Showing posts with label inspirations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inspirations. Show all posts

February 11, 2013

The Writings of J. R. R. Tolkien: A Tale of Post Traumatic Growth


The World War I generation is often only characterized by writing influenced by transubstantiation. Many of the writers who fought in the Great War never quite recovered from his experiences. Their collapsed worldview often overshadowed those who used their experiences in war as source of understanding humanity. J. R. R. Tolkien’s service in the trenches invalided him for years after the war. Despite losing two of his best friends and his immediate difficulties after the Battle of the Somme Tolkien utilized his experiences to create a truly powerful story. Rather than focusing solely on loss Tolkien found away to use his service in the trenches as a source of personal growth(This is an adaption of a khronikos post).

J. R. R. Tolkien was an outspoken critic of a young intellectual discipline of psychology.[1] His stories were often criticized because of their setting in the fantasy world of middle earth ignored the world that Tolkien lived in, but this view ignores the parallels between his characters and his own life. It also ignore the fact that the heroes of his tales, Hobbits of small stature that lacked physical courage, challenged the notions of ”Social Darwinism.”  This ideology dominated British jingoism and the early profession of psychology.[2] His two heroes Bilbo and Frodo Baggins challenged archetypes of masculinity while criticizing nationalists that attempted to subsume or overtake other culture. The Hobbits fought for other homelands because of their attachment to the shire.

Bilbo Baggins’s decision to support the quest of dwarves struggling to recapture their homeland would parallel Tolkien’s decision to serve in World War I. Moreover, Baggins’s selection was a purposeful rejection the ideals of soldiery. In his undergraduate education J. R. R. Tolkien joined a group of friends called the Tea Club and Barrovian Society (TCBS).[3] Like Bilbo Tolkien was a reluctant to serve and was the last of his peers to join up. He instead finished his degree at the top of his class at Cambridge and, though he could have easily taken a less dangerous assignment, he followed his friends into the Lancaster Fusiliers. Unlike his friends who served in the intelligence or in the infantry Tolkien became a signals officer, and would play a supportive role. When Baggins was selected as a thief Tolkien stated that a warrior would have been more appropriate, but the wizard Gandalf observed that the “warriors are busy fighting one another in distant lands.”[4] Tolkien was no advocate of war but his love of his country urged him to serve and his friendships urged him to serve in a front-line battalion.

Like the Hobbits of his tale Tolkien would be constantly exposed to danger. Tolkien survived the Somme—which was largest battle in history. Though not serving as an infantryman he was repeatedly exposed to artillery inside of underground command posts. His insights are evident in the Lord of the Rings by his use of onomatopoeia for drumbeats of “doom, doom” inside of dank tunnels while being chased by orgs.[5] Even the poisoning of Frodo by the Black rider held correlated with the death of his friend Geoffrey Smith after a minor shrapnel wound proved fatal due to “gas gangrene.”[6]

For Tolkien challenged the “Social Darwinist” theories championed by Kenneth Spencer as well as the eugenic theories of psychologists Francis Galton, H. H. Goddard by his use of non-archetype heroes.[7] Hobbits broke the mold of stereotypically larger heroic figures, but their value system gave them a unique strength against the dark power of Sauron that stronger men could not resist. He also challenged Galton’s concept of nature over nurture by making Frodo the adopted son of Bilbo Baggins rather than the genetic offspring. Again Tolkien’s value of place as significant source of person’s culture and identity without justifying ones place as superior to any other. His mythical world was a nuanced of expression of cultural values in reaction to scientific and psychological theories of his day.

 Tolkien was also illustrating how individuals were corrupted by conflict and a quest for power. Bilbo and Frodo desired adventure and wished to help their friends yet the only ones to fall in their circle of companions would succumb to their desires for power. Boromir would try to prevent the destruction of the one ring and Thorin would succumb in battle only after alienating allies in securing wealth for themselves.[8] In both cases Hobbits strengthened by their values, which were a product of love of their home (environment), alone secured the a the quest’s outcome. Bilbo would broker an alliance in The Hobbit and in the Lord of the Rings Frodo, Sam and Gollum would alone reach mount doom to destroy the power of Sauron.

