Live Honoring America's Fallen

By CJ Crisham


As you can tell, I haven't been writing a lot lately. To tell the truth, I haven't really felt like it. But, I've also been busy with a training week. We worked through the past two weekends and I'm REALLY looking forward to this Saturday for my first day off in a few weeks. I'm not complaining though. Guys in Iraq and Afghanistan go months without a day off.

Today, I had my second appointment with my psychologist. Originally, he was going to complete a command assessment, but I have to go to another post in Georgia for that. Not really sure why and neither is my doc. But, I'll do whatever it takes. The road time will be much needed.

What I don't want to turn this blog into is a constant repetition of PTSD issues. There's a lot going in the military and national security world that needs to be talked about – like the release of GITMO detainee Mohammed Jawad to Afghanistan. Jawad is accused of attacking two American soldiers and their Afghani translator in Afghanistan in 2002 by tossing a grenade at them. Instead of getting myself all wrapped up in that, I'll publish what Vets For Freedom Chairman, Pete Hegseth, said about the release since I agree with him on this:

The lives of our troops and the safety of our nation should be of paramount concern to the Obama Administration, not an afterthought. Today’s decision to release yet another trained terrorist shows a lack of consideration for the risks our war-fighters take to help bring insurgents and terrorists to justice.

Jawad’s treatment as a prisoner was unfortunate. However, his treatment does not exonerate him from throwing a grenade at American troops. America cannot afford to have terrorists released back to the battlefield and rejoining the fight to kill Soldiers and Marines, all for the purpose of appeasing a campaign promise.

Having served at Guantanamo Bay and in Iraq, I witnessed the cause of radical Islamists on two vital fronts. I saw how my fellow soldiers risked their lives in battle to capture these terrorists and the hard work and professionalism it took to hold them at Guantanamo Bay. Additional releases such as this will make the continuing mission of our troops far more dangerous and deadly.

Anyway, I've been officially diagnosed with PTSD, something I wasn't exactly happy about. Why? I just want to go on living my life. I've been pretending nothing is wrong with me for years and suddenly there's a name attached to it. I spoke with my doc today about anxiety, anger, stress, and depression. I won't go into all the details, but wanted to focus on something he told me just before we ended.

What is the leading cause of PTSD in civilians in America? It's an interesting question because most people don't think about PTSD as a civilian issue. Yet, it is. The difference is in how civilians deal with it. The number one cause of PTSD in civilians is a car crash. Yet, most people don't exhibit signs of PTSD. Why is that? When a civilian survives a catastrophic event like a violent car wreck, they still need to get places. They get a new or used car to replace the wrecked one and continue on with their lives. It's hard at first, especially when they see similar cars to the one they were driving in or the one with which they crashed. Or when they pass the location where the wreck took place.

However they do it, the fact that they continue to face their fears of driving out of necessity helps them to overcome the root causes of PTSD. Eventually, they learn not to be afraid of driving because they are doing it so much without incident and their symptoms slowly disappear. So, I told him, the answer is simple. I just need to go back to Iraq, right? No. I need to confront those events (or spikes) that have contributed to my PTSD. How can I do that? The same way I did it when I started this blog five years ago – by writing.

I've published an edited version of my journal before, but I've never written about those events in detail and some I didn't publish at all. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that publicly or if I even want to, but I've decided to write my experiences down privately. One day, like my journal, I hope to publish it for others to read and identify or find solace with.

So, CJ, what's with the title? I have a LOT of survivor's guilt that I've lived with for years. I ask that question often about why did I come home? If there is a purpose behind it, have I served that purpose already? If so, then what? That's a lot of pressure I've put on myself. All I can do is follow the advice of the magnet I keep on back of my van: "Live Honoring America's Fallen."

Seeking Help is Not a Weakness

By CJ Grisham


I guess I could call this part III of my recovery. Earlier, I wrote about how I've been wrestling with inner turmoil for quite some time. I think I've largely been winning, but wrestling nonetheless (I was a wrestler in high school, so that may be helping). Throughout the years, I've learned how to cope with the hardest parts and other parts were no big deal.

Last week, I went to my first appointment with a local psychologist. My intent isn't to necessarily bare my soul here. It was hard enough to do in that office. My intent is to be an example to others that may be dealing with issues related to their combat experiences that they may be hiding.

The Army DOD has made it clear that they are trying to remove the stigma related to PTSD. It's a fundamental shift in attitude and mentality that must occur from the top down in order for it to be effective. A few weeks ago, I spoke with one of the assistants to General Chiarelli who is a LTC. She told me her experiences with PTSD which are encouraging considering that she is a Field Grade officer. She was likewise nervous about "coming out" about her PTSD issues.

