I picked up a new Army Veteran hat that I just bought yesterday and hung it up on top of my Desert Storm hat. My desert storm hat has a Combat Infantry Badge (CIB) pin on the front of it, and I considered placing the pin on my new hat. As I was doing this a thought came to me of a time when I first came home, I had not been back long at the ripe age of 21. I went into a convenience store and was buying something at the register (probably gas) and as I was leaving this young guy maybe a little younger than me was coming in the door.
I had my BDU (Battle Dress Uniform) jacket on with a CIB patch on it. This young punk was coming in the door and looked at the patch on my jacket and said, "Did you earn that?" I immediately went into homicidal ideation, I thought about doing some serious harm to him. But, after what seemed like hours, I told him in as shitty a way that I could and almost screamed at him "YES!" I am pretty sure I had an intimidating posture to put an emphasis on my point. Guess what? Instantaneously he became extremely intelligent and did not say another word.
If you see a person in public with military clothes on, a hat or something that signifies that they were in the military. Do yourself a favor and do not ask him or her about medals, badges, or any insignia they may have displayed right away, especially in a negative way. Tell them welcome home, and then gauge their reaction and if they want to talk to you they may open up some. But, do not take this as an invitation to ask personal information. Our military experiences have an extremely sacred and personal compartment in our minds and hearts that we place them in. Many of us do not even tell our wives, family or friends about what we did or saw.
We do not wear our military memorabilia because we want people to ask us about them, we wear them to remind us of shit we will never be able to forget. If you cannot understand that then you have no business asking us about anything.
I have read your blog and keep returning to it. You have an insight that helps me. My husband is and OEF vet with ptsd. He does not talk much and obviously I will never understand the experience he or any of you vets have gone through. This blog helps. However, this comment "We do not wear our military memorabilia because we want people to ask us about them, we wear them to remind us of shit we will never be able to forget. If you cannot understand that then you have no business asking us about anything." leaves me a bit uneasy (for lack of a better word). When ANYONE wears any kind of symbol, saying, whatever it invites people to read, to notice and sometimes to talk. I do get wearing something as a reminder (i wear specific jewelry to remind me of those who have passed). I get to see it everyday but no one is any smarter about it. I do hope you will consider my comment and not get as upset when someone recognizes something you have on. For the most part, they propably mean no harm.
ReplyDeleteAgain thank you for writing this blog.
I appreciate your comment and opinion. I understand that a person may wear an item to remind them of another. I wear my memorabilia to display a remembrance of a past war, my war, the Gulf War.
ReplyDeleteI welcome an open hearted question on the significant of the symbols I wear today. I am at a point in my life where I recognize the anger and animosity felt within and take responsibility for it. By doing so I do not project it onto other people or make others accountable for it, the consequence being acceptance. Today I wear symbols of integrity and character, to remind me that I can achieve my goals even in the face of great adversity.
There was a time that I wore them for other reasons, to immortalize the guilt I still carry today. I left my guys over there, we killed literally thousands upon thousands of Iraqi soldiers, and finally the 30 soldiers that were trying to surrender. The insignias were my badges of guilt and shame, nothing that I wanted to share in a positive way.
When I wrote this piece I was reminded of the anger and rage I felt that encompassed my being and perspective. I was ready to explode and any excuse was the ember that could spark an inferno. I remember that a well formed question could offset this demeanor and open a reverence and grieving process whereby I could speak of the emotional pain. I was both of these people along with many others.
I see the wisdom in your response and accept it as a reminder that most people want to seek answers that only a combat veteran could expound upon. Today I honor this responsibility too speak on the reality of war and the devastating effects upon the person, family and community.
Anonymous, I am deeply grateful to be able to help someone understand their veteran. This is my purpose here at PASP, may God bless you and your veteran.
ReplyDelete"There are good helpers...and truly bad, well intentioned, helpers out there. I am a forensic psychologist in civilian life and trauma specialist here in the world. I choose to help my returning brothers because its all about helping people realize they are not going crazy, thier world was! I am always available to help a serious brother or sister with PTSD... (No, you probably don't have Bi-Polar Disorder if it took until your discharge to find it!) I have done CSAR/and Recovery missions.Been there, done that, now I give it away not to hang on to it! We can heal, we do need each other and I give time freely to folks who just want more info on choosing a help that fits them or a councelor who understands. Thanks for your website...Welcome home...PS "Are you going to use your tobasco sauce?" Silenthawk.lrrp@Yahhoo
ReplyDeleteLol, I remember those Tabasco sauces. Man they were like gold, I was always asking that same question.
ReplyDeleteThank you brother for your service to our country and welcome home. I appreciate you acknowledgment of my website. I am on the same mission, to help our brothers and sisters in arms come home and reintegrate.
