Combat Veterans Bring the Monster of War Home: The Story of SGT Travis Triggs

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Welcome home my brothers and sisters, welcome home. Thank you for your service and continuing sacrifices. I pray that you have a blessed Veterans Day. Below I mention Sgt. Travis Triggs who had lost his way home from spiritual and mental wounds of war. Sgt. Triggs is fast becoming the norm when counting the revolving doors and tours of duty. Imagine having lived through the horrors of war and in going home knowing that in all probability you will run with death again.

How would you release the demon raging in your mind?

I was just reading about Sgt. Travis Triggs again, for those that do not know who I am talking about he was the soldier who had 5, yes FIVE tours of combat, that shot himself and his brother in the head after a police car chase. He went to Iraq 4 times and Afghanistan once. He had never been in trouble before that day even though the media had portrayed them both as having violent criminal histories. Sgt. Triggs volunteered for the extra deployments,

My symptoms went away. After all, I was going back to the fight, back to shared adversity, where the tempo is high and our adrenaline pulses through our veins like hot blood (as cited in Times Online, November 23, 2008).

The article gives an account of a lost soul that had left everything over in a far away land where the blood runs thick as the bonds of brotherhood. He had assumed a culture of killing and the persona of a "combat self," a subsumption of the "Soldier's Heart," shedding all of the remnants of his civilian identity and connections to self and home. He had become the perfect soldier, much too perfect.

There is disconnection between everything that is human and the necessities of killing and what has to be done in combat. Imagine being in an unimaginable situation and having to do the unthinkable. How can this be done? A disconnection between everything human and having to do the unimaginable resounds in combat. For we must wholly demonize our adversary and in the process we dehumanize ourselves, whereas the monster must die. A neurological reprogramming engaging dissociative states and a compartmentalization splitting. In doing so some veterans and soldiers lose their way, not only on the inside of our mind but now they become outsiders in society. Everything at home had become foreign to him, he had become lost within a once comfortable environment.

The parallel contrasts to my article on identity and dissociation and Sgt. Triggs? On the night where I had lost myself into psychosis, if the police had shown up, or if someone had confronted me on my abnormal behavior, it would had became real and the psychotic break would have been complete. I was convinced that everyone was out to get me and I would have responded with violence to "protect" myself due to a warped conception of a perceived threat.

I ran out of that house and jumped into my car and drove away; drunk, high and out of my mind. Easily I could have been in an incident that probably would have resulted in a similar outcome. My death, an innocent bystander and possibly the police.

To survive war is not a relief, it is a sentence of grief, guilt, pain and shame from killing and surviving.

Let me ask again, How would you release the demon raging in your mind?

Soldiers, Guilt, Grief, Killing and Survival

In the last few posts I have been reposting some writings with a central theme. What a combat veteran goes through after returning from the battlefield, what we bring home to our families and communities. Below I discuss an identification with the crippling guilt that had blocked access to fully realizing my memories. Years after combat I could not remember most of what I had witnessed, but wished I could forget the guilt and self-condemnation haunting me. I demonized my enemy and in doing so lost my humanity.

I was writing about the "troop organism" and the squad mentality in my last paper. This line of inquiry took me back to a time when I felt totality, never since have I been more alive. A complete sense of unity, an omnipresence with my squad so whole within my surroundings, including the enemy we snuffed, especially those souls. I carry them today; the weight of such suffering that I now hold within. I have a sense of responsibility to those lives we took, I hold such guilt that at times it overwhelms me to the point of incapacitation.

My surviving has had such an impact on my life that many times I find myself not being worthy of having survived, and I know that this thought is not rational, but at times I cannot shake it. Many times in my life I thought of killing myself because of the crushing guilt, all due to my survival and inability to put behind me these thoughts of incompleteness.

Thinking back now, I feel that the absence of the completeness I felt back in 1991 coupled with the guilt of surviving have combined to form a disorganized attachment to the soldiers that we killed. In losing my attachment to the troop-organism, I unconsciously reformed that attachment on the one thing that I could take home with me, my guilt. In losing my squad-selves and my subsequent identifying with the enemy soldiers, I unwittingly formed a festoon of guilt and hung it upon my soul.

I know that they were the enemy, it was kill or be killed...But my God, when we were shooting and hitting them I saw their tanks and vehicles blowing up in grand fashion, it seemed so beautiful. I remember the sight was so awe inspiring, the turrets flipping end over end, fire spraying upwards to a hundred feet. I could feel in the back of my mind, my humanity, trying to tell me that there were people in those tanks. My mind tried to tell that I could actually see the bodies felling over and over, within the upwelling of fire...no, no that cannot be...I was too far from them to actually see. So I told myself.< The reality set in when we saw the charred remains of the vehicles and realizing that no one could have lived through that. I remember trying not to think of my vehicle getting hit like that. The guilt began to creep up on me when we saw the pitiful encampments of the regular soldiers; we saw their food stocks...rice and rotting tomatoes...nothing more, and little of that. We joked of how we were glad to be on our side, again I felt the little bit of guilt niggling at me to witness and take in what we saw. Today, I carry the guilt of thousands of soldiers who lost their lives to the meat grinder of the US Army by way of the M1A1 Abrams Main Battle tank sabot rounds, of the Apache helicopter hellfire missiles, the 30mm A10 Warthog Gatling guns, multiple launch rocket systems and the 105 mm howitzer to name a few. To find out how bravely the Iraqi Republican Guard units fought against an over whelming foe, follow this link (then click on "correcting myths").

I still chase that sense of totality...I was the driver, on point for the division, so I saw it all.

A Combat Veteran Struggles with Leaving the Ethics of War Behind

Soldiers and veterans with full blown PTSD usually have low personal self-esteem, a self-constructed foundation of self-affirmations grounded in positive thought, word and deeds, reinforced through values and principles. Esteem manifests in an outward appearance of honor and moral mastery, integrity and humility as others would know a consistency of character established through words, deed and actions. Where all of these principles were meet and mastered in the field of battle they no longer apply to a civilian life or civil society.

The combat schema, a defined preconditioned set of beliefs and values enabling the warrior to navigate efficiently through the adversity of combat without a detailed consideration of consequences. To engage in a mortal fight with the enemy this schema spells out our actions in a given situation as being preoccupied with survivability of the moment can get you killed. The warrior with PTSD has grown accustomed to the value and belief systems of war and feels threatened when they become faced with having to let go of this security to reintegrate back into society.

