I am in the middle of one of my episodes, it feels like everything is only right now. That I can access the last minute and think about the next minute, but...it's not that I do not care...its just there and then gone. Not quite apathy or indifference, well I guess it really is like that. A suspension of emotions and feelings that lays just beyond my boundaries of perception. Dissociation is like conception watered down, just spread it out all over everything and then try and use it. I have to concentrate hard to get back what was last thought although I do sense the thoughts and emotions, soggy trails of reality.
Like right now I have to go back and read what I have typed to continue my train of thought and in doing so I have added more into this last paragraph. I'm not sure if this post seems disjointed or not, I guess I will have to see in the next day or two. Sometimes an occurrence will last up to a week or so. Most of the time an event will be in progress before I realize it. I notice that I am less caring or supportive in my conversations. One time my buddy had to tell me that I was being a dick to realize that I had been that way for a whole week.
You know, I wrote above "it's not that I do not care", uh...hello...that is exactly it. You see that is how dissociation works, eventually all the thoughts come together. The problem for me is that I might not know where the thought came from. Let me rephrase this a bit, hhmmm...I do care, but the caring is not in the center of me.
That is it! Dissociation is a tightly woven boundary around the Id, keeping out emotions and people by placing concentric circles within reach and without access. You can see it but cannot touch it...Loose Associations.
that last paragraph is exact!
ReplyDeletei have had dissosiation for 3 years and i am only 16. i have it very severly. i feel boredom, anciety, depression, but i cant feel excitment, happiness or closness. when someone hugs me i dont feel anything anymore. its like i know there hugging me but i still feel as if i am alone. i feel numb, like i have a bubble around me and no one can get in. most of the time i dont even know what im doing.like ill be acting out of control and dont realize it till someone tells me, but i feel like im in a dream and realitly is not there. i hope its there. its so terrifying and painful each and every day. each day i try extremly hard not to physically hurt myself. its so hard to live this way. i always think about what it would be like to be normal again... but i cant seem to remember... i cant remember anything anymore. like someone tells me something really important that will probably help me and poof its out of my mind.... gahh!!
Have you had a traumatic event in your life? Most of the time this is what happens in reaction to such events. It is a lack of integration of the event that leaves the mind in piecemeal. You can get help, a good therapist that understands structural dissociation can help put the pieces back together. It may take years to do so, medications help in the meantime.
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