We live in a world society that dissects everything into an dichotomous orgy of categorical righteous indignation. We deny that everywhere we look and see a negative, that sitting there staring back at us is a positive. The higher order of existence has no separation of right-wrong, black-white, justice-injustice, and evil or purity. What we have in all its glory, the human experience. To ignore this facet of our humanity is to deal in death and destruction while ignoring the whole truth and reality of our shared existence.
I know of this experience, I lived it for years. I had to separate my humanity from my higher self, to do what needed to be done in the moment and I remained there for over 15 years. I was taught the negative half of these lessons and had to learn the rest through the fiery forge of exposure from a warriors perspective.
What I was not taught was how to reintegrate that which had been torn asunder. It felt as if I had burned away all that was me and had in its place a hollow shell of guilt and remorse. A facade of contempt and bitterness that saw no more reason or rhyme, only absurdity and no other reason to live.
For so long I concentrated on all the shit my war had caused me while I assumed a negatively slanted unipolar view of the world. For so long I failed to see that I could use my experiences to help others. I was so caught up in anger, resentments and hate that I could not see or even try and hear that some good had come from my combat experiences.
I would not be the man I am today without having witnessed and participated in situations of extreme stress. As I see it today, I could never have found my purpose in life had God not chose to have me where I may suffer.
I feel as though my trauma filled life has been in preparation for the battle to come. Waking America up to the realities of modern warfare and the mental health epidemic that our veterans will come to face in the next 20 years.
I have been reading your blog all evening. I am so glad to have found it! Thank you so much for your frankness and insight. Your ability to see clearly, to learn and heal, and share it all will surely help others heal. Best to you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Peg, I will keep writing as I do not think that I can quit.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'd say that writing, especially honest exploratory writing, is one of those habits it's okay NOT to quit!
ReplyDeleteI do not think that I could if I trued. Actually, I tried in December (a much needed break) and started having withdrawals.
ReplyDeleteExcellent writing, please keep it going. I know some of what you must be going through, I was medically retired from my police dept in Australia (Western Australia Police) after many years of service, including various commendations. I had thought the dept would take care of me if I ever fell ill or was injured. Not so. The general rule is they gloss over your illness/injuries and dump you when it suits them. My state police dept is the only one in the entire country which has absolutely nothing in the way of after service medical or financial compensation. You are out on your own, WITH all your illnesses & injuries. I'm still trying to figure it out, even after having to sell my house & loss of marriage etc due to financial, psychological and physical problems arising from my duty served.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jerry, I can understand and appreciate the precarious position you find yourself in. It can be a horrendous feeling to loose a powerful position such as being a police officer or soldier.
ReplyDeleteProfessions that hold a high public trust have plenty of prestige and respect as part of the package. The loss of identity tied to a vocation that commands an elevated sense of purpose due to a psychological malady can impinge upon the individual. The public can deny forever the stigma, we who live this know the doubt and disappointment in the eyes of former colleges and even strangers.
Jerry, you deserve to be a complete person, to enjoy life, to find your true self, be who you are. Your past life is a part of you, not who you are, just who you used to be. Mourn this loss, doing so can help you let go of your past personage. Then find who you were supposed to be, he is there look deep, look at this as an opportunity to explore and discover your destined path. When we take the journey God has laid for us, he will provide the opportunities to expand our composure and place those who comprise our spiritual communion of endeavor to assist us so.
Accept what has happened to you, take responsibility for your feelings, it is OK to feel the way you feel, you are not your feelings. You do not have to act upon your emotions, they are what they are, they are not you only a part of you.
Our illnesses and pain, physical or otherwise, seeks to hold us up inside of ourselves and our homes. This will only increase our grief. You will have your pain wherever you go, so go, do something for yourself.
I have found my former anguish to be a strength today, people who go through the fires of hell develop a unique set of skills. Beware for they can become a burden if we succumb and enmesh them within without transcending.
Find people that have had similar experiences, they have been waiting for you, they are there, look for them.
Integration of all our skill sets, beliefs, values and potentials entails a lifetime journey, the sooner we accept this the sooner we can embark.
I am here for you Jerry, come back when you can.
Thank you RG for your kind reply and also by the looks of it, made it into a new blog heading! I will continue to visit your site, and will pass it on to others as well. Please have a look at our website when you have a free moment, leave a message if you wish! Best regards, J.
ReplyDeleteWebsite didn't come up with my name, here it is http://www.rmuwapol.org
ReplyDeleteSeveral posts have germinated in much the same way. Conversations in the comments section and through emails have inspired some of my best writing. Thank you for relaying my blog to others and your continued reading.
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