Without a proper identification of values and a conceptualization of a solid schema we can become lost to the reality of a situation and possibly lose out on our interactions necessary for relationship building. Combat critically changes our value systems, mostly to the detriment of constructing and maintaining significant relationships with family and friends. A disconnect happens between the soldier or veteran that leaves everyone feeling as though an insurmountable wall has been erected.

By an identification of values, along with acknowledging and deconstructing the combat schema one could find the ability to critically analyze in the moment, the validity of said beliefs as required by situational reflection enabling readjustments and disallowing an inflexibility of position. An underpinning of empowering schema and a reevaluation of ethical morality allows one to find plasticity in the moment producing a positive self-efficacy; a confident and self-assured person.

Societal Norms Implore Expected Public Behavior: Implications for Veterans & Soldiers

I cross posted my last article over at A Soldier's Perspective (a totally different site that I contribute on combat PTSD) and recieved this comment:

I'm generally not a stupid guy, so I've never done anything like that kid. I'm not trying to condone it either.

But I wonder; with military gear/paraphernalia so much in style amongst civilians these days(at least here in NYC), isn't there a legitimate question whether the wearer earned the badges or not? Keep in mind that civilians can't tell between a real one and a copy.

How do you guys feel about the fashion trend in general?

My response:

...I personally do not have anything against people wearing military style clothing.

I would say that yes, there is a legitimate question as to whether the wearer earned a badge, ribbon, etc.

I quote myself;

"If you see a person in public with military clothes on, a hat or something that signifies that they were in the military. Do yourself a favor and do not ask him or her about medals, badges, or any insignia they may have displayed right away, especially in a negative way. Tell them welcome home, and then gauge their reaction and if they want to talk to you they may open up some. But, do not take this as an invitation to ask personal information. Our military experiences have an extremely sacred and personal compartment in our minds and hearts that we place them in. Many of us do not even tell our wives, family or friends about what we did or saw."

Men or women who have been in combat generally do not want to talk about their experiences. To them it is a deeply personal part of their lives that they do not wish to share, especially someone they do not know. Combat and killing another human being is the most intimate act one can have with another human. Probably more so than making love to your significant other. Do you talk openly to someone you do not know if they ask you do you have sex with them? Obviously no, the question is taboo.

A societal norm is expected behavior when out in public, and talking about your sex life is generally looked down on in polite company, and especially rude to ask when in passing company. The same holds true to asking someone, probably more so, if they earned their decorations or if they killed anyone.

My message here is that it is rude and insensitive to the soldier or veteran to ask them if they earned their military decorations. Many of us combat veterans have an extremely difficult issue with trusting anyone, even loved ones who we fully felt fidelity before combat.

The answer to your question is that your question would better be left unsaid. If you truly want to talk to a veteran or soldier about their experiences, broach the subject in an empathetic way. First tell them "welcome home" this will probably bring their guard down somewhat. When we come home many of us feel as though we have returned to a foreign land, as though we do not belong anymore.

If you come upon someone you feel as though they may not own the right to wear military decorations. Consider this, we have young soldiers and veterans who are 18 and 19 that have been on multiple tours and have seen more combat than most other wars, including WWII.

Upwards of 90-94% of our troops in Iraq have been shot at, seen someone killed or have been in a combat situation. 68% have actually engaged the enemy where only 40% of the people who actually have the job description of combat arms or killing. In this war we have women fighting and killing the enemy, over 100 women have been killed in combat.

So, when you doubt if someone is old enough or "looks" as though they did not earn their awards. I would suggest to ask yourself these questions pondered here

To The Soldier or Veteran Who Has Lost Their Way

I can understand and appreciate the precarious position you find yourself in. It can be a horrendous feeling to loose a powerful position such as being a soldier. Professions that hold a high public trust have plenty of prestige and respect as part of the package. The loss of identity tied to a vocation that commands an elevated sense of purpose due to a psychological malady can impinge upon the individual. The public can deny forever the stigma, we who live this know the doubt and disappointment in the eyes of former colleges and even strangers upon learning of the wounds received.

You deserve to be a complete person, to enjoy life, to find your true self, to be who you are. Your past life is a part of you, not who you are, just who you used to be. Mourn this loss, doing so can help you let go of your past personage. Look deep into self and find who you were meant to be, this can become an opportunity to explore and discover your destined path. When we take the journey God has laid for us, he will provide the opportunities to expand our composure and place those who comprise our spiritual communion of endeavor to assist us so.

Accept what has happened to you, take responsibility for your feelings, it is OK to feel the way you feel, you are not your feelings. You do not have to act upon your emotions, they are what they are, they are not you, but only a part of you.

Our illnesses and pain, physical or otherwise, seeks to hold us up inside of ourselves and our homes. This will only increase our grief. You will have your pain wherever you go, so go, do something for yourself. You have served and done your part, let others do the sacrificing, now you have your journey to begin.

I have found my former anguish to be a strength today, people who go through the fires of hell develop a unique set of skills. Beware for they can become a burden if we succumb and enmesh them within without transcending.

Find people that have had similar experiences, they have been waiting for you, they are there, look for them.

Integration of all our skill sets, beliefs, values and potentials entails a lifetime journey, the sooner we accept this the sooner we can embark. Reject nothing of yourself, for without all that you are, you cannot move forward and begin to find hope.

I am here for you, come back when you can.

Statistics, Effects and the Realities of Multiple Deployments

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If you found this site looking for combat PTSD statistics you have hit the jackpot! Please take your time and read the post, vote in the poll and I encourage you to give your feedback. I will respond later with the results in another article.

I finally found the data that I have been looking for. I have been scouring the internet for raw statistics on how many deployments soldiers have been on. I actually found it by not looking for it. I was checking out the website Veterans for America (VFA) and came across some reports on the strains on the Guard units fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan.

For our WWI and WWII vets it was to suffer in silence, for our Korean and Vietnam vets the denial of such suffering, and for my generation of Desert Storm vets the myth of the "Jarhead" movie as a common experience and of the denial of the Gulf War Syndrome (which was recently acknowledged by the US government) and now with our modern veterans, the effects and realities of multiple deployments.

Preliminary self-reported rates of PTSD from OIF and OEF have reached 15% already according to Hoge et al. (with a 15-40% lifetime rate after combat; Hoge and Castro, 2005 para. 2) and we continue to have naysayers saying the problem could not be as bad as we say it is. How many times have our veterans been on the receiving end of this same kind of generational denial and recrimination?
Rand (2008b) reports,

[O]f the 1.64 million service members who had been deployed for OEF/OIF as of October 2007, we estimate that approximately 300,000 individuals currently suffer from PTSD or major depression and that 320,000 individuals experienced a probable TBI during deployment (p. xxi).

