June 24, 2012

Combat PTSD Veterans Need a Strong Inner Circle

To the people who are near but seem the furthest away. I need a strong inner circle, which I lack. People in my life have the designation of friends but have never been to my house even though I have been to theirs, you stop inviting people that never come over. Others hold resentments and make it my responsibility for our relationship. I understand that my people skills can suffer and I withdraw quite a bit, but this is when I need people the most. The last thing I need during these times are petty resentments or ignorance and fear to interfere with my deep need for human connection.

Most people don't want to talk about dark and emotional conversations, it triggers people's unresolved issues. That's when they tell you to get over it, that people don't want to hear about it all the time, or tune you out, etcetera etcetera. We do need to talk about it often sometimes, but sharing on that level requires a tremendous amount of trust. Which is why we don't share much, even with our loved ones the bonding needs to be a high level for us to embark on telling our stories. It's important the immediate circle see our condition as a psychological injury and become educated in how to interact with someone with a mental wound.

Active Listening is the first lesson. Listening has important components to employed that will increase your ability to communicate effectively.

What is active listening? (www.cdcr.ca.gov/CSA/STC/docs/active%20listening.ppt)
  • It’s a communication skill that involves both the speaker and the receiver.
  • In active listening, the receiver tries to understand what feelings, thoughts, and beliefs are being communicated and accepts it as the person’s own.
  • The listener feeds back only what they believe the sender’s message meant - nothing more, nothing less. It involves feedback and verification that the receiver correctly understood the senders message.
  • The active listener avoids getting stuck in another person’s “helpless” feelings.
I employ much empathy and compassion in my friendships, along with active listening. Depending on many of the factors above I share with my most trusted freely. Sharing here is different than in person or with someone I have a strong personal bond. People's insensitivity and unintentional attempts to support often become offensive and another case of my mental feats of dispatching evil thoughts going unnoticed. I'm tired of being told to just get over it, or told try and not to think about it, or being told that no one really wants to hear about my issues all the time. I understand people's intention when giving this "advice." I try and see these as teaching moments. But, it is difficult to have a great need to unburden myself when someone gives really bad advice. It usually clams me up and sends my mind spinning.

Veterans diagnosed with PTSD need a strong and unconditional support network in which to begin to heal. Unfortunately people mistake many PTSD and behavioral issues as character defects and not symptoms of a mental wound. This turns people off. Additionally many people are put off by the way I break down their facades quickly and call them on their shit; a defensive behavior to shut others down. I am learning that a friend to keep is one who shares in the good and bad. We don't need people to understand us completely. But, we do not wish to be alone in our pain or joy anymore. We need people close to us who are willing to learn about our condition and dish and take some shit; aka then still be there.

PTSD people have this thing with calling everyone out on their shit. People have to be ready for that, no really.

I have a mental and spiritual wound, my struggles are symptoms manifested. What is your excuse?

17 comments:

  1. Would it be okay if I shared this on FB? My husband is currently struggling with his desire to include his parents/siblings in his inner circle and they are having a difficult time understanding where it is that he is coming from. They want a relationship with him on their terms according to how they think he should behave, think, and feel. I have been stuck in the middle for the past 6 years and just this last January I decided to step back and allow their relationships to either be or not be. Needless to say, they are non-existent and he is being blamed for "ignoring" the family.

    I love that you blog. I check in here regularly for updates. You always have something new for me to learn, something new to think about. I pray that your inner circle grows strong and healthy and bullshit free.

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    1. Yes please do share on FB. My family has pretty much the same stance as your husbands; it's my responsibility for the lack of relationship. People need to understand that we have been emotionally crippled by witnessing or participating in mass death and destruction on a scale unimaginable. If our wounds were visible we would get respect, admiration, and compassion. We have no scars to prove our fight was just and that we gave it our all. We have Invisible Wounds that manifest as behavioral issues.

      I was just recently diagnosed with paranoia features with PTSD, try fighting the unreasonable and persistent thoughts of not being able to trust anyone. Which of coarse makes me seem unreasonable at times and hard to deal with. If people took the time to understand and learn how to deal with me during these times, it could break down the barriers between us. I am tired of throwing myself against that wall.

      The sad part is we can't make people understand who would rather stand in judgement, live your lives and make your inner circle from people of like minds. Combat veterans and Caregivers are in your area, look for them and start your inner circle.

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  2. Well said and explained Scott....I think a lot of people could use this blog for references. HUGS Love the way you put it out there....you rock!

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    1. Thank you, I have been focusing on clarity and a congruency of topics along with practical advice and the article quality has improved. So send em my way I could always use more references, links and people joining the conversation. You want to guest blog here?

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    2. I will get back to you on that, being new to the blogger world and all, not sure how that all works ;) Right now I am just trying to get it all out of my head and off my shoulders. Trying to show others they are not alone. Hugs Keep up the good work.

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    3. Thanks will do and think about it.

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  3. Someone in a veteran's inner circle needs truckloads of advice .... help!

    Please forgive the way I have entered this dialog.

    I am really close to a former combat soldier who served in Afghanistan and Iraq. He's disabled, has horrible PTSD, and has recently been diagnosed with cancer. I am worried sick. My friend is not attempting suicide, but he is engaging in some self destructive behavior and I have no idea what to do.