Tolkien’s precise critique of “Social Darwinism” and genetically deterministic psychological theories are only present within in a proper understanding of the historical development of psychological theories. For Tolkien WWI, like his stories was an internal battle of the individual’s character. One could not sit on the sidelines while their colleagues were fighting terrible war and their homeland needed them, but one should also not assume that ones homeland was superior to others. Tolkien said, “I don’t defend ‘Deutschland über alles’ (Germany over all) but certainly… ‘Alt for Norge’ (all for Norway).”[9] For Tolkien love of nation created empathy for other cultural understandings of place. His values did not praise violence, but equally would not abandon his friends and countrymen in their greatest struggle. His mythological world became an escape and means of expressing his own difficult experiences and values in relation with the Great War. Even in victory Tolkien and Bilbo believe it seemed “a very gloomy business.”[10] Most importantly, for Tolkien “The anxieties of war… stoked his creative fires,” and the culturally iconic figures in his stories also served as a social commentary about World War I.[11]


Tolkien did a few things that enabled him to grow as person following World War I. He kept friends who pushed him to succeed and who also understood what it was like to survive a war. The remaining members of the TCBS pushed each other towards continued success and used their loss as catalyst to speak for these who no longer could. In this way they leveraged survivor guilt to push they’re lives forward. Tolkien’s work was both a commitment to his own growth but also an act of morning. At my lowest I think about the gift of life that I have and the men I served with whom no longer have that gift. Tolkien also found a way to escape and express his own difficult experiences through the mode of writing. Fiction is often clearer than the truth and the sentiment of his books have deep insights about the nature of war. I would urge veterans to pick up his novels both to recognize his insights about war, and to recognize a figure that endured the worst campaign imaginable, and found a way to grow because and not in spite of it. Growth is hard, but Tolkien found a way. So by studying his life and writings you might find inspiration for your own problems.




Image credits
LT. Tolkien
Bilbo and Frodo Baggins
Tolkien




[1]John Garth, Tolkien and the Great War: The Threshold of Middle-Earth (Mariner Books, 2005), 14. iBook.

[2]Ibid., 66

[3]Ibid., 23

[4]J. R. R. Tolkien, The Hobbit (Mariner Books, 2012) 27. iBook.

[5]J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2005) 441-448. iBook.

[6]Garth, Tolkien and the Great War, 271.

[7] See H. H. Goddard. See Francis Galton. See James C. Goodwin, A History of Modern Psychology (4 ed. Wiley, 2011), 215.

[8]Tolkien, Lord of the Rings, 536. Tolkien, The Hobbit, 257.

[9]Garth, Tolkien and the Great War 77.

[10]Tolkien, The Hobbit, 267.

[11]Garth, Tolkien and the Great War 245.

January 6, 2013

Military Sexual Trauma and PTSD

Several years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety Disorder. I am Service Connected Disabled (70%) and live with daily symptoms caused by two rapes while serving in the Army on two different posts, on two different continents. My assailants were both soldiers I served with. In another series, I am revealing my story. In this series I will address how I have lived with my experiences and symptoms.

Since considering posting my story, my anxiety levels have been through the roof. My hands shake, I am nauseous, I sweat, I constantly look over my shoulder, my legs bounce (tap?) when sitting... the list goes on. Most of the time I am able to deal with my symptoms and most people don't even realize I am having a problem. I have nearly 20 years experience hiding what is inside me.

Recently, I saw the movie Invisible War. Though the movie is excellent and needs to be seen by everyone, it set me backwards in coping with my experiences. I began to remember details I had worked hard to suppress. I remembered more clearly the second time I was raped and that was something I had buried deep as I could never tell anyone about it. After trying to get help the first time, there was no way I was going to put myself through the hell of being persecuted again.