These figures taken with the above place estimate levels of PTSD today in soldiers and veterans of our nations modern wars at 23%.

The data on multiple tours was quite disturbing, due the fact that soldiers and veterans who have more than one deployment have significantly higher rates of mental health problems. Quoted directly from the horses mouth, the Mental Health Advisory Team (MHAT) V, the military's own research arm reports,

Soldiers on multiple deployments report low morale, more mental health problems, and more stress-related work problems. Soldiers on their third/fourth deployment are at particular risk of reporting mental health problems (MHAT V, 2008, Sec. 2.2.2, No. 8).

VFA reported on October 8, 2008 that 1,321,019 soldiers had been deployed to wars abroad, 796,483 (60%) had been deployed once, and that 469,095 soldiers had been deployed 2 to 3 times (36%), and 55,441 (4%) had been deployed 4 to 6 times. With multiple tours our modern veterans will become exponentially more vulnerable to join the ranks of the walking wounded.

In the monograph, a truncated report, titled “Invisible Wounds of War,” recently published by Rand (2008a),

Early evidence suggests that the psychological toll of these deployments—many involving prolonged exposure to combat-related stress over multiple rotations—may be disproportionately high compared with the physical injuries of combat. Concerns have been most recently centered on two combat related injuries in particular: posttraumatic stress disorder and traumatic brain injury. Many recent reports have referred to these as the signature wounds of the Afghanistan and Iraq conflicts. With the increasing concern about the incidence of suicide and suicide attempts among returning veterans, concern about depression is also on the rise (p. iii).

The report adds,

The pace of the deployments in these current conflicts is unprecedented in the history of the all-volunteer force (Belasco, 2007; Bruner, 2006). Not only is a higher proportion of the armed forces being deployed, but deployments have been longer, redeployment to combat has been common, and breaks between deployments have been infrequent (Hosek, Kavanagh, and Miller, 2006). At the same time, episodes of intense combat notwithstanding, these conflicts have produced casualty rates of killed or wounded that are historically lower than in earlier prolonged conflicts, such as Vietnam and Korea. Advances in both medical technology and body armor mean that more servicemembers are surviving experiences that would have led to death in prior wars (Regan, 2004; Warden, 2006). However, casualties of a different kind—invisible wounds, such as mental health conditions and cognitive impairments resulting from deployment experiences—are just beginning to emerge (p. 2).

The Psychiatric Times reports a “gathering storm” due to the estimate that 70% of soldiers and veterans will not seek help from federal agencies (DoD or the VA), placing an undue strain on private facilities and practitioners. With this in mind the public sector of mental health has little to no preparation for the oncoming onslaught of help seeking veterans and soldiers.

At the website VA Watchdog, a reprint story on a Massachusetts commission found that veterans were not “receiving adequate treatment and readjustment assistance.” A summation of a member of the commission, state Rep. Harold P. Naughton,

said the public also should understand that the operational tempo of the current wars has exposed troops to combat for upward of 200 days at a time, far longer periods of uninterrupted combat exposure than most troops experienced in World War II or Vietnam (VAWatchdog.org).

The much reported mental health screening process during processing from combat duty has little to no effect on reporting the actual numbers of soldiers who have received psychological damage.

More than 50% of those referred for a mental health reason were documented to receive follow-up care although less than 10% of all service members who received mental health treatment were referred through the screening program (Hoge, Auchterlonie, and Milliken, 2006, p. 1023).

Hoge et al. (2006) goes on to ponder the reasons for such high numbers of non-diagnosed veterans,

This study shows that approximately one third of OIF veterans accessed mental health services in their first year after deployment, 12% per year received a diagnosis of a mental health problem, and an additional 23% per year were seen in mental health clinics but did not receive a diagnosis. It is not clear why there was such high use of mental health services without a mental illness diagnosis (p. 1030).

Hmmmmm, let me take a wild stab at it. Take it from a combat veteran who had attempted to receive help for PTSD through the combative VA system 7 times over 15 years. The systemic denial of veterans benefits has a strong bureaucratic resistance to give any compensable diagnosis coupled with “protecting the budget.”

Compounding the issue for veterans and soldiers receiving help for mental health issues is the stigma attached to such help. Stereotypical views within the military culture still hold a pervasive foothold in the minds of soldiers as to the nature and problem of psychological wounds.

Similarly, Hoge et al. [2004] found that of the soldiers and Marines who met the criteria for being diagnosed with a mental health problem, only 38 to 45% indicated an interest in receiving help: furthermore, within the previous year, only 23 to 40% reported actually receiving professional help (Brit, Greene-Shortridge, and Thomas, 2007, p. 1).

I witnessed this mentality of denial when looking into the eyes of my primary care and mental health personnel as I cycled through suicidal ideation, several episodes of psychosis, severe depression, addiction, homelessness, unemployability and complete disengagements from reality, society and loved ones. Proof positive of this phenomenon, quoted from the infamous email from a VA hospital’s PTSD program coordinator, Norma Perez,

Given that we are having more and more compensation seeking veteran, I’d like to suggest that you refrain from giving a diagnoses of PTSD straight out. consider a diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder, R/O [rule out] PTSD (Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington).

Repeated deployments will have unforeseen consequences for our veterans and soldiers. Never before in the history of warfare have we exposed our soldiers to such prolonged combat and sustained redeployments with little to no down time needed for decompressing stressed out psyches. Combine this with the governments slow to respond, cavalier attitudes and dismissal of the magnitude and scope of the problem, our veterans and soldiers suffer in silence and when the killing, death and deprivation becomes to much to bare, they take their own lives in alarming rates.

It is perplexing to realize that we keep having to do the same thing over and over again with the issues that our veterans encounter. To educate the public of the plight our veterans face on a daily basis, while combating the governments complete denial, as our veterans die each day.

PTSD Catharsis Channel Revisited

I have referred to this blog as my PTSD catharsis channel, a place to find absolution and communion. I have been receiving such thoughtful feedback lately. I wanted to thank everyone who has commented or emailed me. It helps to know that my message has been received and appreciated. I welcome all to comment and get involved with my quest for advocacy.

Today I have a place to let out my pain and I have a great support system of people who care and have an awareness of where I am in life today. I attend therapy every three weeks and have a caring and loving partner, she has a unique empathy and understanding.

As to my catharsis, sometimes when I write here I have major revelations about myself that I never recognized in the past. Such as the

…unconsciously reformed that attachment on the one thing that I could take home with me, my guilt. In losing my squad-selves and my subsequent identifying with the enemy soldiers, I unwittingly formed a festoon of guilt and hung it upon my soul (I Was the Driver..., para. 3).

