dish and take some shit; aka then still be there.

PTSD people have this thing with calling everyone out on their shit. People have to be ready for that, no really.

I have a mental and spiritual wound, my struggles are symptoms manifested. What is your excuse?

Anger Needs a Target: Don't Ask a Vet About Their Medicine During Stressful Events

The other day a friend unknowingly asked me the wrong question during a PTSD moment. "Are you taking your meds?" Asking a Combat PTSD Veteran if they have taken their medicine during times of stress can often be frowned upon by the wary Vet (attempt at humor); not really a good idea. The only thing she did was ask me if I was taking my meds because she could see I was stressed, that's it. But, to the stressed out Combat PTSD Veteran, timing is everything. I needed to counter-reflect in the moment, which I have love to do, to take myself out of being stressed. So I looked at this occasion as am opportunity to teach someone I love about how my mind works.

Her question,

But isn't that a natural question? I know if I don't take mine, I get symptoms.

Me, "Yes, and you shouldn't know that its not a good thing to do ask a vet at that time."

Ok, thanks for letting me know. I'll try to remember that. Can I be honest about my opinion of what you just told me?

Me, "Yes. If I am not mad at you its ok to ask if I am taking my meds, if not then ask the next day."

I don't really think that's fair to just say "don't ask if I am taking my meds" I understand that it can cause a reaction. Of course I don't understand because I haven't been where you have been. But if your friend is showing roller coaster moods it seems like a logical question. I want to understand, but I will never be able to truly truly understand, only one who has lived it can understand.

I can explain to most people what I go through and make them understand for the most part.

Anger needs a target for everyone. Anger heeds a object, for without a quarry there is no anger. If we feel angry then we can usually name who or what has triggered this emotion within us. If not, it can manifest as an internal conflict, thereby creating a problematic environment or situation for the Combat PTSD Veteran. Without realizing this internal conflict we can project this struggle onto others we feel emotionally close, for the dissociative mind can confuse the intimacy with loved ones with the intimacy of war.

Combat Vet Girlfriend Finds Hope and Support at PASP

Photo by Scott Lee

ACK Girl said...Another comment from More Stupid Crap to Say to a Combat Veteran from February 18, 2010 12:12 PM (24 comments and growing),

I have been dating a veteran of the Iraq war for approximately 6 months now and I see how his PTSD effects everything aspect of his life. He was very forthcoming with his struggle right from the start. I thought I had a reasonably decent grasp on what I was getting involved with because my father was a war veteran as well. I was used to not being able to make loud noises, walk up behind him without warning, ask questions about his experiences (my father taught me to listen to the information offered but to never ever ask questions of a veteran), etc.

My father was a loving man but not an emotionally expressive one until the tail end of his life. It took the passing of my mother for him to finally let down some of his guard and show some real emotion. It was in the 9 years between my mom and dad's passing that I finally got to know my father as the man he truely was. He was wounded still, decades after he served in WWII. He struggled with his own deamons and yet he was still infinitely proud to have served his country. To him, it was his greatest accomplishment.

When I met my boyfriend there was so much about him that reminded me of my dad. He had all of the qualities that I loved about my own father. He is proud yet humble. He is strong yet vulnerable (not that he wants to show that, but I have seen it). He is wounded yet he carries on. I admire him in ways he will never know....the same way I admired my dad. I see his struggle with his PTSD and I wish I could help somehow. All I can do is listen when he wants to talk and do my best to not do the things that I know will set him off (like walking up behind him unexpectedly, discussing politics, religion or the war (any of them, and things like that).

We have had a hard time with certain aspects of our relationship but I know in my heart that he is a good, honest and loving man. I also know that he is deeply, deeply wounded in ways that I could not begin to imagine. So I will patiently work through the bumps with him because I believe in him. I believe in all of our veterans and service memebers. I owe my life to them, I owe my freedom to them and I owe my undying support and gratitude to them. It was an honor to have been raised by the man I called daddy. It is an honor to share my life with than man I call "honey". It is an honor to be an american citizen and I am fully aware of the price that has been paid and will be paid by those who defend our freedom and liberties.

Thank you for this blog. It helps to read these posts to gain better insight into how to help and support the veteran that I love so dearly.

Communicating with Deployed Combat PTSD Soldier

Image viaWikipedia

I received this email just about 30 minutes ago from a woman whose fiancée is deployed in a war zone with PTSD that he has had since 2005!

Diagnosed with PTSD and still in combat? Really? To some of the general public this will be a surprise, but to those of us who live it. It has always been a reality. Hello world, wake up and smell the gunpowder in the air. I want to encourage our readers to research this site and copy and paste those links here and I will add them in a new resources button 'Communicating with Deployed Soldier.' Here is her email as it came to me,

I came across your blog while researching out PTSD. My fiancé is actively deployed and been dealing with this condition since 2005. I found your blog to have a wealth of information especially the posts relating to communicating with a loved one with PTSD. I searched through your blog for information on understanding and communicating with a spouse or partner who is deployed but was not successful. Any insight you may have or resources you know of that you could give me would be greatly appreciated. My fiancé is really having a hard time and I am at a loss on what to say to comfort him since I am doing this from a distance and I am really wanting to understand PTSD and the effect it has on a person.