Kudos on this blog and the insight. I am the girlfriend of an Army vet from the first wave in Iraq. I met him years after his return but see how it still affects him. Before him I had little to no experience with military... reading this is really helping me understand and learn how to best support him
ReplyDeleteThis may sound silly, but i am researching PTSD for my psych class in college. I am presenting a huge presentation to the class and I am trying to get a doctor to let me interview him. I stumbled across your page in my travels of the web and I truely love your blog. It touches me on a personal level because I was diagnosed with PTSD about 2 years ago, when I was 17. I was not a soldier though. I was a victim of rape and it's taken me 2 years to even feel comforable typing that word. After being in theraoy and being edicated (and losing a dear friend) I have somewhat improved. I still relive it especially when surrounded by men but I can hold down a job and school now. When it happened, I dropped out of school, started doing drugs, and ran away from home. It was a hard time but I think it has made me much stronger. I'm just sharing this with you because I don't know anyone else with this disorder. And, I really think that you are compassionate and sensitive enough to understand what I've gone through. Maybe even relate it to yourself? It's a hard road to travel, having this disorder, but slowly I'm learning to cope. Thanks for listening to my ramble. : )
ReplyDeleteAnony, thank you. I write here to for two purposes, to help myself and others to understand what a combat veteran undergoes from the battlefield to the streets of America.
ReplyDeleteRebecca, thank you for surviving. You are a blessing and will continue to be so. It is great that you have returned to college and continue to live your life. It is difficult to return to the things we love after surviving a traumatic experience. Thank you for sharing, keep coming back, read, write and contribute to the conversation.
I am loving this sight. So many more people should be reading this. Not just vets or soldiers or spouses too. There is no sugar coating to any of what is said and I love that. I would love to just print every page and hand a book to some people and say here read this! Maybe they would understand some of what we go through and not ask any more really crappy questions!
ReplyDeleteThanks
Thats why I write here, first to pour out my heart and second to hopefully help someone in need of understanding and communion. Thanks for reading!
ReplyDeleteto all of you who are seeking help with ptsd keep on working at it. My years of sexual abuse hapened over 50 years ago (I'm 62 years old) and I have lived my life with more then my share of ad bad choices, bad decisions and worse choices in relationships.
ReplyDeletei would like to mention that finding the right right therapist and the right treatment is like tring to find the right pair of jeans. If the fit between you and your therapist isn't working it's not your fault...the fit just doesn't work. Please don't give up. Seek referrals and don't be hesitant about requesting an informational interview.
PTSD therapy is about as intimate soul bearing as it gets. It is imperative to find the right person to help you through the process.
EMDR - just had my second treatment and I am truly amazed. If the light bothers you then you can close your ears and just listen to the beeps.
Jeannie is absolutely correct. It is imperative to find the therapist that you can connect with. The nature and structure; the kernel of trauma-based disorders rest in the most recessed parts of our minds. We will not be able to access this information properly if we do not bond with our treatment provider. To begin the journey of recovery we must find a therapeutic window into our minds substrate. Without developing intimacy between your this would not be possible. This could take several appointments.
ReplyDeleteRoman General, Scott A. Lee...from the bottom of my heart, even farther than that...THANK YOU!!! you and all veterans have risked your life so I am able to be safe and raise my son. You have experienced things I could never ever imagine. I hope one day our country can understand what our soldiers have done and reward them with appreciation. What you have done for all citizens is incredible and no words could ever express how I truly feel. Because of you, I am safe, my son, family and friends are safe. Thank you! You all deserve the best!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate you letting me know. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honest sharing of your experiences living with and managing Combat PTSD. I married my husband, an OEF/OIF Veteran shortly after his honorable discharge following a lengthy stop loss.
ReplyDeleteHis PTSD symptoms became intolerable (to me) at around the 2 year mark after he physically returned home, but took another 2 years before he hit his own rock bottom prompting action to get help. His anger, the physical/emotional/verbal junk coming my way, retreat to serious substance abuse, sex addiction, infidelity, detachment disorder...the list goes on, all while I had 2 children in one year which added to his stress. I am so thankful to you for helping to educate me as I move forward as a partner in his healing journey.
He is a warrior and he is on his way home. He just hasn't found us yet.
Thank you for continuing your service by keeping this site.
We retreat so far into our selves that we often loose our way. Your veteran is a lucky man to have an empathetic and forgiving partner. I am honored to have been a part of your education.