Man, that was never something that I had connected with, my guilt of 18 years that had attachments to the lost souls of the enemy fallen. Heavy, heavy shit man. I will be talking to my therapist about that one for sure.

There was a time when I wish that this had not happened to me, but today I know that God has a plan for me and my experiences where not in vain. My purpose has revealed itself to me from my past and illuminates my path. Today I know my life's mission and would not want it any other way. To help others who have been where I have been and assist them in achieving self awareness and a higher quality of life.

Dedicated Soldiers, Combat Values and the Shattering of a Mind

Without dedicated soldiers we could not enjoy the freedoms and way of life that we experience today. They lead on when all seems to be the contrary and the insurmountable becomes their triumphs. Testaments to the Corp, the Queen of Battle and to moral imperatives most will never understand.

That does not mean that there will be no conflicts, just that more will see their struggles as a way to grow instead of digress. For the veteran or soldier whose mind has been compartmentalized from complex PTSD, recovery can take years. I had to learn coping skills to deal with my mind wanting to constantly shut down, zone out or detach from emotions, people and life in general. By becoming aware of this automatic emotional response I can generally reverse the effects most of the time, unless I have been experiencing severe stress which I do not always realize.

In a combat environment overcoming the initial emotional crisis takes an ability to close off our humanity to engage in combat. We must develop a combat-values system with a preset conditional internal guidance system pre-programmed to engage within the "troop-organism." Being removed from the protective feeling that this state of mind, the troop can develop a deep feeling of loss and guilt combined with a profound solitary disengagement from others who they now cannot identify with. Going from a deep sense of belonging and protection the troop gets the feeling of facing the world alone.

Some of our soldiers become stuck in this combat-mind state, and they seek behavior reminiscent of that combat edge, usually without realizing why. The combat-mind is one of survival and instantaneous decision making without much consideration to consequences. In society individuals stuck in this dysfunctional mode can find themselves having to deal with serious consequences.

None of this is an excuse for his behavior, but a foray into my behavior and an understanding of my actions. Thinking patterns and processes underlying our everyday activities and greatly influence our beliefs and emotional states. If we cannot examine them we will be led by them. By constantly challenging our beliefs we can become free from the rigid ideological military indoctrination and can engage in a meaningful exchange within our communities.

This is the beginning of a mental health epidemic for our Iraqi and Afghanistan veterans. Check out my blog as it chronicles my journey with PTSD and its effects on my life as it relates to what will be coming for our veterans coming home. We will see more of our veterans succumb to addiction, put in prison, commit suicide, or institutionalized, all a growing national trend that we need to face and overcome.

Dissociation in Military PTSD

The term shadow persona refers to that part of the individual we deny yet that commands great influence over our behavior while projecting responsibility onto stimuli in the environment or other persons. The haziness of this lack of fully identifying with self can be discerned, it takes time and commitment to overcome our natural defensive mechanisms that have been etched into the mind stemming from great pain.

In this way it overshadowed my true nature, as if I was a passenger in the vehicle that was my body being driven by a conductor. Seemingly my senses and body would hijack my mind and I could only be a witness looking out as I reflexively reacted to apparent hostility and a viral environment. For me it was more of a forward frontal facade that forcefully identified me more so than conversely while surrendering my personal power.

I still feel its presence, today that part of me truly has become a shadow as I have integrated it into my being and personality. In that way it has less power over me compared to when it dominated my worldview by denying that it existed. By claiming this shadow persona I reclaim its capitalization of my faculties and effectuate my assertions of choice, instead of hiding within the silhouette of my soul and vanquishing determinative values and principles.

God intended for us to claim our being through the humility of practicing principles and integrity, both moral imperatives toward communion with humanity. By doing so we break the hold of our subconscious mind controlling our thoughts, feelings and actions. Reach out and go forth to claim all that you are and will become, in doing so you will control the consequences of your actions and gain a new freedom never before experienced.

Personal Attachments, Before and After Combat

In normal environments such as a community, surroundings and especially in our family lives, we as humans develop attachments to people, places and things. Such connections bring a sense of comfort, peace and normalcy along with feelings of protection and safety. We can let down our guard and protective mechanisms around people most familiar to us as we have become bonded to one another.

The bonds, mutuality, and familiarity combine to form a sphere of communion we rarely think about until we loose it. The concentric circles of influence radiate outward while becoming increasingly formal and incrementally lacking of freely given trust. We learn boundaries initially from parental role models within the family unit and continue doing so through our peers as we mature and branch out ever more into our communities.

We will incorporate feelings of nostalgia associated with the environments that bring about pleasant emotional states; the proverbial "memory lane". By doing so we link personal affinity to such settings, that bring positive grounding through personalizing the identifying emotional states, with the environment.

Upon penetrating the point of no return in the combat zone the soldier enters into another world of existence that defies all prior knowledge and experience. No amount of training can prepare one for the mental severing of the soul from the body and mind. This cleaving wretches all other affiliations both externally and internally as the body, mind and soul have become compartmentalized from all other aspects of the person. The higher mind and soul become fastened to the absurdity of war and locked away, while out of necessity the body becomes separated and fixated to the immediate arena of kill or be killed. The mind resets the linkage of attachments from the ruble of comfort, contentedness and connectedness to the raging fight for life.

The powerful attachments and reliance on combat survival skills, and their battle buddies have become so welded to the soldier's identity, that some find it hard to let go of that familial feeling of brotherhood. The valid fear of dying does not become real until returning home which then becomes projected at the environment and all apparent abject hostility.

Our returning soldiers and veterans can begin to readjust to the psychological trauma they have received during combat. Especially the ones who have developed strong attachments within a group they identify and interact with regularly. They will need to seek others who have experinced similar situations so as to lessen the internal pain of severing the ties of blood brothers back in the battlefield. The soldier or veteran did not choose for these bonds with family members to be broken, it was a matter of necessity for their survival.

Family understanding and involvement has an integral impact on our returning troops successful reintegration back into society. Upon returning home the warrior will require time, to actually feel like they have returned home, it may take years for some. "The battle never leaves us, as we return from conflict everyday of our lives" (Lee, S.).

The family must understand that the soldier returning will not be the same person they walked to the tarmac and watched depart.