I have been angry and frustrated the last few months after seeing the movie. People close to me expressed that they noticed a change in me. My ability to camouflage is failing. Everyone I saw looking at me "knew." Every man was a threat. Every woman a judge of my dress, behavior, mannerisms, speech.

Being an educator I did what academics do best: I researched. I had heard about Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) but didn't really know what it was. After reading about it, I made the request to my VA therapist and started CPT this past week. Posting my story and my therapy online is to both help me heal and help others find their way.


Michelle Monte is a Professor of English and is working on several essays. She is an assistant editor for Journal of Military Experience 3. Michelle served in the Army and Army Reserve from 1992-2000.

June 7, 2012

PTSD: Get Over It

Ever been told to get past it? Or told to get over it and can't?

I wouldn't ask you to beat your noggin against that wall, my head hurts just thinking about it. But, working through it; that won't be as difficult. Our language says much. "Getting past it" or "getting over it" suggests it's something to be pushed aside or to get around all at once. To work through suggests that it can be managed, one trauma at a time, and one therapy session at at time. Outside of therapy you can start by learning from others who have been in your shoes through online social media sites; Facebook is an excellent tool to network Additionally I suggest learning coping skills, guided imagery to lessen anxiety, becoming familiar with your triggers, and mindfulness of thoughts and feelings to help process. Grounding techniques such as putting a rock in your pocket can help ease anxiety along with learning to pray and meditate. Journaling is a tremendous instrument in purging and self reflection, a tactile sensory expression of our experiences allowing differing perspectives on ourselves.

November 5, 2011

To the Combat PTSD Caregiver

Reach out to other spouses in your area or online to help educate and support one another. There are many benefits you can apply for today such as the Caregiver Benefit of service-connected veterans. An organization I highly recommend is Family of a Vet, you can find their link on the upper right hand of this blog.

When things between you two become confusing it is due to his perception of reality has been profoundly shaken. Everything he thought of himself has been shattered to the core including his spirit. I often speak of coming home in body starting as we disembark the aircraft to our home soil. Coming home in mind is a completely different experience and mine happened when I was able to be present all day without dissociating or loosing time to spacing out. This happened in 2010 twenty years after my combat experience. I still loose time, in the last several months my stress level has risen and remained constant and my dissociative features of Combat PTSD have been kicking.

Know that when his reality has been high-jacked, you are the means of his reality testing. When this other reality bleeds over into yours, it is real in his mind. Knowing this will help you communicate with him, his comments or behavior can give you clues to his mental state and in what reality his mind thinks its in.

When my kids where around and I was having hallucinations I included them sometimes as combat operations. To them they were playing war with dad, to me the intensity was dulled. I was able to tether myself to my kids and not succumb to the all encompassing flashbacks where the reality of today disappears as the horror of yesteryear rains.

He is in there and will come home in mind when he is ready, his mind trying to sort out the absurdity and brutality of war. It is a long process. I want to thank you for your spirit and knowledge seeking to understand your veteran, you are important to him if he doesn't say it. That's that part of him that cannot reconcile war, killing and the sacrifices your family experiences daily. This part of him is broken, how can we use something effectually rendered inoperable? You are in my prayers.

June 27, 2010

Cynosure the Gift of Faith

Photo by Scott Lee
I was so overwhelmed by the time the WWII veterans arrived I could no longer concentrate on the camera settings or my job there. So I tried to take pictures but most did not take of their return, but should that be that may. I got many contacts and wonderful photos, met some incredible people and have interviews in waiting. So many veterans want to share their stories, I am so blessed to have the gift of cynosure (please read the whole definition, I'm not as narcissistic as the first few lines might indicate...lol).

Every time I listen to that inner voice that says, "I must for I act." Today that means the mobilization of our communities to help our returning veterans come home safely. They need not end up homeless, incarcerated, suicidal or homicidal and thrown away in the increasing numbers we see today. We must as communities organize ourselves, we cannot afford to wait. The time has come to mobilize the most massive civilian relief effort within our homeland since we first asked our American Natives for help.

