March 20, 2009

A Spiritual Experience, Piecing Together a Shattered MInd

If you are just now joining us and reading this post, I want to let you know that most of my writings here deal with combat PTSD. I have written about my childhood trauma a couple of times and want to update on where I am in therapy. Below I have put together some connections, associations and revelations. For someone without a traumatized mind some of these connections would seem to be an easy puzzle to put together, but for those of use who have survived, it is experinced as a spiritual experience putting together the pieces of our shattered minds.

Here I pick up from my post from March 17, 2009 "Thoughts of Nothingness We Now Find to be Everything":

Later, to defend against remembering an extreme trauma experience, I had convinced myself that aliens had replaced me, and took me with them to a better place. OH MY GOD, this must have been when I had the angels take me to explore the universe. I wrote earlier about this out of body experience, the angels told me to not look down. They were so peaceful, serene and angelic we soared above my body and escaped to a timeless existence flying away.

I never connected this phenomenon, the memories, beliefs, amnesia, and trauma. I had separated the information into the deepest recesses of my mind and compartmentalized them to guard against fully realizing the terror that little 5 year old boy endured.

I could not for the life of me learn my left from my right hand in first grade, I learned it when I was probably 7 years old. I was at a baseball game and my coach told me to go out to right field. I was ashamed that I did not know which direction right was, so I asked a family friend. He taught me to associate my right hand with my writing hand, so from then on I knew my left from my right. But, still to today I have to picture writing to discern which choice to make concerning left or right.

Another connection I made today was the problem I had with telling time. I did not learn this until I around the same time as the which hand issue. But, that was a digital clock, it was not until my young teen years before I learned to tell time from a traditional clock. I had such an unreconciled sense of time due to the "lost" time frame mentioned before, it lacked such substance that I did not trust "time," it escaped me.

I have had these thoughts periodically throughout my life, I guess when something triggered them and I would have a glimpse of a realization and memories. I never even considered connecting them together, it seemed to me that they were separate and not related. It was not until last night that I was able to piece together the memories and give a complete narrative. I did not see the obvious interrelation of these insights until last night.

I wrote this first on paper, in doing so I had written in third person conjugation and kept writing in this manner. I had to go back and edit it several times. Referring to oneself as him, they etcetera, etcetera, could be an indication of structural dissociation, an unconscious and pervasive referral of self as someone else. The thoughts of having been replaced with a "different Scott" is further evidence of the same.


  1. My son is just begining to show signs of something after being placed in jail for domestic violence and robbery II. He's been in jail for over 4 months with a bail high as the sky and the VA Med Ctr not willing to accept him with a felony charge. My son, who was bail out 2 times in one week was place there for allegly attacking the victim again. My question is, he's wanting the bail lowered so we can get him out. Can I trust him?

  2. I would like to direct you to a woman who has been going through a similar situation. Her name is Sue, click here, her email is on her blogger profile.

    I have been talking to her for about a year now and she has come a long way and making the best of her situation. She has become active in this area of concern and has gained some wisdom and insights that may help you.

  3. Thank you! After working like a dog for 6 months calling everybody who's anybody connected to the VAMC, I've finally gotten them to go to the jail to evaluate my son. He is suffering from PTSD. Hopefully, the report will lessen his charge and we can get him into treatment and probation or something. Anything except prison.

    If you have any tips or stories on PTSD soldiers and the legal system on how to present illness to prosecutors and judge, let me hear it.

    I want everybody to know that you must push through everyone who says, they can't do anything, or their hands are tied. I overstepped everyone of them and went straight to the top, and low and behold, all those who said they couldn't, was made to do it by the top dog. I now have them doing what they said they couldn't do. Just press on! The VAMC know what they need to do, and what's going on with our soldiers. I believe the problem or barrier with the VAMC is "cost". Keeping down the cost of care and the overall budget of the VAMC. So, if you don't pressure them, pushing like hell, they don't know of you and your problem. So, keep pushing through until you get to the top. In other words. Worry the shit out of them.

    The most important thing is to PRAY! Pray for the soldier to have peace in his/her mind, heart and Spirit, and believe that The Most High God will deliver him/her through this mess. When you pray, and your heart is content with peace, then everythng will be okay. Just pray and believe and don't worry. Just hang on through all the anger......knowing that it is the illness, and not the person.


  4. Keep fighting the good fight!! Together we can change lives. In the right column you will find what you are looking for, titled "VETERAN OR SOLDIER CHARGED WITH A CRIME, DIAGNOSED WITH PTSD?"


Please share your comments, stories and information. Thank you. ~ Scott Lee