    I spoke to one of his battle buddies - I can't speak to his family. She suggested I call the VA hotline. It was one of the WORST experiences of my life! The woman I spoke to was rude as hell. The only thing she told me to do was call 911 and started to argue with me when I was reluctant to do it. She didn't understand what I was talking about. After she figured out he wasn't going to kill himself, that I wasn't going to kill myself, or that he would kill me, she didn't have a problem getting off the phone.

    It was the public bathroom of crisis hotlines. I can't believe they let people like this help veterans, their family, and friends.

    After my friend was diagnosed with cancer, he told me he didn't have the will to live. The only thing that keeps him going is his young son. He thinks he is receiving punishment for what he did in Iraq and he deserves it. The guy has a beautiful soul. I don't think he's been honest about what his doctors are saying. I think he's going to let the cancer take its course. He's also been abusing his pain medication and drinking. I have not said anything, however today was a bit scary.

    After the enraging VA hotline experience, I turned to the Internet and found this blog. Any thoughts and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am a civilian who comes from a bunch of civilians - he's the only veteran/combat soldier I know. This is heartbreaking to watch and I am at a complete loss.

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    1. The VA hotline is for people who are suicidal, she didn't want to talk because you were not the one needing the help. Give him this web address, I have posted Mental Health Emergencies that may be able to help. Tell him to live for his son right now if he can't think of another reason. My dog is my worldly anchor, he interrupts the ruminating on killing myself and keeps me firmly rooted in today.

      Read and learn about Combat PTSD, the more you know about this insidious condition the better you will be able to cope with his neglectful self care. Keep showing up and being a part of his life, drag him out of the house and take him somewhere. We'll usually go with someone we trust and if he says no ask him if he trusts you. If he says yes, then ask him again.

      Become his battle buddy here in the states. Beware of coming on too strong with supporting him, we could misconstrue it as overbearing help. It's a dance of boundary checking, expectation and intention inventories, and thoughts, feeling and action congruency. By educating yourself on Combat PTSD you will be able to impart this knowledge to your friend one bit at a time. Enlist some of your most trusted friends to help you help him.

      A great resource to followup on for support for you is Family of a Vet, the link is at the top right hand corner. You are not alone and in my prayers.

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    2. It is important to let him know he is not alone out there in this world of confusion. There are fine resources out there what can help. I would suggest to get him into therapy asap. If not through the VA than through Giveanhour or maybe Tricare if that is an option for him. He needs a good back up support system. I am glad he got a friend in you he can come to. Take his words seriouse please, keep a real close eye on him and lead him into the right direction. If it comes to it 911 is a scary way to go, but sometimes a must do. http://www.familyofavet.com/911.html please take a minute to read this. HUGS to you and the combat hero, hang in there.

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  4. Thank you for your kindness, I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I am new to all of this.

    He and I have a daily routine before and during work, and now he has started visiting me at home.

    Thanks for creating this site and reaching out. I speak to military people all day long and this will be a good resource for me to use in the work place. I am going to recommend it to people I speak to.

    I try to tell people they are not alone, and that it is normally to feel profoundly alone even if they know their neighbor is suffering from the exact same thing. Thank you for your kindness, you are appreciated.

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    1. You are welcome, the PTSD awareness movement needs voices such as yours. Thank you spreading my work and for letting me know that you appreciate me.

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  5. Scott,

    I have been mulling over the idea of opening a retreat, of sorts, for veterans with PTSD. Possibly like a sustainable farm, someplace to get back to nature, unplug from the world, but have people with similar war related psychological wounds around you. A place to stay, free of charge, for as long as you need to get yourself together, get help, talk to others like you, etc, while getting back to nature, getting your hands dirty, learn new skills such as meditation, yoga, and other relaxation techniques. I am a registered nurse and I'm tired of working the inner city ER where you can't help people who don't want help and/or are unwilling to help themselves. I feel strongly about helping veterans with PTSD, and this idea came to me. What are your thoughts?

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    1. I think these kinds of services are what's needed to help address the shortfall of available services at the VA and DoD for veterans. The only way we will solve the veteran suicide dilemma is by non-profits and private organizations stepping up. Your skills are needed and I hope that you find a way to realize your new found purpose, you are needed.

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    2. I just started looking for grants to buy a piece of property, possibly a hobby farm or maybe an old camp. I'd happily keep records and such if I could find a research grant to open such a place. This idea is in its infancy right now, but it feels like a calling.

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    3. I feel the same way about writing this blog and sharing my internal world. I kept running into people who were ignorant of combat PTSD, doctors and therapist included, it inspired me to vent about it. That turned into a calling of my own.

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  6. Thank you so.much.for.your .post. it helps me better understand what .my Marine son with PTSD is going through. I am completely supported of him.he is going into a PTSD program next week...
    Sincerely
    Beverly Roffeydavis

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  7. Thank you I'm glad to of been a help, keep reading he needs a tremendous amount of understanding and compassion. Education on Combat PTSD will help, that's how you can support him while he is away. We also need more space than we used to require and we do not want to be treated as broken. Take care and come back.

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Please share your comments, stories and information. Thank you. ~ Scott Lee