July 3, 2010

My Childhood Made Me a Thug, War Made Me a Monster

While I am not going to revert to all of my old ways, I am in a great amount of pain from the fallout of recent events. Really, it is probably more due to my guilt that I have been burying for 20 years. I talk about my childhood as being the worst. What I was trying to do was deflect and embellish so that I could say, "Hey my childhood was worse than war." Well I'm here to tell the world that NO, war is worse than any childhood.

A bad childhood can only help one become a better killer in combat, but it was combat that made me dangerous to my loved ones, not my childhood. My childhood made me a thug, war made me a monster.

Today I am not that monster, I am more the me you knew before war than I have ever been in my life. The reason I say we come home everyday from battle; the me before war, every once in a while will wake up...like it was 20 years ago, and ask myself is it over yet? I swear to God it is like I woke up from a coma and the year is still 1989 and time has stood still. It is so scary...I'm fucking balling again.

Those moments used to turn into all out war for the monster, but today I know the fog of war will pass as I wait patiently for it to vaporize.


  1. Thank you for your blog, it is a wonderful resource already in such a short time.

  2. I am the wife of a Vietnam Vet, and personally have issues of PTSD from emotional abuse in my childhood which I will not detail here. I only want to share what brought me out of my own den of "my mind stressing me" horribly, and it indeed was "almost miraculous" in how it did and still has stilled the "wheel of my mind."

    I used, still use and make a humble donation to the 501c found at www.patriotoutreach.org. I am also the mom-in-law of a soldier in Afghanistan right now, and of a Marine, and both of them as well as my hubby have their own CDs of "Coping Strategies" that is given for free download or mailed to any troop or Vet. from the Outreach.

    The 82nd. Airborne ordered 5,000 copies and then another thousand, and after the horror went-down at Ft. Hood, someone there phoned the Outreach, saying "give us all ya got" sort of thing. Why??

    Because these commands heard the absolutely amazing stories of HEALING from this mental exercise and ordered it.
    My prayer is that many of you will do so, too. I am my own testimony of the peace and healing it usually facilitates.
    Thank you to each and every one of you for your service.

  3. I researched your information and found it to be extremely enlightening and highly recommend downloading the meditations and coping strategies. The service is free to soldiers, veterans and their families.

    Thank you for you sacrifice to our country, PTSD Caregivers have been the family loadstone for generations.

  4. Scott, Thank You for taking the time to check it out. Man, this 501c has a "best kept secret" sort of thing but it can be frustrating that it operates on a tiny budget and cannot afford any type of advertising that is available to the big ones.

    Thank you for passing along the url to anyone and in any way you can. What if half the nation becomes healed?! Imagine the vibes we can all give off to others that need it if millions upon millions of us all find out AND USE "Coping Strategies!"

    It could be akin to bringing back "a world gone mad" sort of thing. I dare to dream big, trying to "put legs on my prayers" and I'll hush and just thank you one more time for making me welcome here, and the effort I do so believe in, too.

    God bless in every way,
    Karen T.


Please share your comments, stories and information. Thank you. ~ Scott Lee