Combat Veterans and Institutions: A Systems Analysis

Returning Combat Veterans (RCV), have a difficult time reintegrating back into society and life within their family. They deal with a myriad of symptoms combining to hinder the RCV from coping in the civilian world, while having constructive relationships with their family and friends. The lack of psychological education and training while in the military poorly prepares the soldier for the horrors of war and the negative effects on mental functioning. Further compounding the problems for the RCV upon their return they encounter limited services and a Veterans Administration (VA) system more in tune with economics and regulations then providing best outcomes. The scope of this paper explains these concerns as they relate to the competition between veterans seeking help and a system geared toward a macro structural functionalist model that concentrates on peripheral wide applications. A deeper apprehension and awareness has to come forward for our veterans to get the help they need.

The problem between bureaucracies, the combat veteran and their family receiving help lies with the systems application of dynamic systems theory to address problems that require a more interactive ideology such as the ecological systems approach. The main criticism of systems theory treats the person as a machine or something that can be “fixed” lies central to the VA’s approach (Robbins, S.P., Pranab, C., Canda, E. R., pps. 28-47). The models and programs stemming from government to redress RCV issues fail to take into account the magnitude of their problems that extend beyond the medical model and psychological paradigm. The attempt by the VA to apply a blanket policy of treatment on all veterans who face problems such as the affects of psychological trauma in combat has failed.

The military way of life provides strong attachments through a communal approach to every aspect of interactions between soldiers and their families, whether through a support network for the spouse of a soldier to help one another, or to the training of our troops. Developing and enveloping the individual perspectives while opening them to a cohesive togetherness usually not felt before enlisting in the armed services. Now add in a military conflagration and this level of interpersonal commitment and associations become welded to each other’s identity (Lee, 2008f). By educating the soldiers on how personal bonds can be broken by combat and the importance of redeveloping connections with significant others could lessen the mental shock upon returning home.

While many physical features of the RCV may have changed, the deleterious effects of Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) leave nothing the same and completely alter the landscape of the mind. “Taking another's life in the name of freedom, patriotism and because of your job description profoundly changes the person.” (Lee, 2008a, para. 2) Their whole existence has been transformed by the experience of killing; the morality of war trumps the niceties of society and lends the RCV to a reflexive reactionary response to the environment. The enormous adaptive impositions caused by combat disposes of coping and social skills, personal values, cognitive development, definitions of boundaries, stress management, and appropriate responses to environmental stimuli. All of these issues combine to challenge the RCV’s reintegration back into society, “…the environment, which is physical and social…can either support or fail to support the adaptive achievements of autonomy, competence, identity formation, and relatedness to others” (Robbins, 35).

Value identifications have importance to the combat veteran with PTSD, as their value system has been compromised by the acts of killing and war. The values and morality of war greatly conflict with society’s norms and principles. When the combat veteran brings this survival perspective home with them it alienates them from everyone who has not experienced combat, war and or trauma. Combat changes and alters the soldier’s sense of importance and trivializes niceties that lubricate society’s interactions and exchanges. Without identifying what values the veteran or soldier deems important they will continue to operate from the old combat values set and wonder why people [fail to] understand them (Lee 2008c, para. 3).

Soldiers in combat develop a powerful attachment to one another; the strength of this symbiotic bonding overshadows all others, even family. First of all the degree of familiarity and closeness that extreme survival situations such as combat, brings people together to a height one has never experienced before. People have an instinctual need to feel a belonging such as in a herd where they feel safe. This “herdness” has supplanted all other attachments while people they once knew intimately have become foreign and strange. The family, friends and soldier feel this estrangement and all involved become unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Family and friends cannot understand what the RCV has been through, so the soldier or veteran seeks other survivors who do (Lee, 2008e).

The militaristic concentration on rituals of drilling and killing so that one becomes a more efficient “terminator” through automatic reflexive responses to survival, leads the veteran prone to using violent behavior in any given situation where boundaries have been crossed. The open system dynamics of “normal” interaction has become highly dysfunctional for the RCV who has lost their “goodness of fit” within their home environment. The breakdown of a unifying suprasystem interferes with the holistic dimensions of the veteran, increasing the separation and antagonizing the loss of identity that humans claim from associations within their communities. Without an understanding of boundary maintenance the RCV often develops a feeling of being attacked at home and in their community due to their inability to adapt to the fluidity of boundaries inherent with socialization.

Ehrenreich (2003) seeks to advance an understanding of “social traumas” where, …[i]n the context of physical devastation, massive social displacement, and ongoing violence, the hierarchy of need reasserts itself: concrete needs for, health care, housing, and jobs, the need for social reconstruction and reintegration, and the necessity of social reconciliation may dwarf individual emotional needs.

The identification and reinforcement of values, emotion identification, and anger management techniques along with stress management training would enable soldiers to realize better coping strategies when coming out of the combat zone. Further, interpersonal communication and social skills education along with boundaries identification would foster closer relationships with significant others (Lee, 2008d). Further on the topic of values and principles, these systems have a connection to feelings and emotions or the lack thereof with one who dissociates as most RCVs and complex-PTSD sufferers do. Emotions and feelings are the arbiters of values, principles, and morality; the ethical dilemmas that keep most people in check can get bypassed with a combat veteran’s lack of affect. A normal reaction with a non-traumatized brain would trigger an emotive response cascading into consideration of appropriate responses. The higher level processes of cognitive interaction delve into a consideration of choices and consequences, whereas the traumatized brain operates from the lower base of primitive survival systems and defensive mechanisms forgoing the thought of repercussions (Lee, 2008c).

The subsystem of a combat squad having experienced several fire fights develops a sense of oneness with each other; they have become an independent ecosystem; one organism through the forging process of fight or flight. Due to the nature of killing and survival their emotionality has become severed from their environment and channeled into the solidarity that soldiering brings. If one of them gets wounded or killed they all feel it through their connection of unity and common goal of survival (Lee 2008d). Bonding through blood and battle takes the soldier to a new level of raw humanism forged through survival and fight or flight defensive mechanisms. The psychology of killing alters the terrain of the mind disabling the rational machinery and enabling the ancient reflexive responsive unconscious (Lee, 2008f).

The focus on killing without contemplating consequences severs the RCVs ritual of connection to community, family, and wholeness resulting in deviant adaptations. Their formative connections have remained back in the field of combat and killing, where they left part of themselves with their buddies who have yet to come home while carrying the guilt of leaving them behind. They feel that egoistic “warrior archetype” connection with the military and the battle buddy who had their back in the combat zone. In this mind frame when the veteran comes home; they become lost in a world that no longer makes sense to them due to adaptive process of bypassing the five senses and emotional attachment to considerations of interactions. The hard wiring of the combat veterans mind acts as if their life depends on the ritualism of defensive hyper-vigilance and keeps the RCV stuck in a malposition (Lee, 2008b).

