December 1, 2007

Dissociation Page

Explanations and Expounding on the phenomenon of Dissociation.

A Spiritual Experience, Piecing Together a Shattered Mind. Later, to defend against remembering an extreme trauma experience, I had convinced myself that the aliens had replaced me, and took me with them to a better place. OH MY GOD, this must have been when I had the angels take me to explore the universe...

Fear of Remembering. The recurring thought intrusions come to bear when the compartmentalized piece or pieces pierces through into our highly guarded and constructed reality. This incursion can be experienced as an all out assault on the person or a mildly disturbing and recurring thought.

Thoughts of Nothingness We Now Find to be Everything. Like being in a place that you are familiar with, but not intimately aware of, the more you become focused, the more realization forms, until you discover that the place you inhabit is in you, that awareness sheds light billowing outward, pushing back the darkness, bringing forward that which integrates thoughts of nothingness that we now find is everything...

Altered States. Poem of sorts giving a fluid intuition of dissociation.

Deep Down Into The Marrow of my Morrow. I have been having these recurring thoughts about actually having to realize some honest to god awful truth about something that happened to me a long time ago. Before, it was just an intellectual exercise in something that I thought that had no bearing on me, other than some subconscious interaction that I know nothing of.

Dissociation, Fructose, Insomnia and Escape...I am in a zone of dissociative self-states. I feel outside of myself, that my boundaries have been blurred. I think that I sometimes get caught up in feeling like this as a means to escape.

Duality Dissociates Discernment. The defensive mechanism overwhelms our thinking process and compartmentalizes our personality. The split in our mental reflections enables a combat veteran to switch from a killer instinct with no remorse to a loving and caring father.

Facades Do Clash. Today I see how you interpreted my willingness to jest with you as a sign of disrespect, for I have been educated in the ways of jousting by seeming immortals of the sport. My pretense in the way that I carried myself during this time was in the order of a knight ready for battle.

Feeling Dissociative?. Sometimes an occurrence will last up to a week or so. Most of the time an event will be in progress before I realize it. I notice that I am less caring or supportive in my conversations. One time my buddy had to tell me that I was being a dick to realize that I had been that way for a whole week.

Honor The Soldier, Betray The Veteran. There is disconnection between everything human and what has to be done in combat. Imagine being in an unimaginable situation and having to do the unthinkable. How can this be done? A detachment between everything human and having to do the inconceivable resounds in combat.

How to Sterilize Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Did anyone catch the out of body experience in the last paragraph? How about the combination of beauty and terror triggering the feeling of awakening and becoming one with the universe? The feeling of becoming one with everything, that experience of being enveloped into absolute existence and consciousness. Never have I felt that kind of completeness since that day.

Searing Images Shearing Surreally. My self discussion dribbles on about we, our, them and I as it were a fight for me. It is no wonder that I sought escape into self medication and anything that would numb me to the pain...

Soldier's Heart, the Swiss Army Knife of Death. In combat or other trauma what can begin as a detachment of emotions from actions can lead to a fractured self, an "othering" and dehumanizing the part of us capable of dispensing death, the "Soldier's Heart" takes on its own persona deep into the shadows . In combat this defensive mechanism, or "tool of death", works well and allows a device within the person to eradicate the enemy who has been assigned a wholly less than human label of demon, enabling denial of the "killer" in us and identifying the burden of blame on its adversary as due adjudication. Thus fracturing and subdividing the mind into non-localized discoherent detachments, all necessary to survive the absurdity of war.

Shadow Persona. The term shadow persona refers to that part of the individual we deny yet that commands great influence over our behavior while projecting responsibility onto stimuli in the environment or other persons. The haziness of this lack of fully identifying with self can be discerned, it takes time and commitment to overcome our natural defensive mechanisms that have been etched into the mind stemming from great pain.

The Blood Runs Thick as The Bonds of Brotherhood. On the night where I had lost myself into psychosis, if the police had shown up, or if someone had confronted me on my abnormal behavior, it would had became real and the psychotic break would have been complete. I was convinced that everyone was out to get me and I would have responded with violence to "protect" myself due to a warped conception of a perceived threat.

The Modern Combat Veteran: Dissociative Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and Influences on Criminality. The USA Today (2008) reported that 68% of all soldiers have been deployed to a combat zone, 31% have been deployed more than once and 2,358 have had more than five tours of duty.

The Vagueness. Poem that tries to convey the fleeting consciousness of a dissociative.

To Do The Deed, The Dance of Death. To understand what a person with PTSD goes through "in the moment" we have to think beyond our belief of how we would handle ourselves in a high stress life or death situation. Put self away, go to that place that enables you to kill or be killed.

Treatment Resistance, A Misconceived Attribution Attached to Combat PTSD.The combat flavor of PTSD has serious implications with identity crisis and integration of the personality. To adjust to killing, a psychic shift must prevail and in doing so splinters the personality, shattering the attachments with significant others and reforming them into the troop-organism, an identification with the combat squad. Separate action systems whereby the individual reformulates their value system in congruence with the combat environment mediate the internal operating system. They have completely replaced their civilian self with a warrior self.

Would You Want to Forget the Biggest Most Influential Part of Your Life? How many times have you heard about the wife waking up in the middle of the night with the Vietnam Vet choking her, he has that 1000 yard stare and a look of death on his face. He comes to and cannot believe that he was back in combat trying to kill charlie when in fact he had his hands around her throat.

Zoning Out. For a person with PTSD their brain has become highly compartmentalized, sectioned off and coordinated along narrowly entrenched connections. The mind will shut down reasoning, conscious processing and engage the unconscious reflexive mechanisms. This controller switch enables the person to react to traumatic situations without filtering sensory information through our conscious mind. Through this defensive mechanism we can survive situations that would otherwise overwhelm us if we had to process the traumatic event in the moment. By the severity of the situation this connection gets heavily imprinted, thus enabling the PTSD sufferer to shift into a stuck position or zoning out. This cognitive binding can be triggered by situations that require emotional response, trusting issues, and really just about anything that requires thinking.

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