December 1, 2007

The Experince of PTSD

Link page for understanding the experince of PTSD.

Combat Rage and What We Might Do With It Now remove this person from the battlefield and look through his/her eyes and tell me of the total ambiguity and discord in society you see and now feel the fight within self to let loose the rage and exterminate all that does not fit the afore mentioned narrow field of forgotten battlefield schemata. Now the real battle begins

A Seemingly Serendipitous Supra-intelligent Guidance of the Subconscious PTSD is not only about personal protection or self preservation but in its essence a mechanism of such endeavors, thus becoming a self-perpetual entity in of itself. Almost as if it has become self-aware and not only will it steer me away from danger, but also away from its own demise; a seemingly serendipitous supra-intelligent guidance of the subconscious.

Alcohol, Drugs and Killing can Become Addictive In the beginning the anxiety I experinced was masked as bravado and a tough guy image feeding on the power that I felt from being aggressive, dominating and coercive. I would instigate situations where I could express my built up anxiety through aggression and engage violence as a repressing mechanism to once again become detached from self and my emotions. I remember always looking for a fight or some excuse to go off on an unsuspecting person to dispel the emotional pain that I was attempting to deny. As time went by this to became troublesome as a coping skill and contributed to my overall anxiety and self-loathing.

Dissociative Spectrum It was like I was dropped off on a alien planet and I could see some things that looked similar to what I know but yet was totally alien in form. Then I tried to access information about me and was denied the information. I tried to think of my name and could not, my identity was foreign to me. I did not know who I was or what I was doing in this place, but I do remember that the place was familiar. I do not know how long this episode lasted, but all of a sudden all everything came back to me in a rush.

Duality Dissociates Discernment The combat veteran's brain has invoked a divided self to ensure the integrity of the differing internal representations. His or her mind has been subdivided into incompatible subsections to deal with life in the clashing realms of their subconscious.

Feeling Dissociative? Dissociation is a tightly woven boundary around the Id, keeping out emotions and people by placing concentric circles within reach and without access. You can see it but cannot touch it...loose associations.

How to Sterilize Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I have had to incorporate a whole lifetime of shit just to get to the point of being able to face my wartime activities. I use the word "activities" to somehow sterilize what I saw. Language showing that I have yet to integrate a significant part of my life.

I Was The Driver, On Point For The Division, So I Saw It All I know that they were the enemy, it was kill or be killed...But my God, when we were shooting at them at hitting them and seeing their tanks and vehicles blowing up in grand fashion, it seemed so beautiful. I remember the sight was so awe inspiring, the turrets flipping end over end, fire spraying upwards to a hundred feet. I could feel in the back of my mind, my humanity, trying to tell me that there were people in those tanks. My mind tried to tell that I could actually see the bodies felling over and over, within the upwelling of, no that cannot be...I was too far from them to actually see. So I told myself.

Personal Attachments, Before and After Combat Upon penetrating the point of no return in the combat zone the soldier enters into another world of existence that defies all prior knowledge and experience. No amount of training can prepare one for the mental severing of the soul from the body and mind. This cleaving wretches all other affiliations both externally and internally as the body, mind and soul have become compartmentalized from all other aspects of the person. The higher mind and soul become fastened to the absurdity of war and locked away, while out of necessity the body becomes separated and fixated to the immediate arena of kill or be killed. The mind resets the linkage of attachments from the ruble of comfort, contentedness and connectedness to the raging fight for life.

Prisoner of My Beliefs The combat schema, a defined preconditioned set of beliefs and values enabling the warrior to navigate efficiently through the adversity of combat without a detailed consideration of consequences. To engage in a mortal fight with the enemy this schema spells out our actions in a given situation as being preoccupied with survivability of the moment can get you killed. The warrior with PTSD has grown accustomed to the value and belief systems of war and feels threatened when they become faced with having to let go of this security to reintegrate back into society.

Relationship Between Dissociation and Identity...again a commonality in the deeper spectrum of PTSD and identity crisis; a further distancing with the loss of self. I kept going from room to room trying to get away from the "cameras" that I could not see, but was convinced that were there. I was having homicidal thoughts along with the delusions, I kept hearing voices that was telling me to kill everybody and was convinced that I could hear the "in studio audience" laughter. I was convinced that they were laughing at me, which I told myself, "of course they are you are on a TV show." This moment could have been the breaking point and I was extremely close to totally separating from my consciousness.

Structural Dissociation of the Personality The leading theorists on the subject recognize that reactions to extreme stress can lead to one or more differing diagnosis, and that inherent in said traumatic reactions is structural dissociation of the personality. Where three types of structural dissociation have been postulated: primary structural dissociation, secondary structural dissociation and tertiary structural dissociation.

To Do the Deed, the Dance of Death To understand what a person with PTSD goes through "in the moment" we have to think beyond our belief of how we would handle ourselves in a high stress life or death situation. Put self away, go to that place that enables you to kill or be killed.

Would You Want to Forget the Biggest Most Influential Part of Your Life? The sad truth is that the American Public has become blinded to the plight of our vets and this has become evident of the ease to condemn those that commit crimes, and vilify them rather than to actually solve the dilemmas we face. We have become accustomed to ignoring our veterans who have defended our nation, since after WWII we have become your person you love to hate. This is who we are, we who do what you do not want to do and wear the emotional scars and bear your shame.

Zoning Out...I am sitting here going through my rituals of emotional blocking...closing my eyes, putting my right arm across my stomach with my left arm resting on my right. Then I use my hand to run down my face, starting from my forehead then down to my nose...I have been focused on my nose for about three days now, I have been picking at the skin until it is raw. I cannot forget the pausing that I go through when I am in this dissociate position. I zone out for several minutes at a time, I can loose hours if I do not try and meditate or pray...

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for your website/blog Scott. I am trying to write a research paper for my Bachelor's Degree and found your site from google. \
    This has helped me in so many ways since I am also a nurse aide in a nursing home for veterans. We have men and women and spouses of all ages in our nursing home so it is a great place to find information on helping my friends the residents. Thanks again and I hope you find the support you need.


Please share your comments, stories and information. Thank you. ~ Scott Lee