Today I carry that warrior spirit with me, my grandmother was Cherokee here in Kentucky. She was a child on the trail of tears, when my mother (I just worked through an issue with my mom, thank you God) would tell that story she could not help but weep as I do today. I have not confirmed, but my father told me that we were related to the local legend Robert E. Lee and have been impacted in from this side of the family. A local 'Hatfield and McCoy' merger, lol, man I'm a true Kentucky Colonel.

June 17, 2010

Altruism

Belisaire demandant l'aumone Jacques-Louis de ...
Image via Wikipedia
Altruism is the race to balance between our passions and purpose to effect social change, against one's own self-interest. A calling that was not of our choosing, but a gift from God to do his bidding. When we hear it and obey, then we find that life begins to unfold as never before.

No, altruism is not a word nor deed or the sum thereof. It is the efficient use of generosity, community and organization with holistic implications and impacts on lives for the better.

Altruism, is the thread that holds the weave of everything.

June 11, 2010

New Look at Combat PTSD News Headquarters

Photo by Scott Lee
Hello Everyone!

Sitting here and want to dedicate this new look here at PASP, a redesigned mission required a redesigned website. We are gathering more forces and resources here at PASP I was getting overwhelmed with trying to keep track of it. Now, it is mostly finished. Polished enough to say WELCOME to PASP(1)'s new and redesigned look.

Its all about building on teamwork, information gathering, networking and pooling resources to institute a lasting foundation to help our loved ones who have returned in body return in spirit.

Don't panic! All the resources that I had plastered everywhere are still here. I moved them in the top right column under Resources and My Favorites. The PASP Resource Seal of Approval list the resources that I list as having effecting change on a social scale for veterans in their communities.
I love photography, so I am going to embark further upon my journalistic journey and will posting more of my photos. Interestingly enough, if you can believe it. I took this picture of the hand-seemed tin roof I put on this building 15 years ago, me and another guy over the summer. It will last 100 years.~~Scott
To those of you readers get this information from a feed, please if you find the information stimulating. Please, come to the site, its all new and join the conversation. We need your input to amass enough experience to help our returning veterans.


Photo by Scott A. Lee

June 7, 2010

Do We Ask a Combat Vet About His or Her Experiences?

PTSD, Boundaries and a Welcome Home

If someone asks you to do something that you do not feel comfortable with, do not, you have no higher obligation than the one you have to yourself. You will not be able to meet the needs of others if you do not take care of yourself first, even if it seems that others needs may outweigh yours. In combat we had to learn how to take care of everyone at the cost of ourselves if need be, today here in civilization this can no longer be, as this world does not work in the way of a brotherhood born of blood.

Most do not understand that a person with PTSD, through no choice of their own has to deal with phantoms of their past encroaching upon every consideration and choice we make. Some more so than others to the point of crippling indecision that can trigger dissociative states, emotional numbing, anger and even possible blind rage. If someone thinks that asking us about our war experiences to get to know us has no consequences other than polite conversation, then they do not see us at all.

We can think about nothing more, than what we experinced, saw and lost, we think greatly on the person who we used to be and want nothing more than to have that person back. We want to speak freely again of the things we used to dream about, but we have lost that part of us to. We consider ourselves to be the lucky ones who have somehow learned to suppress that part of the night, where the unlucky of us find the terrors of the dark as they can no longer fight these enemies who have no feel or flight.