When combat takes away the soldier who has became the centerpiece of an intimate community it breaks down. Whether he has been buried or she has become a prisoner of her own mind; war fractures the body, mind, spirit and the community that once knew cohesion (Lee, 2008f). Some soldiers will long for that interconnectedness left in the field when they came home and reenlist or volunteer for another tour. Many soldiers find that their PTSD symptoms dissipate or vanish while back in the theater of combat, they have reentered the realm of survival, fight or flight and oneness with soldiering (Lee, 2008e).

The troops who do make it out of the theater of combat have been changed in body and mind. They have lost substantial parts of their mind, soul and community. Psychological trauma devastates the battle buddy, spouse, and children while splintering everything that once was the bedrock of the American Soldier (Lee, 2008f). In addition the military needs to teach mental health sensitivity training and PTSD awareness as a standard, in basic training and continuing throughout their careers thus giving mental injuries of war validity. Training in these areas would give our soldiers an extra set of tools and weapons in fighting the psychological effects of combat and war. Educating them before hand of what they may face upon going home would prepare them if they develop PTSD. Otherwise they will have gained the insights and ability to recognize when their fellow soldier suffers from PTSD (Lee, 2008d).

References
Ehrenreich, J. H., (2003). Understanding PTSD: forgetting trauma. Journal of Social Issues, 3 (1) 15-28.

Lee, S. (2008a, July 13). Forgive me. PTSD, a soldier’s perspective. Retrieved from http://ptsdasoldiersperspective.blogspot.com/2008/07/forgive-me.html

Lee, S (2008b, July 20). My first email response. PTSD, a soldier’s perspective. Retrieved from http://ptsdasoldiersperspective.blogspot.com/2008/07/my-first-e-mail-response.html

Lee, S. (2008c, August 22). Thoughts feelings and behavior. PTSD, a soldier’s perspective. Retrieved from http://ptsdasoldiersperspective.blogspot.com/2008/08/thoughts-eelings-and-actions.html

Lee, S. (2008d, September 5). Fully train our soldiers for the rigors of war. PTSD, a soldier’s perspective. Retrieved from http://ptsdasoldiersperspective.blogspot.com/2008/09/fully-train-our-soldiers-for-rigors-of.html

Lee, S. (2008e, September 6). Soldiers in combat develop powerful attachments to one another. PTSD, a soldier’s perspective. Retrieved from http://ptsdasoldiersperspective.blogspot.com/2008/09/soldiers-in-combat-develop-powerful.html

Lee, S. (2008f, September 14). Lower recruitment standards contributing to military suicide rates. PTSD, a soldier's perspective. Retrieved from http://ptsdasoldiersperspective.blogspot.com/2008/09/lower-recruitment-standards.html

Robbins, S. P., Pranab, C. and Canda, E. R. (2006). Contemporary human behavior theory: a critical perspective for social work. Boston: Pearson Education.

PTSD, Combat and the Guilt of a Nation Mediated by the Media's Lip Service

I had recently posted an article over at A Soldier's Perspective that I had originally posted here on September 6, 2008 about the attachments that soldiers develop during combat. A commenter informed me of her belief that our soldiers were getting the proper help with psychological issues and addressing PTSD, that all they had to do was ask. It seems as thought she is trying to assuage her conscious and justify her beliefs that all will done to help our soldiers and veterans.

Here is her comment,

I agree that combat experience will bring soldiers together. These soldiers will often share things and feel an attachment like none that they have probably experienced in their life. However, the military does not view PTSD as a weakness and goes a long way trying to identify soldiers that have problems and get them the necessary help to allow them to continue to soldier or become responsible productive citizens. The choice to become a citizen or continue to soldier on is the soldier's choice. Initially the Army was not prepared to deal with PTSD or with traumatic brain injuries. Recently that has changed. You cannot sign into a new unit or Army School without going through medical screening and part of that screening is psychological screening. This screening is done in private so that soldiers can feel free to disclose any concerns without feeling ashamed. PTSD is not a weakness but an illness like any other condition you can develop over time. Additionally, the band of brothers that develop in combat owe it to each other to ensure that they are looking out for one another. Part of that is making sure any brother in arms receive treatment if you think they might have a problem. As brothers, you have to make sure your brothers are not suffering needlessly. If a brother is having trouble make sure we get him the treatment he needs and not allow him to try to grit it out. You can get help in private and not have your career affected. The Army is doing a better job of providing help we just have to make sure those who need it get it. Take care of each other and be safe. This is my own opinion and does not represent the Army's point of view.

to which I commented,

To the Common Masses,

Are you a mental health provider in the military, the VA or in civilian world? It sounds as if you have bought into the media portrayal that everything that can be done has become the norm. I know that the military has become more aware of problems associated with psychological trauma and have begun to implement some changes. But not on the scale of making significant changes in the soldiers and families lives that have been impacted by psychological trauma. Do you really think that our soldiers have a choice in becoming a citizen or soldiering on? This is the EXACT kind of thinking that alienates and stigmatizes our soldiers and veterans. "Hey you are the one who signed up for this! Suck it up soldier and drive on!"

This is EXACTLY what we face as a nation in overcoming PTSD and enriching our soldiers and veterans lives, people who believe in the benevolence of our nation to help the "heroes of war" (those of us who survive war do not consider ourselves a hero, just lucky. By calling us heroes all we can think about are the ones who did not make it home). The trouble becomes perfectly clear to the veteran or soldier who faces the daunting task of recovery from PTSD when they seek help. The nation does not dispense much needed education and treatment of PTSD, the institutions of bureaucracy weigh the task of defending the budget verses helping "those bastards who do not deserve help, suck it solider!" I can still see the look of disbelief on the VA therapists faces when I tried to get help, many times did I stare into that penetrating mask of "you are lying to get benefits" before I could get through the rigorous process of getting a diagnosis of PTSD which you need to receive treatment. Most of the times I was suicidal or homicidal when I was on the other end of the scorn and skepticism of the VA doctors, nurses, therapists and practitioners who were supposed to treat the veterans.

Go ask a veteran how or if they were helped, most will say it was like pulling their own damned teeth so I gave up.

If you want a true accounting of what a soldier goes through with this "enlightened" process of psychological screening you believe so much in, go read the harrowing account of Colby Buzzell, an author and a veteran diagnosied with PTSD. In his article in Esquire who had to go through the ordeal of being reactivated and sent back to Iraq after being out of the military for almost four years: The Army Wants You...Again! (Yes, Really.). The article is long, but soldier on if you really want to give some attention to the problem you believe is being taken care of.

