While I am not going to revert to all of my old ways, I am in a great amount of pain from the fallout of recent events. Really, it is probably more due to my guilt that I have been burying for 20 years. I talk about my childhood as being the worst. What I was trying to do was deflect and embellish so that I could say, "Hey my childhood was worse than war." Well I'm here to tell the world that NO, war is worse than any childhood.
A bad childhood can only help one become a better killer in combat, but it was combat that made me dangerous to my loved ones, not my childhood. My childhood made me a thug, war made me a monster.
Today I am not that monster, I am more the me you knew before war than I have ever been in my life. The reason I say we come home everyday from battle; the me before war, every once in a while will wake up...like it was 20 years ago, and ask myself is it over yet? I swear to God it is like I woke up from a coma and the year is still 1989 and time has stood still. It is so scary...I'm fucking balling again.
Those moments used to turn into all out war for the monster, but today I know the fog of war will pass as I wait patiently for it to vaporize.