Thank you for your time

My response,

Right below the Dr. Jay's ad you will find a box that says 'Resources and My Favorites.' You will find several articles that I wrote along with others whom I thought were relevant to the conversation of . The rest of the information you need to better communicate with him comes from your soon to be education on Combat PTSD, thats where the rest of the website comes in. Two of my writers are Combat veteran wives who can give you a wealth of knowledge in understanding their Combat Vet, which may have some insight for you and your situation.

The writing at my websites comes from a clinical perspective with a 'been there, done that' kind of attitude. Sound familiar? Well, now we are connecting. I can help you understand how he thinks, the other writers can help you with getting through it how they got through it.

Hope this helps and I will be posting this response at my website. Can I have your permission to use your email? I will change the names and will post soon

Combat Vets Wife Angers Her Husband: I Feel Shitty, Oh So Shitty

I unintentionally upset my husband last night, the details of which are inconsequential to the emotion behind this post. When I left the house for work he remained behind sitting alone unconsoled. I was so mad at myself that before going into the Jail I sat in my truck, grabbed a scrap of paper, and frantically scribbled out my frustration.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.... so enough said.

What to Say to Your Soldier While Deployed

I received this comment over at A Soldier's Perspective, on the post "What to Say to Your Solider or Veteran Who Confess to You their Sins of War" from a woman that wanted to know what to say to her boyfriend on his latest tour,

My boyfriend of 6 months poured his heart out to me about his first deployment to Afghanistan back in 2001. It was a very emotional conversation and I just held hi close and listened to every thing he said. I've never felt so helpless before listening to his guilt and his pain. He was deployed to Iraq almost a week ago and I have no idea what to say to him while he's over there. I know not to ask questions abou the situation but is there anything comforting I can say?

My response,

By writing him he will know that you support him, this may seem insignificant to his situation, but has an enormous benefit to his morale. Your sense of helplessness was magnified due to his emotional outpouring, by being present with him you did everything you could do in that moment and the only action needed.

By being present in your writing you will convey your being to him, this can invigorate his day and bring him hope. Write about your day, tell him the funny thing that happened at work or the silly thought you had. Tell him that you had your hair cut and styled or that you had a bad hair day.

The most mundane things to you will be the most significant to him, give him a window into your world.

If you want to follow the conversation here at PASP, click here

More Stupid Crap to Say to a Combat Veteran

I picked up a new Army Veteran hat that I just bought yesterday and hung it up on top of my Desert Storm hat. My desert storm hat has a Combat Infantry Badge (CIB) pin on the front of it, and I considered placing the pin on my new hat. As I was doing this a thought came to me of a time when I first came home, I had not been back long at the ripe age of 21. I went into a convenience store and was buying something at the register (probably gas) and as I was leaving this young guy maybe a little younger than me was coming in the door.

I had my BDU (Battle Dress Uniform) jacket on with a CIB patch on it. This young punk was coming in the door and looked at the patch on my jacket and said, "Did you earn that?" I immediately went into homicidal ideation, I thought about doing some serious harm to him. But, after what seemed like hours, I told him in as shitty a way that I could and almost screamed at him "YES!" I am pretty sure I had an intimidating posture to put an emphasis on my point. Guess what? Instantaneously he became extremely intelligent and did not say another word.

If you see a person in public with military clothes on, a hat or something that signifies that they were in the military. Do yourself a favor and do not ask him or her about medals, badges, or any insignia they may have displayed right away, especially in a negative way. Tell them welcome home, and then gauge their reaction and if they want to talk to you they may open up some. But, do not take this as an invitation to ask personal information. Our military experiences have an extremely sacred and personal compartment in our minds and hearts that we place them in. Many of us do not even tell our wives, family or friends about what we did or saw.

We do not wear our military memorabilia because we want people to ask us about them, we wear them to remind us of shit we will never be able to forget. If you cannot understand that then you have no business asking us about anything.

What to Say to Your Soldier or Veteran Who Confess to You Their Sins of War

By listening without judgment and negativity you are giving your soldier something extremely valuable. It may seem insignificant, they are pouring out their soul to you and in doing so you can have a unique opportunity to help them reclaim what they lost on the battlefield.

Living through combat changes who we were. We may choose to remain in denial because if we can pretend to be who we were then we might not have to face who we have become.

Your soldier has chosen to look into their soul and share with you. When they delve into this abyss they experience it for the first time as well as you. In combat we have to compartmentalize all of the horrors of war due to our inability to process it, to do otherwise would get us killed.

By listening and giving them comfort they can begin to regain that part of the mind that has been ravaged by war. They are not proud of the things they will share with you. Do not tell them that you are proud of them in these moments for this is a judgment. Deep down they know it's not their fault, this to is a judgment.

They may blame themselves, guilt of surviving and leaving your battle buddy behind is a crippling cycle of incrimination and damnation.

Tell them soothing things that a mother would tell her son or daughter when he or she comes running home and crying. There, there. It's ok, it's ok. I am here for you. I love you. I am glad you made it home, etc. Also encouraging words or phrases; Uh huh, yeah, ok, go on, I'm listening, etc. can help encourage the veteran to go on. Silence can be an effective communicator of interest in listening.

Remember, this is more about the veteran. Let them lead the way and do not push them into talking when they would not be comfortable.

I hope this helped, if you want to understand why they do the things they do or what may be going on in their mind; browse my blog, I have poured my heart out in it and think that it closely resembles what many combat veterans think and feel.