What they have done is not enough to break the stigma behind the thinking in the military of PTSD being a weakness. This belief has been ingrained into the mindset of generations of soldiers and cannot be overcome by a screening or the CO standing up in front of the troops and saying it is OK to have PTSD and to get help for it. Decades of indoctrination have to be overcome; the only way to do that would be to implement training and education on the psychological impact of war on the mind and the possible ramifications they may face.

Hell, even before the troops enlist they have been taught that PTSD is a problem of moral fiber. Look at what we have done as a nation to our Vietnam brothers and past veterans, how many of them have become homeless because of trauma that has overwhelmed them? 200,000 veterans are homeless on the streets of America on any given night. Half of them have a mental illness, a third of them have been to combat. Tragically we throw away good people who need extensive help in getting their life back together. We venerate and honor the soldier but betray the veteran.

The culture of the military, the Army and Marines especially indoctrinates soldiers to become and believe that no one can oppose them with an air of invincibility. Soldiers have been trained to think that they can overcome any obstacle. But how does he/she defeat a problem without any substance other than mental manifestations that get in the way of normal functioning and affect life in general. In a battle with no solid enemy and no apparent battleground the warrior having been trained to combat the physical comes in contact with a foe that can over shadow the imagination.

The soldier usually does not understand or recognize the changes that have transformed them into a different person than the one who left and came back. They have just survived the impossible situation of combat, how can they troubled by some little problem of thinking or behavior? The biggest trouble of screening in the military does not take into account of the issue of longevity and accumulative effects of psychological troubles. Most veterans with PTSD can function enough to convince themselves, usually not their families though, that they do not have a problem until they accumulate to proportions that disable and debilitate them possibly taking years to decades.

The lip service in the media today talks as if the programs they report on has national impacts on our soldiers and veterans. Do not believe the hype; the programs being discussed have only begun to address a problem that has plagued our veterans and soldiers since the founding of our country. In the last five years different programs have been developed to treat PTSD sporadically across the nation, and the high demand for these services pale in comparison to the soldiers and veterans who need them. 300,000 war veterans and soldiers from the current conflicts have been estimated to need psychological help and treatment; this does not take into account of the veterans already in the system or the ones who do not have the capacity to go through such a rigorous process.

Stabbed in the Face

To the Man Who Stabbed me in the Face,

I never realized until later how I had offended you the many times that I did, I honestly was ignorant of my causing you to lose face in front of people you had grown up with. I see now the symbolism lost to both of us in the moment, by your attacking me when you perceived an honorable way to recover your lost esteem. I was flippant, arrogant and unable to quantify your sarcastic attempts to inform me of your slighted facade. Facades do clash.

Today I see how you interpreted my willingness to jest with you as a sign of disrespect, for I have been educated in the ways of jousting by seeming immortals of the sport. My pretense in the way that I carried myself during this time was in the order of a knight ready for battle.

I was thinking of how at one time that I felt it unjust for the punishment that you received for nearly taking my life, these thoughts led to me writing these words. I was thinking how you had to use your house for a property bond and the fear you must have felt to possibly loose your new home you labored mightily for. I likened this intense apprehension to the immense anxiety I felt after having been triggered into another compartmentalized Post Traumatic psychosis. Although one more weighty than the other we both received our consequences from the ordeal.

I realized today that I had confused my pride for integrity which lead to infamous righteousness indignation. I have told many people how our actions combined to provoke a change in my life and credit you for bringing about my willingness to transmute everything about me that I found lacking.

Combat PTSD and Crying

My writing about PTSD has been extremely difficult for me as I have dealing with shit that I have only now begun to process. I have had to incorporate a whole lifetime of shit just to get to the point of being able to face my wartime activities. I use the word "activities" to somehow sterilize what I saw. Language showing that I have yet to integrate a significant part of my life.

In the last four months since I started writing my blog I have been experiencing extreme dissociative episodes. After having realized this I started limiting my writing and reading about trauma and combat.

I wrote an article awhile back and would like to bring attention to it again. Dissociation has been a constant companion for the last four months. I have recently been looking at my emotional states before and after the dissociative episodes. My emotions right now escape me, as soon as I try and isolate them they dissipate and I can only discern a jumbled anxiety. Sleep escapes me and I cannot study with a blank mind.

My comment on the post where I wrote about dissociation,

I keep coming back to this post and wondering. I have given a great amount of information on dissociation and its affects on my psyche.

Why is everyone hung up on this one line?

"The Iraqi soldiers we killed that were trying to surrender."

This entire post is about the psychological breaking of a mind as a direct result of combat

"I would cry for hours and could not be moved, lying in the isle of the store just crying with my wife holding me…"

Does anyone know what it feels like to cry literally for hours? Two to three hours of continuous crying? It drains the body, dehydrates, swollen eyes, mucous running, physically exhausting and emotionally humbling.

What the hell? How about the dissociative fugues? Read that shit again. It is scary as hell. How do you think that would feel to loose yourself but still be aware of things as familiar? I still fear loosing myself today, I remember that shit like it was yesterday.

How about getting lost and forgetting yourself while at the grocery store? Ever been scared to enter a grocery store? Ever had a significant other have to come get you out of the grocery store because you have lost who you were and did not know where you were?

Did anyone catch the out of body experience in the last paragraph? How about the combination of beauty and terror triggering the feeling of awakening and becoming one with the universe? The feeling of becoming one with everything, that experience of being enveloped into absolute existence and consciousness. Never have I felt that kind of completeness since that day.

This post is about the breaking of a spirit and the severe effects that it has on a wounded mind. My mind continuously tries to access the eternal feeling inside of my conscious, leading to dissociative states that still confound me today.

Why is this important? Back in the day when I was so full of rage, anger and emotional turmoil I could not recognize the subtler aspects of emotionality. Which brings me back to where I am today. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist to help me navigate the new journey of integration.

If you want to read the article on dissociation, click here.

Operation Warrior Quest & Battlemind Training

I have talked about how the military needs to start programs for soldiers reintegrating back into society. Well it seems that they took my advice, ok maybe it was not quite my advice. But possibly the vibrations of my good intentions were felt?

Over at A Soldier's Mind, a blog worth checking, out they have chronicled the starting of programs to aid in the reintegration process.