I also don't want to get into this stupid debate about "you were only a signal guy or an MI guy, what are you so screwed up about?" Getting shot at, mortared, or having an IED blow up beside your truck doesn't care what MOS you hold. It affects us all differently. And, yes, there are some people simply looking for sympathy or a handout with claims of PTSD, but those will get flushed out in due time. PTSD is not an easy thing to fake, I would think. Maybe I'm wrong.

The bottom line is that I'm a senior NCO in the Army who takes an active role in his Soldiers' and civilians' lives. I impress upon them the importance of taking care of themselves. I've discussed suicide prevention and PTSD with them till I was blue in the face. But, all of that means nothing if I can't lead by example. How can I convince these troops to seek help and not worry about their clearances or jobs while inside I'm ignoring my own advice.

For over six years, my wife has endured uncomfortable nights of sleep while the man next her jerks, flails, tosses, and turns all night long while feeling powerless to help. I've woken up too many nights to an empty bed because it's easier for her to sleep on the couch instead of waking me up from the little sleep I'm able to scrounge up at night.

For over six years, Emily has learned to recognize when my inner temper is flaring up; to pull me aside before I absolutely explode or lash out. I'm not a physically abusive father, but I lose my temper too easily with my kids. The little things that are just the dumbest excuses in the world will set me off. Later, I just feel like the biggest ass because something so small as not closing a door or leaving something on the stairs sets me off.

I struggle with a deep sense of failure that my kids don't feel like they can come to me with their problems because my response is usually "suck it up and deal with it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." What a weak response and utter lack of love and compassion for a father to have towards kids who are learning to cope with life! It pierces my very soul when my kids are calling for mom and when she isn't around I ask what they need. Instead of telling me what is bothering them, they say they don't want to tell me because I'll "just get mad at them."

Regardless of whether or not I wanted to set an example for those Soldiers out there reading this that are going through the same thing, I NEED to find my family again. My issues have caused them to adjust their lives as much as mine. They have had to alter how they speak to me or behave around me. The families are just as much affected by PTSD as the Soldier who is afflicted with it. They cannot be forgotten.

Probably one of the factors that helped me cope these past few years is patience and love. The patience and love provided by wife and kids has been met with constant apathy. But, I've made the decision to finally allow that patience to pay off. My family is more important to me than anything in this life except my God. Even if the Army weren't serious about legitimately helping troops and wanted to use this to ruin my career, I simply don't care.

The good news is that the Army IS serious about this. Secretary Gates has put in black and white in no uncertain terms that seeking mental help will NOT affect your clearance. Seeking help with mental issues is NOT a weakness. Walking into that building last week and being surrounded by junior troops was a LOT harder than simply continuing through life hoping I live to see my grandchildren. Baring my soul to a complete stranger wasn't exactly on my list of the funnest things to do in life. But, it had to be done.

So far, I think I've had good command support. I am being given the time I need to navigate this road to recovery and normalcy. They have shown me that they understand the Army's intent. To be honest, I wasn't so sure at first. And only time will tell, but I'm convinced so far that I didn't make the wrong decision, as least as far as my career goes. And I honestly believe the Army wants to help us get through this the best way possible.

One Step at a Time

By CJ Grisham


For those that listen to our You Served Radio Show each Thursday evening, you probably missed an announcement I made at the end. Our interview with General Chiarelli went long so those listening live probably didn't catch it unless they went back and listened to the archives.

I've been noticeably missing the past week or so for a number of reasons. Not the least of which is Army business, but I can't blame it all on work. At the end of the show, I publicly admitted that I'm having issues dealing with life. Not in the sense of ending it, but just coping and interpersonal issues. I consider admitting that I have a problem phase I of my new recovery.

Last week, my company completed Phase II of the Army's Suicide Prevention program. We watched the video, "Shoulder To Shoulder: No Soldier Stands Alone" (I'll have it uploaded later) and then discussed some scenarios afterwords. When the training was complete, I sat down with my Soldiers to talk them face to face about what we had just trained on. I explained to them that NOTHING in this life – nothing in this Army – is worth taking your own life for. Life sucks…a LOT. But, it's never so bad that you should end your life.

