Image via WikipediaPositive said,
Scott, please don't misunderstand that I only fear that you may regress. I'm very concerned that when you get angry you may regress into what you were. I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. It wasn't meant to. I'm just concerned. When you get angry, you tend to spiral in a downhill motion that lasts days, weeks, or sometimes months and years. I just don't want to see that again. Being aware of some of the things you have done when you're in that state of mind, I truly don't think I can be at fault for being concerned about your frame of mind when your that angry. You were angry-and told me you were very pissed, I told you to get on your blog and let it out-that's why I was so concerned. I just don't want all of us to have a remake of what once was.My response,
When you and [Our son] had the argument, it hurt me. I knew it was bound to happen. [Our son] has had so many emotions built up inside him for so long, it was inevitable he was going to explode one day. In time he will come around. Until he does, let's just try to continue what we're trying to do. I'm trying to help him threw this to the best of my ability. Its not easy but, it is things he needs to hear. He has to deal with it in his own way. We are all different and, all of us handle situations differently. Yes, he is back with his girlfriend now. I'm happy about that. If the blow-up hadn't happened he may not have been. In saying that maybe it needed to happen. At some point, however; it was destined to happen anyway.
I sincerely hope that you never let yourself regress as far as you did in the past. Its my fear that one day you will. I hope it never happens, not ever.
The boys and you have finally been talking for about 3 straight years. I'm happy about that. They always needed you-even if they didn't know it. This is just something that had to happen between you and [Our son]. I'm deeply sorry it happened the way it did.
I am torn between feeling relieved that people are listening to you about this and reeling from the fallout. Yesterday was part of this fallout, I'm sure you have heard.
I know this is beneficial to all, even if it hurts a lot now. The truth will give our family the tools to succeed, for without knowing where they lie then we will trip over them in the dark. Remember all trauma will leave a mark on the soul and at times this can color the story of a shared reality making it so that neither has a firm grasp on actual reality.
I have to say, I do not remember most of what you say happened. I understand that does not mean that it did not, what happened to you was real.
You and the Mistress have both said when we go into those moments where our civilian self exits and our combat self emerges we become someone or something else. Her last post and comments following carry a similar message where she has the realization that the man she married is still in there. Please read it, it may help you piece together your narrative.
Good luck, please Positive be gentile with me at this time. While I am not going to revert to all of my old ways, I am in a great amount of pain from the fallout. Really, it is probably more due to my guilt that I have been burying for 20 years. I talk about my childhood as being the worst. What I was trying to do was embellish that so that I could say, "Hey that was worse than war." Well I'm here to tell the world that NO, war is worse than any childhood.
A bad childhood can only help one become a better killer in combat, but it was combat that made me dangerous to my loved ones, not my childhood. My childhood made me a thug, war made me a monster.
Today I am not that monster, I am more the me you knew before war than I have ever been in my life. The reason I say we come home everyday from battle is the me before war everyone in a while will wake up...like it was 20 years ago, and ask myself is it over yet? I swear to God it is like I woke up from a coma and the year is still 1989 and time has stood still. It is so scary...I'm fucking balling again.
Those moments used to turn into all out war for the monster, but today I know the fog of war will pass as I wait patiently for it to vaporize.