The next time you consider addressing a soldier or veteran about their combat experiences, or asking them if they killed anyone, or what it was like over there, consider what you just read. We all need to maintain and respect proper boundaries. No need to feel intimidated either, if you feel the need to say something tell them this:

Welcome Home

February 27, 2010

A Warrior's Perspective on Honor

I received a request from Paul Allen, a Combat Veteran decorated with the Purple Heart to post a letter he has written. He states,

THE WARRIOR’S CODE OF HONOR
It was revised for the first and last time 11/6/09 on request from the CSRA Wounded Warrior Care Project, who's first step in giving care is to issue my Warrior’s Code to the wounded warrior. [The] CSRA Wounded Warrior Care Project of Augusta, GA says the Code drastically reduced the secret suicide rate before the revision, and now after the 11/6/09 two hundred word addition giving hope, I am told that it reduces the suicide rate even more.
Please read as it gives a powerful message to those who have fought and lived so that they may fight another day. From http://www.militarycodeofhonor.com/,
As a combat veteran wounded in one of America’s wars, I offer to speak for those who cannot.Were the mouths of my fallen front-line friends not stopped with dust, they would testify that life revolves around honor.

In war, it is understood that you give your word of honor to do your duty–that is–stand and fight instead of running away and deserting your friends. When you keep your word despite desperately desiring to flee the screaming hell all around, you earn honor.

Earning honor under fire changes who you are.The blast furnace of battle burns away impurities encrusting your soul.The white-hot forge of combat hammers you into a hardened, purified warrior willing to die rather than break your word to friends–your honor.

Combat is scary but exciting. You never feel so alive as when being shot at without result. You never feel so triumphant as when shooting back–with result. You never feel love so pure as that burned into your heart by friends willing to die to keep their word to you. And they do.
Read On as Paul delivers us his THE WARRIOR'S CODE...

November 10, 2009

PBS to Air Special on Supporting our Veterans

Tomorrow on Veterans Day PBS will air a special celebrating a group of senior citizens who honor us as a nation when the general public is busy about their lives. I will be representing my service to our country and honoring those who have fallen. I invite you to tune into PBS and watch.



On call 24 hours a day for the past five years, a group of senior citizens has made history by greeting nearly 900,000 American troops at a tiny airport in Bangor,Maine.The Way We Get By is an intimate look at three of these greeters as they confront the universal losses that come with aging and rediscover their reason for living. Bill Knight, Jerry Mundy and Joan Gaudet find the strength to overcome their personal battles and transform their lives through service. This inspirational and surprising story shatters the stereotypes of today's senior citizens as the greeters redefine the meaning of community (copied from email by PBS's Community Engagement and Outreach Assistant).
Our troops deserve every ounce of support.

The Way We Get By - Click to Watch the Trailer

August 23, 2009

Wife of a Combat Veteran Seeks Guidance

I received this email from a reader which touches on a common situation facing spouses of combat veterans. I have an understanding between myself and my Higher Power that he will send people my way and my part is to point out that they have been chosen to advance the cause of their personal experiences with respect to the dilemmas they face.

We as humans will be surprised at the depths of suffering we can survive and the heights in which we can prevail. I am always telling people, "You will be surprised at what you can do when faced with hardship and how much you can handle when given the right tools to succeed."

Her email,
I have spent hours reading your blog and trying to understand. I am proud of my husband…for what he did for our country. I am not proud of the hateful man he is now. I love him and will forever stand beside him, but can you give me any idea of where I, as the wife, can go to gain assistance with dealing with the insanity that comes with being married to a man with PTSD. I am at my wits end and tired of crying and trying to be strong and support him.
My response,
I would suggest that you get involved with some organizations that advocate for the family of combat veterans with PTSD. I am certain that women in your area have similar situations to find the support that you need. You cannot go through this alone, it will destroy you and your relationship with your husband. Does he want to seek help, or has he been receiving help? Either way if you want to remain sane throughout the process then get active in your life, find support, advocate for better care for our veterans and support for families. If you have a lack of organizations or support groups in your area then start one.

Think of this as an opportunity to advance the standard of care for our veterans and the support of the families. Keep researching to better understand your husband and to better understand your self in this situation and reactions to his behavior.