I explained that in my experience there is a common thread to people who want to commit suicide. Almost without fail, the inner thought of suicidal people is that "life [for others] would be better without me." Or, "I'm inconsequential." A common goal of suicide is to easy the burden of one's life on other people. What they don't realize is that suicide only compounds the burden's on other people. The only thing it ends is that individual's problems while placing those problems in the hands of someone else. I looked my Soldiers in the eye and told them from the heart that I and the commander are there for them if they EVER feel like life is too burdensome to continue. We will not chastise them, mock them, make light of their situation, or try to convince them that their problems aren't real. We will do everything within our power to help them overcome whatever in their life is causing them pain and anguish.

I then explained that seeking that help, either from us or real professionals, is not a sign of weakness. I talked about my conversation with General Chiarelli and the Army's commitment to ending the stigma that has historically been attached to seeking mental health counseling. To lend credibility to what I had just told them, I entered phase II of my recovery – telling my Soldiers that I am seeking counseling. For far too long since returning from Iraq, people both inside and outside of the military have sort of hinted to me that I should seek help. My lovely wife has mentioned it a few times, sometimes joking for fear of offending me. Even my Command Sergeant Major suggested I seek professional help when he spoke to me about my IG complaint. I met each suggestion with either humor, disinterest, ambivalence, or anger depending on whom was telling me. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine. You're crazy for even suggesting such a thing. Haha, that's funny.

As most of you know, I started this blog as self-medication. It worked for a few years, but I'm not sure what's happened in recent months and years. Perhaps it's the physical pain I've been in for more than six years now. Maybe it's the accumulated lack of sleep that is catching up to me. Maybe there really is nothing wrong and I'm just really tired! Whatever it is, my behavior has changed and it sort of scares me.

I am always tired. No matter how long I "sleep," I NEVER wake up rested. I toss and turn throughout the night. I lie awake for hours enjoying the company of the beautiful woman beside, soundly sleeping. Sometimes, I get up and walk around the house or surf the internet. I'm not willing to get specific about the things keeping me awake at night publicly, but it's a combination of bad dreams, everyday stresses, and physical discomfort. I have a prescription to Vicodin for nights that I can't sleep through the pain that I rarely take. I'm afraid to get addicted to the pills if I take them every time I need them. A bottle typically lasts me about six to eight months. But, when I take them I keep Emily awake. Sometimes, they even keep me awake. I'm not in pain, but they make me itch.

I'm not comfortable being around people. I'm not the social butterfly I pretend to be anymore. This year's Milblog Conference was the most uncomfortable I've been in years. I used to love being the center of attention of making an ass out of myself. I don't like doing anything anymore. I hate leaving the house and when I do, I make sure I'm always armed. There's a sense of impending doom just walking out my front door. To at least get me out and about, I've turned to geocaching. It's something I can alone or with my family. It keeps me moving, but I don't have pay for anything or worry about large crowds.  Even when I went to the Tea Parties, I tried to keep mostly to myself and not draw attention.
That is what is so great about the internet. I can have all these friends and be in the company of hundreds of people and I feel perfectly fine. The problem is that I've made a lot of GREAT friends online that I truly love, respect and admire. Yet, I dread the eventuality of being social except with certain people. That tends to push people away or cause them to think that they've somehow done something wrong or that they aren't important to me which is completely untrue. I don't even like hanging out with my own family! My sister just finished a visit and I felt so distant the whole time.

One of the things that keeps me up at night is the fact that I expend a LOT of energy trying to keep my life in order. For many years I've had memory issues and it's gotten much worse lately. I have to write EVERYTHING down or I forget it. I'm not talking about complicated things or detailed things, I'm talking about virtually everything. I forget meetings, appointments, names, faces, promises made, places I've been, things I've done or not done, etc. The list literally goes on and on. It's frustrating because I used to be a virtual encyclopedia of information. Now I have to strain to remember anything.
There's nothing more frustrating than when my commander asks me a question about a Soldier's issue that I know about, but need to check my notes to brief. Hell, I even forget which Soldiers are at which field offices and I've been doing this for nearly two years!! Every day I come into my office, I open up my "go book" that I recently created and read through the list of offices and the troops located there so I don't forget. I used to be able to spout out with ease when someone was ETSing, in their promotion window, having a birthday, etc. I knew their family members' names and had them committed to memory. Now I'm lucky if I can get my own nieces and nephews' names right. I don't know if this is a result of stress or all the wonderful, cool explosions I had the pleasure of sitting through, but it's the one thing that I probably spend the most time trying to combat!

There is a bright side to all this. In my quest to deflect the attention I receive, I work hard to draw attention to other, more worthy, individuals. Instead of worrying about myself, I can put all my energy into worrying about my troops and making sure that their achievements are recognized. I try to focus on those injured or killed in combat. They deserve to be recognized for what they've sacrificed for their country.

