A couple of days ago I was writing about my father passing away. What I wanted to say and could not was in times of great stress my emotions shut down; my mind goes into survival mode. Into that region of temporal tempestuousness, the silent eye of a tornadic twister.
In the middle of the storm the nether expanse has suspended the rules of reason. The deep fractured fissures of the traumatic subjugated mind lay unrest. A coiled wrath waiting seemingly without care to unleash on what may not be there. Reacting without interacting racing and straining the rigors of rationalities foregoing the fulcrum of lucidity and stupidity. Reacting without reason the reflexive trigger rigorously ripping tripping and stripping the underneath.
I have been trying to write this post since the 6th, my father passed on the 2nd. The above is where my mind goes when I experience stress and extreme emotions. I thank god that I have found a new way to cope and process these emotions. My old way of self medicating has been rearing its ugly head as I try and picture this world without my dad.
I carried my fathers ashes in one hand and a portrait of him and all his sons in the other from the funeral home. When I picked him up, I thought he is heavy and I looked at the picture and felt the entire weight of everyone who now look up to me. I realized the seat of the family passing onto me, right then I had a breakthrough. I carried him fifteen feet and fell into the pew, releasing the pent up grief and emotionality.
My son told me later as I asked him whats on his mind. He said, "I just can't imagine that being you." and then he said, "How did you carry...how?" He could not find the words, I understood his emotive plead to explain how I will live without my dad. I told him that you will be surprised what we can live through and do. I told him that the memories, the things that he taught me, the shared space and existence do not go away. These things will always be with us, in essence we carry with us his presence and love. He is a part of us, thats how we will carry on.