I believe that my experiences in life will serve a higher purpose and that I have been chosen by God to prepare myself to become a combat trauma therapist. With my unique insights from both sides of the prism of PTSD, I will be able to empathize and help my clients in such a way as to guide them out of the fog of war and into productive lives. Maybe, you have been chosen to do similar work to advance the cause of increasing awareness and support for spouses and families of combat veterans.

Do not forget that this has completely changed your life, now it is up to you to turn your experiences into a force for change.
  • Educate yourself to better understand your internal processes
  • Review your internal values and belief systems
  • Reevaluate your life's direction outside of work
  • Get involved with women of combat veterans
  • Find the inner warrior to combat the stigma, lack of care and understanding
  • Evaluate skills you possess and translate them to your life outside work
  • Begin to seek out your new path in life
If I left something out or you have more suggestions for our newfound friend, please post a comment.

August 11, 2009

Illuminating our Covenant Selves

I am thankful that God chose to reveal intimacy on a deeper level of meaning and understanding upon me. By honoring and conveying our intimate attachments throughout our day we strengthen this communion between ourselves, significant others and our spirituality. Carrying with us our intimate self and the connections with significant others we become an extension of said selves which allows us to illuminate this covenant.

August 7, 2009

Hey, By the Way I Ran into the Dope Man Today

Yesterday I was running some errands to get ready to spend the weekend with my girlfriend. After I had picked up a prescription from Wal-Mart I was sitting in my car when a guy walks up to me pointing like he had always done. I looked thinking what and was immediately thinking defensively. When I looked up I saw my old dope dealer and was surprised, so to be polite I got out of the car and talked with him for a minute.

We talked about people we used to hang with and if we had seen any of them, I replied no but had actually had seen some of them. I felt guarded with this guy, not wanting to give him to much information about me. He asked where I lived and responded with a general area. He asked me what I was doing today and I was proud to tell him I am in my senior year of college. He seemed surprised, but changed the subject quickly. He did mention that the college campus would be a great money maker, with all the partying going on. I asked him was he working and his reply was "Oh yeah, 7 days a week." He asked me if I still was hustling, code for do you want any drugs to sell and/or use. I was also proud to tell him that, no I do not. But, their was conflicting emotions and the lure of getting high again. The wheels where turning in my head, a voice was seductively saying,
You know he has some weed in his car, all you have to do was ask for it.
Another voice was reminding me of how far I had come, to get high was to give up the esteem that I have earned. I was reminded of the cirlce of frineds I have and how they play a part in my descion making skills today. That my friends today lift me up and inspire me to new heights; they encourage and challenge me. The conflicts I have today with my friends comes from love, not petty resentments from unmet needs and expectations. In that moment I realized a deeper appreciation and understanding of what friendship entails and how it impacts my life. The foundation I have built steadied my course and enabled me to tell myself no, to shut off the negative voices and drive away feeling blessed.

May 26, 2009

We Venerate our Fallen Soldiers

I received this in an email chain letter which I usually delete straight away. I will not forward chain letters and the only way I could reconcile this tenet was to post it here. I truly venerate our fallen soldiers and wanted to pass this along. I could not post yestersay as some days have a significant burden upon me.

The author is anonymous.




It is the VETERAN

not the preacher,

who has given us freedom of religion

It is the VETERAN

not the reporter,

who has given us freedom of the press

It is the VETERAN

not the poet,

who has given us freedom of speech

It is the VETERAN,

not the campus organizer,

who has given us freedom to assemble

It is the VETERAN

not the lawyer,

who has given us the right to a fair trial

It is the VETERAN

not the politician,

who has given us the right to vote





It is the VETERAN who salutes the Flag



ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD,

AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM.

We can be very proud of our men and women in the service no matter where they serve.

God Bless them all!!!

April 14, 2009

This is What I Thought to Say as He Walked Away

As some of you may know, I attend college at the University of Louisville. I park my car at the stadium parking lot and have to ride the bus to classes and back. When I climbed on the bus, in front of me I noticed a young man that had a Marine lanyard hanging out of his pocket. I wanted to tell him welcome home brother...But, I did not do so. Instantly my mind went to what I would say if he said his brother or sister was a marine...