Why am I writing all of this? Well, for the same reason I started this blog – to get it off my chest. To "tell someone without having to tell anyone." It makes me feel better – a little. The last thing I want/need is sympathy or people feeling sorry for me. I'm no victim here! I don't want special attention, help, or pawing. I don't need pats on the back and I don't want to be a poster child. I don't want money, congressional testimony, or the support of VoteVets or IVAW who want to politicize these issues. I want other Soldiers to realize that the Army is serious about removing the stigma. I have a problem! And I'm still "Army Strong" in spite of it! Don't believe me? Screw up and I'll still nail your arse to the wall and start shooting darts. I'll still put you in the front leaning rest for a decade or "until I get tired." I can still pass my PT test, qualify expert on my weapon, and meet my daily suspenses (thanks to Outlook's "tasks" function).

There's nothing weak about me because I'm having these issues. I can still lead by example, accomplish the mission, and take care of my Soldiers. And if my Soldiers feel like they can't trust me or serve under me, tough! Suck it up until your ETS or call your branch manager and get the hell out of here. Thankfully, I have good Soldiers who embody the Warrior Ethos and Army Values. They see that I'm still very much in control as "Top."

The stigma is hereby dead. I challenge all leaders to understand this and apply it where they can. Our troops need to understand that there is nothing weak about seeking help. I know because it has been much harder to acknowledge these issues than to hide them. It's been a lot harder knowing I may very well be ending my career by admitting that I'm not all there mentally. Talking about this now after 15+ years – and prior to being eligible for retirement benefits – is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. I am, but I trust the Army on its word and I'm challenging that mentality. And as I do so, I will be documenting most of my progress here. There are still a great many issues I will probably never feel comfortable talking about, but I owe to others out there that may be trying to hide their problems for fear of losing their jobs or risking their reputation. I need to lead by example. And if I can do it, so can you!

Now, I'm gonna go get some sleep and enjoy the rest of my vacation. I'll be leaving my cell phone in the room tomorrow so I can really relax!

If You Need Help Ask For It

By CJ Grisham


I then explained that seeking that help, either from us or real professionals, is not a sign of weakness. I talked about my conversation with General Chiarelli and the Army's commitment to ending the stigma that has historically been attached to seeking mental health counseling. To lend credibility to what I had just told them, I entered phase II of my recovery – telling my Soldiers that I am seeking counseling. For far too long since returning from Iraq, people both inside and outside of the military have sort of hinted to me that I should seek help. My lovely wife has mentioned it a few times, sometimes joking for fear of offending me. Even my Command Sergeant Major suggested I seek professional help when he spoke to me about my IG complaint. I met each suggestion with either humor, disinterest, ambivalence, or anger depending on whom was telling me. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine. You're crazy for even suggesting such a thing. Haha, that's funny.

As most of you know, I started this blog as self-medication. It worked for a few years, but I'm not sure what's happened in recent months and years. Perhaps it's the physical pain I've been in for more than six years now. Maybe it's the accumulated lack of sleep that is catching up to me. Maybe there really is nothing wrong and I'm just really tired! Whatever it is, my behavior has changed and it sort of scares me.

I am always tired. No matter how long I "sleep," I NEVER wake up rested. I toss and turn throughout the night. I lie awake for hours enjoying the company of the beautiful woman beside, soundly sleeping. Sometimes, I get up and walk around the house or surf the internet. I'm not willing to get specific about the things keeping me awake at night publicly, but it's a combination of bad dreams, everyday stresses, and physical discomfort. I have a prescription to Vicodin for nights that I can't sleep through the pain that I rarely take. I'm afraid to get addicted to the pills if I take them every time I need them. A bottle typically lasts me about six to eight months. But, when I take them I keep Emily awake. Sometimes, they even keep me awake. I'm not in pain, but they make me itch.

I'm not comfortable being around people. I'm not the social butterfly I pretend to be anymore. This year's Milblog Conference was the most uncomfortable I've been in years. I used to love being the center of attention of making an ass out of myself. I don't like doing anything anymore. I hate leaving the house and when I do, I make sure I'm always armed. There's a sense of impending doom just walking out my front door. To at least get me out and about, I've turned to geocaching. It's something I can alone or with my family. It keeps me moving, but I don't have pay for anything or worry about large crowds. Even when I went to the Tea Parties, I tried to keep mostly to myself and not draw attention.