I have been having these recurring thoughts about actually having to realize some honest to god awful truth about something that happened to me a long time ago. Before, it was just an intellectual exercise in something that I thought that had no bearing on me, other than some subconscious interaction that I knew nothing of. But now, I feel as if I am on the verge of remembering...and it scares the shit out of me. I cry at the drop of a hat, I do not want to remember...but, I do want to get past this...but I do not want to remember. When I feel intimacy and dip down into the essence of who I am, briefly I feel all that ever was, ever will be and ever has been. So too, especially after the feeling fleeting, floating away...I fell it until I fell no more...flowing away...I feel the sense of pending doom...a fear that resides deep down into my past, down into the mantle of my makeup, the marrow of my morrow.
I never knew that it affected me so, not until I felt that it made sense to go beyond. But, too do that I have to go through. I do not want to remember.
I have found it helpful when I am in this situation to expose myself to a cathartic piece of art, i.e., a sad movie, a memorial, etc. This helps because 1) it first distracts me from the spiraling avoidance/obsessive thinking pattern about the memory or emotion that is haunting me and 2) through the catharsis provided by the art I can then approach the memory/emotion from a different place. Don't know if this will work for you or not, but I thought I would put it out there.
ReplyDeleteCool, this is a good idea. I have some artifacts that reflect myself in my apartment, but have not done this with art. Which is a more reflective cathartic work.
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