This is what I thought to say as he walked away...

To all who lost a brother, sister, mother, father, son or daughter. Thank you for your sacrifice. Your continued devotion is not a hallow loss. You sustain their honor, to carry the torch of service to this great nation. By doing so you illuminate their enduring service to this country.

Your servicemember died for a cause they once believed. Carry this cause for they have laid down their lives so that you may battle on.

I will never forget you.

February 1, 2009

To The Soldier or Veteran Who Has Lost Their Way

I can understand and appreciate the precarious position you find yourself in. It can be a horrendous feeling to loose a powerful position such as being a soldier. Professions that hold a high public trust have plenty of prestige and respect as part of the package. The loss of identity tied to a vocation that commands an elevated sense of purpose due to a psychological malady can impinge upon the individual. The public can deny forever the stigma, we who live this know the doubt and disappointment in the eyes of former colleges and even strangers upon learning of the wounds received.

You deserve to be a complete person, to enjoy life, to find your true self, to be who you are. Your past life is a part of you, not who you are, just who you used to be. Mourn this loss, doing so can help you let go of your past personage. Look deep into self and find who you were meant to be, this can become an opportunity to explore and discover your destined path. When we take the journey God has laid for us, he will provide the opportunities to expand our composure and place those who comprise our spiritual communion of endeavor to assist us so.

Accept what has happened to you, take responsibility for your feelings, it is OK to feel the way you feel, you are not your feelings. You do not have to act upon your emotions, they are what they are, they are not you, but only a part of you.

Our illnesses and pain, physical or otherwise, seeks to hold us up inside of ourselves and our homes. This will only increase our grief. You will have your pain wherever you go, so go, do something for yourself. You have served and done your part, let others do the sacrificing, now you have your journey to begin.

I have found my former anguish to be a strength today, people who go through the fires of hell develop a unique set of skills. Beware for they can become a burden if we succumb and enmesh them within without transcending.

Find people that have had similar experiences, they have been waiting for you, they are there, look for them.

Integration of all our skill sets, beliefs, values and potentials entails a lifetime journey, the sooner we accept this the sooner we can embark. Reject nothing of yourself, for without all that you are, you cannot move forward and begin to find hope.

I am here for you, come back when you can.

January 30, 2009

PTSD-Where Does It Hurt?

I followed a comment to another blog and found this article by Peg at PegSpot. She is a Family Physician who has decided to branch out and take up creative writing. I heard her voice in this piece and felt it from within, I wanted to share this with you.

People speak of PTSD as if it were all the same.

"He fought in Iraq and now he has PTSD." End of story, as if those 4 little letters explain it all. Oh, yes, PTSD. Now we know what he's going through.

I don't believe it. Are all physical wounds the same? Of course not. You wouldn't say, "He had a fracture" and expect his suffering to be explained. There's a big difference between a fractured pinky and a fractured pelvis.

And what about a flesh wound? Well, there's flesh and then there's flesh. A suturable laceration in the leg, muscle-deep but no deeper, is worlds apart from a face half blown off, but both are "flesh wounds." The wounded person's experience is vastly different in these two scenarios.

Body parts matter when it comes to understanding wounds and healing. In the same way, I think mind parts matter when it comes to wounds of the psyche. I'm not talking necessarily about sections of the brain as an organ, although there is clearly correlation between the two, but about regions of the mind. What part was hurt? What coping pathway was railroaded? What belief system was shattered? What concept of self was blasted to smithereens? It matters.

When the body suffers a wound, it helps to know what weapon delivered the damage. What about the mind? What was the weapon, the injuring event, the final blow? We need to know. It helps assess and predict the damage. It makes a difference.