ReplyDeleteI have been dating a veteran of the Iraq war for approximately 6 months now and I see how his PTSD effects everything aspect of his life. He was very forthcoming with his struggle right from the start. I thought I had a reasonably decent grasp on what I was getting involved with because my father was a war veteran as well. I was used to not being able to make loud noises, walk up behind him without warning, ask questions about his experiences (my father taught me to listen to the information offered but to never ever ask questions of a veteran), etc. My father was a loving man but not an emotionally expressive one until the tail end of his life. It took the passing of my mother for him to finally let down some of his guard and show some real emotion. It was in the 9 years between my mom and dad's passing that I finally got to know my father as the man he truely was. He was wounded still, decades after he served in WWII. He struggled with his own deamons and yet he was still infinitely proud to have served his country. To him, it was his greatest accomplishment. When I met my boyfriend there was so much about him that reminded me of my dad. He had all of the qualities that I loved about my own father. He is proud yet humble. He is strong yet vulnerable (not that he wants to show that, but I have seen it). He is wounded yet he carries on. I admire him in ways he will never know....the same way I admired my dad. I see his struggle with his PTSD and I wish I could help somehow. All I can do is listen when he wants to talk and do my best to not do the things that I know will set him off (like walking up behind him unexpectedly, discussing politics, religion or the war (any of them!)and things like that). We have had a hard time with certain aspects of our relationship but I know in my heart that he is a good, honest and loving man. I also know that he is deeply, deeply wounded in ways that I could not begin to imagine. So I will patiently work through the bumps with him because I believe in him. I believe in all of our veterans and service memebers. I owe my life to them, I owe my freedom to them and I owe my undying support and gratitude to them. It was an honor to have been raised by the man I called daddy. It is an honor to share my life with than man I call "honey". It is an honor to be an american citizen and I am fully aware of the price that has been paid and will be paid by those who defend our freedom and liberties.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this blog. It helps to read these posts to gain better insight into how to help and support the veteran that I love so dearly.
I don't know if this is even an appropriate comment, well its more like a question. I have been dating a veteran, he says I have helped him immensely overcome a lot of things, is it normal for the significant other to feel obligated to the soldier, I feel like I don't want to add more hurt to what he as already experienced, but I don't know how to approach this subject.
ReplyDeleteAnnoy, It is normal for the significant other of a combat veteran to feel an immense desire to help. I have detailed many of the things to say or not to say in the top left sidebar labeled "WHAT TO SAY TO YOUR VETERAN OR SOLDIER"
ReplyDeleteI wear my military apparel to meet other Veterans. War time or not, I like to talk with other Veterans. Thanks for your service and this web site.
ReplyDeleteI wear my combat apparel so to speak too. I like to wear camoflague fashions and the old Army Jackets you see on the run way. I put my pins and dog tags on them.
ReplyDeleteI was deployed under Operation Joint Endeavor(which is still going on I believe), but stationed in a hospital in Europe. I had PTSD due to being raped and physicailly assaulted by a "fellow" soldier while yet still in Advanced Training school. I faced numerous times of sexual harrassment( a guy staring over you whilst you sleeping over and over, repeatedly asking for dates or sexual favors by higher rank. I have more, but too sexually graphic to but here!...in case anyone didn't know what harrassement is).
At any rate it is hard when people ask you about your service or call you a hero. Its worse when other vets ask. I used to be ashamed when other vets ask, now I don't care and just let them have it so to speak LOL! Some try to say little cooments or elevator stare. I ask them are you any less a hero when you have been hit by friendly fire?
Even though this is not an MST site...
Thanks for this outlet Scott, I put a little love in the change offerin' fer ya.
Aya
Thank you Aya, all tips and donations are welcomed. You are a Godsend little one. Could you do me a favor? Referee for me? God to the latest in the WTF fiasco is on the front page here at PASP. Just click anywhere and jump in and if even I need straightened out then please do so.
ReplyDeletei too am a combat veteran from Iraq and Afghanistan. I have over the course of my time served ( 17 years) torn three ribs from my spine, jacked my neck up and lost two inches in heigth, I have combat PTSD and have almost reached the point of loosing my family.. this is the funny part the Army medically discharged me because all i have is " normal aging" issues hahahahahah good huh what can i do to tell my wife and kids my feelings .. im tired of "protecting them "
ReplyDeleteYou can arm yourself with the truth, Va Directives, the laws pertaining to VA benefits and begin your filing process to get the benefits you deserve. I know they said they would take care of us, they lied, hell the military lied to us on a regular basis.
ReplyDeleteOn this blog under Resources for Soldier, Veteran, Family, and Loved Ones you will find Veteran Benefits, VA Policy and Directives. It details the process and can serve a guide to beginning the process.
You can do this, get connected to other vets in your community and start helping one another. Read and educate yourself, you are now a warrior of peace. Begin this journey, if you accept...
Come join our new PASP Community on FaceBook, much love.
I am also a combat vet and worked as a PMC up until 2007. I married my second wife shortly after. OUr first 6 months were pretty good. On the honeymoon, then the demons came back. We went back and forth, I had been in and out of the VA for a year and half. On the 10th of the May she left me. She said she was tired of the insanity.
ReplyDeleteWe communicate from time to time. She keeps telling me about moving forward , how it was 3 years ago, why cant I get past it. She reads all the stuff on pTSD and she is a Nurse Practioner.
I think this fits under the category named above.
Hey brother Welcome Home.
ReplyDeleteDude seriously? She kicked you to the curb, calls you three years later and has the balls the ask you why you are not over it yet? Wow, and she is a nurse practitioner, takes the cake for me.
Unconditional love is a necessary ingredient in healing.
Yeah. A lot of civilians don't know that only the infantry gets those. Before the CAB.
ReplyDeleteNope, they also don't know that many women are in firefights regularly and run with combat arms as interpreters and special envoys as women ambassadors with Special Forces. I have spoken with hundreds of women warriors that have used their weapons regularly in the military. There are no lines any more.
ReplyDelete