I have been having these recurring thoughts about actually having to realize some honest to god awful truth about something that happened to me a long time ago. Before, it was just an intellectual exercise in something that I thought that had no bearing on me, other than some subconscious interaction that I knew nothing of. But now, I feel as if I am on the verge of remembering...and it scares the shit out of me. I cry at the drop of a hat, I do not want to remember...but, I do want to get past this...but I do not want to remember. When I feel intimacy and dip down into the essence of who I am, briefly I feel all that ever was, ever will be and ever has been. So too, especially after the feeling fleeting, floating away...I fell it until I fell no more...flowing away...I feel the sense of pending doom...a fear that resides deep down into my past, down into the mantle of my makeup, the marrow of my morrow.
I never knew that it affected me so, not until I felt that it made sense to go beyond. But, too do that I have to go through. I do not want to remember.