Finally, what about healing? If it is a wound of the body, do we suture? Splint and cast? Perform surgery, even, perhaps, amputate? Do we provide medicine, pills, creams, crutches? Not all treatments are equal, because not all wounds are equal. It's ludicrous to think otherwise.

So too wounds of the soul. What kind of healing is right for this crushed confidence? This lacerated faith? This broken, tender self? We can't treat them all the same, with the same drug cocktail, the same kind of therapy, even the same questions. It could be as bad as trying to sew a bone. Ineffective at best, at worst, deadly.

PTSD. The wounds are as individual as the wounded. We need to remember that.

My reply,
Peg, you have summed up the questions that riddles the horizon of the wound that of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. One can see the distant scene and tell a delineation has split the skyline, a horizontal demarcation subdividing the plane.

No two sunsets have the same qualities or appearance. Upon walking toward this vista we find it forever escaping us, we can reach out in desperation and try to grasp it to find our fingers full of emptiness.

Tis much the same when we who have PTSD know nothing of its name and wrestle within repudiation, ever wrenching whilst the slipknot of insanity strengthens its grasp.

January 29, 2009

PTSD Catharsis Channel Revisited

I have referred to this blog as my PTSD catharsis channel, a place to find absolution and communion. I have been receiving such thoughtful feedback lately. I wanted to thank everyone who has commented or emailed me. It helps to know that my message has been received and appreciated. I welcome all to comment and get involved with my quest for advocacy.

Today I have a place to let out my pain and I have a great support system of people who care and have an awareness of where I am in life today. I attend therapy every three weeks and have a caring and loving partner, she has a unique empathy and understanding.

As to my catharsis, sometimes when I write here I have major revelations about myself that I never recognized in the past. Such as the

…unconsciously reformed that attachment on the one thing that I could take home with me, my guilt. In losing my squad-selves and my subsequent identifying with the enemy soldiers, I unwittingly formed a festoon of guilt and hung it upon my soul (I Was the Driver..., para. 3).

Man, that was never something that I had connected with, my guilt of 18 years that had attachments to the lost souls of the enemy fallen. Heavy, heavy shit man. I will be talking to my therapist about that one for sure.

There was a time when I wish that this had not happened to me, but today I know that God has a plan for me and my experiences where not in vain. My purpose has revealed itself to me from my past and illuminates my path. Today I know my life's mission and would not want it any other way. To help others who have been where I have been and assist them in achieving self awareness and a higher quality of life.

January 26, 2009

To Ignore Our Humanity is Deal in Death and Destruction

We live in a world society that dissects everything into an dichotomous orgy of categorical righteous indignation. We deny that everywhere we look and see a negative, that sitting there staring back at us is a positive. The higher order of existence has no separation of right-wrong, black-white, justice-injustice, and evil or purity. What we have in all its glory, the human experience. To ignore this facet of our humanity is to deal in death and destruction while ignoring the whole truth and reality of our shared existence.

I know of this experience, I lived it for years. I had to separate my humanity from my higher self, to do what needed to be done in the moment and I remained there for over 15 years. I was taught the negative half of these lessons and had to learn the rest through the fiery forge of exposure from a warriors perspective.

What I was not taught was how to reintegrate that which had been torn asunder. It felt as if I had burned away all that was me and had in its place a hollow shell of guilt and remorse. A facade of contempt and bitterness that saw no more reason or rhyme, only absurdity and no other reason to live.

For so long I concentrated on all the shit my war had caused me while I assumed a negatively slanted unipolar view of the world. For so long I failed to see that I could use my experiences to help others. I was so caught up in anger, resentments and hate that I could not see or even try and hear that some good had come from my combat experiences.

I would not be the man I am today without having witnessed and participated in situations of extreme stress. As I see it today, I could never have found my purpose in life had God not chose to have me where I may suffer. I feel as though my trauma filled life has been in preparation for the battle to come. Waking America up to the realities of modern warfare and the mental health epidemic that our veterans will come to face in the next 20 years.