The pilot program, called Operation Warrior Quest, will combine sports that are considered “high adventure sports,” such as skydiving, paintball, ropes courses, rock climbing, mountain biking, stock car racing, skiing, and others, with the Army’s Battlemind Training. The program is designed to help the Soldiers readjust to the calmer pace of life back in garrison or “at home.” The idea is that the high adventure sports will be a way to attract Soldiers to participate in the program, as well as serve as a release mechanism that will allow them to obtain the adrenalin rush they’re craving, yet at the same time, do so in a controlled environment.
Here is the link to the full article: Readjusting To Life Following Deployment

Fully Train our Soldiers for the Rigors of War

In the military, especially in combat arms the training centers on becoming effective warriors without a concentration in developing into a full identity and individual, a requirement for reintegration back into society. In a battle with no solid enemy and no apparent battleground the warrior having been trained to combat the physical comes in contact with a foe that can over shadow the imagination.

The identification and reinforcement of values, emotion identification, anger management techniques along with stress management training would enable soldiers to realize better coping strategies when coming out of the combat zone. Further, interpersonal communication and social skills education along with boundaries identification would foster closer relationships with significant others.

By preparing the soldier or veteran they would have the necessary skills and tools to deal with the normal psychological adjustment of combat trauma and reintegration back into society. Also the person would have a proper foundation to treatment should they develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

In addition the military needs to teach mental health sensitivity training and PTSD awareness as a standard, in basic training and continuing throughout their careers thus giving mental injuries of war validity. Indoctrination and acceptance of psychological wounds would eventually break the stigma tied to mental trauma and allow soldiers and veterans to reach out before their lives spin out of control.

Training in these areas would give our soldiers an extra set of tools and weapons in fighting the psychological effects of combat and war. Training them before hand of what they may face upon going home would prepare them if they develop PTSD. Otherwise they will have gained the insights and ability to recognize when their fellow soldier suffers from PTSD.

As it stands now upon returning home after having been gone from family and loved ones the soldier goes through a psychological evaluation screening. Our soldiers know full well that if they give the wrong answers upon returning from Iraq and Afghanistan they will be kept from seeing their loved ones sooner. They have more incentive to ignore or commit to denial the signs of mental distress inherent in the actions of combat. This system compounds the problems of PTSD instead of addressing them, by reinforcing and legitimizing excuses and reasons to drive on without asking for help.

Finally, most Vietnam Veterans exhibited signs of PTSD years after coming home. Although I exhibited signs within the first year, it was 10-14 years before my PTSD became debilitating.

My PTSD Catharsis Channel

My writing here triggers me on a continuous basis with the issues of combat and war. I have had therapy for years to move beyond all of my core issues except my war experiences. It took me "growing" up through the cognitive-behavioral restructuring of my childhood to adulthood within the safe place of therapy. When I started writing this blog I began the "therapy" and reintegration of my combat and wartime issues.

I have had social skills training, cognitive restructuring therapy, anger management classes, coping skills training, values identification and the list goes on. I needed all these pieces of armor to face my war issues. This place for me here has become my sacred communion with the world, God directs my words and deeds today. I try my best not to get in the way of myself and his work.

Prior trauma can prime the veteran or soldier and put them at greater risk of developing PTSD and mental illness. I say both "PTSD and mental illness", because within the spectrum of mind fracturing lays depression, psychosis, dissociation, schizophrenia, and a myriad of other psychopathy.

Not all veterans will need intensive preparation before therapy, as many soldiers have received a solid family life in adolescence where they have learned most of these skills. Individualized attention needs to be given to each veteran or soldier as they have had different life experiences which impact the way combat and trauma affects them.

A thorough assessment considering these elements can determine where to start with therapy, counseling and the techniques that will be most successful in your particular case. Look for a therapist that you trust, one that will listen and guide more than talk.

Not all therapies will work for everyone, if something does not seem to be working let the therapist know. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy was what worked for me as I needed an intensive concentration on most fronts of reintegration.

Today I use this medium as my PTSD catharsis channel.

Warrior Archetype

The military trains us to believe in self sufficiency in all matters other than survival in terms of combat. You know the ad on TV that says an "Army of one". As much as they drill team work on a firing squad, movement, and never leave a buddy; they also instill this facade of invincibility.

The majority of soldiers in the military reside at the level of ego development, where a good dose of identifying emotions and empathy would help negate the aggressive side that young men feel (Sugar, 279-283). In primitive cultures, rituals help identify the aggression and integrate this "warrior archetype" into the complete person. Usually along the way an elder mentors them and helps identify the emotions and differing parts of the psyche while instilling an integration of the differing selfs, mother earth, community and spirituality.

In the military the ritual of drilling and killing concentrates on becoming an automatic reflexive response to aggression and survival. My point, the focus of killing without learning how to deal and cope after they go home leaves the returning veteran aimless and without a ritual of connection to community, family, and wholeness. Their formative associations have been left back in the field of combat and killing, where they have left part of themselves with the ones not going home and take with them the guilt of leaving.

They feel the egoistic interconnectedness with the military, the "warrior archetype" and the battle buddy who has been left back in the combat zone rather than with significant others upon returning. In this mind frame when the veteran goes home they become lost in a world that no longer makes sense as they have been taught not to process the five senses and emotional attachment imperative to social interaction. The combat veterans mind acts as if their life depends on a reactionary environment incompatible with the development of long lasting relationships (Sugar, 287). How do I live in regular society if I am stuck in this malposition?

Young combat veterans coming out of the military may need help with accessing and identifying their intrinsic values and principles and the process of reintegrating back into society and reestablishing their new roles.

Forgive Me

I have been searching all over the web looking for like minded people to link this site to theirs. I came across this photograph shot by Zoriah, an independent embedded photojournalist, while in Iraq. The monochrome image embodies the deep sense of sorrow and duty that I was trying to convey in part of my last post.

Taking another's life in the name of freedom, patriotism and because of your job description profoundly changes the person. How do we reconcile the killing of another human being and still maintain our principles and values? Someone who has not done so can talk all they want about what they think or believe.

When a soldier goes home to his or her family, friends and community, how do we relate to people who expect the person that is no longer us? How do we tell them that each time we took a life that, we too died in spirit a little more?

They congratulate us on a job well done and we tell ourselves that we did our job, what we were trained to do. They tell us how proud they are, and we cannot make them understand how we feel guilty for that pride.

How do we tell them that we cannot get those faces or images out of our mind?

Excerpt from Zoriah's blog:

A couple of days ago I went out on a foot patrol in Sadr City with a young a soldier and noticed the tattoo on his arm, featuring a rosary and the words “Forgive Me.” I asked him what the story behind it was.

He said, “After my first tour in Iraq, I went back home to the states and all my friends called me a murderer and killer. I guess I started thinking a lot about all the things I had done over here…you know.”

© Zoriah/www.zoriah.com