I am in the middle of one of my episodes, it feels like everything is only right now. That I can access the last minute and think about the next minute, but...it's not that I do not care...its just there and then gone. Not quite apathy or indifference, well I guess it really is like that. A suspension of emotions and feelings that lays just beyond my boundaries of perception. Dissociation is like conception watered down, just spread it out all over everything and then try and use it. I have to concentrate hard to get back what was last thought although I do sense the thoughts and emotions, soggy trails of reality.
Like right now I have to go back and read what I have typed to continue my train of thought and in doing so I have added more into this last paragraph. I'm not sure if this post seems disjointed or not, I guess I will have to see in the next day or two. Sometimes an occurrence will last up to a week or so. Most of the time an event will be in progress before I realize it. I notice that I am less caring or supportive in my conversations. One time my buddy had to tell me that I was being a dick to realize that I had been that way for a whole week.
You know, I wrote above "it's not that I do not care", uh...hello...that is exactly it. You see that is how dissociation works, eventually all the thoughts come together. The problem for me is that I might not know where the thought came from. Let me rephrase this a bit, hhmmm...I do care, but the caring is not in the center of me.
That is it! Dissociation is a tightly woven boundary around the Id, keeping out emotions and people by placing concentric circles within reach and without access. You can see it but cannot touch it...Loose Associations.