I Was The Driver, On Point For The Division, So I Saw It All

I was writing about the "troop organism" and the squad mentality in my last paper. This line of inquiry took me back to a time when I felt totality, never since have I been more alive and whole. A complete sense of unity, an omnipresence with my squad so whole within my surroundings, including the enemy snuffed, especially those souls. I carry them today; the weight of such suffering that I now hold within. I have a sense of responsibility to those lives we took, I hold such guilt that at times it overwhelms me to the point of incapacitation.

My surviving has had such an impact on my life that many times I find myself not being worthy of having survived, and I know that this thought is not rational, but at times I cannot shake it. Many times in my life I thought of killing myself because of the crushing guilt, all due to my survival and inability to put behind me these thoughts of incompleteness.

Thinking back now, I feel that the absence of the completeness I felt back in 1991 coupled with the guilt of surviving have combined to form a disorganized attachment to the soldiers that were killed. In losing my attachment to the troop-organism, I unconsciously reformed that attachment on the one thing that I could take home with me, my guilt. In losing my squad-selves and my subsequent identifying with the enemy soldiers, I unwittingly formed a festoon of guilt and hung it upon my soul.

I know that they were the enemy, it was kill or be killed...But my God, when we were shooting and hitting them I saw their tanks and vehicles blowing up in grand fashion, it seemed so beautiful. I remember the sight was so awe inspiring, the turrets flipping end over end, fire spraying upwards to a hundred feet. I could feel in the back of my mind, my humanity, trying to tell me that there were people in those tanks. My mind tried to tell that I could actually see the bodies felling over and over, within the upwelling of fire...no, no that cannot be...I was too far from them to actually see. So I told myself.

The reality set in when we saw the charred remains of the vehicles and realizing that no one could have lived through that. I remember trying not to think of my vehicle getting hit like that. The guilt began to creep up on me when we saw the pitiful encampments of the regular soldiers; we saw their food stocks...rice and rotting tomatoes...nothing more, and little of that. We joked of how we were glad to be on our side, again I felt the little bit of guilt niggling at me to witness and take in what we saw.

Today, I carry the guilt of thousands of soldiers who lost their lives to the meat grinder of the US Army by way of the M1A1 Abrams Main Battle tank sabot rounds, of the Apache helicopter hellfire missiles, the 30mm A10 Warthog Gatling guns, multiple launch rocket systems and the 105 mm howitzer to name a few.

To find out how bravely the Iraqi Republican Guard units fought against an over whelming foe, follow this link (then click on "correcting myths").

I still chase that sense of totality...I was the driver, on point for the division, so I saw it all.

Dedicated Soldiers, Combat Values and the Shattering of a Mind

Without dedicated soldiers we could not enjoy the freedoms and way of life that we experience today. They lead on when all seems to be the contrary and the insurmountable becomes their triumphs. Testaments to the Corp, the Queen of Battle and to moral imperatives most will never understand.

That does not mean that there will be no conflicts, just that more will see their struggles as a way to grow instead of digress. For the veteran or soldier whose mind has been compartmentalized from complex PTSD, recovery can take years. I had to learn coping skills to deal with my mind wanting to constantly shut down, zone out or detach from emotions, people and life in general. By becoming aware of this automatic emotional response I can generally reverse the effects most of the time, unless I have been experiencing severe stress which I do not always realize.

In a combat environment overcoming the initial emotional crisis takes an ability to close off our humanity to engage in combat. We must develop a combat-values system with a preset conditional internal guidance system pre-programmed to engage within the "troop-organism." Being removed from the protective feeling that this state of mind, the troop can develop a deep feeling of loss and guilt combined with a profound solitary disengagement from others who they now cannot identify with. Going from a deep sense of belonging and protection the troop gets the feeling of facing the world alone.

Some of our soldiers become stuck in this combat-mind state, and they seek behavior reminiscent of that combat edge, usually without realizing why. The combat-mind is one of survival and instantaneous decision making without much consideration to consequences. In society individuals stuck in this dysfunctional mode can find themselves having to deal with serious consequences.

None of this is an excuse for his behavior, but a foray into my behavior and an understanding of my actions. Thinking patterns and processes underlying our everyday activities and greatly influence our beliefs and emotional states. If we cannot examine them we will be led by them. By constantly challenging our beliefs we can become free from the rigid ideological military indoctrination and can engage in a meaningful exchange within our communities.

This is the beginning of a mental health epidemic for our Iraqi and Afghanistan veterans. Check out my blog as it chronicles my journey with PTSD and its effects on my life as it relates to what will be coming for our veterans coming home. We will see more of our veterans succumb to addiction, put in prison, commit suicide, or institutionalized, all a growing national trend that we need to face and overcome.

Veterans and Problems With Attachments to Significant Others

We may not even be aware of the changes that have occurred in ourselves or home life, and could deny it all. If this happens, do not try and convince them otherwise as they may perceive this as an attack and shut you out emotionally. By giving him or her the information and time to process it you have done what you could for now.

It took many years before I felt that i needed help. By educating yourself on the psychological impact of war on the mind, you can encourage and support your soldier or veteran. We do not want to be coddled, but some understanding of our new way of thinking can go a long way in negating misunderstandings. Our fundamental thinking patterns have been altered and will take some time to adjust and reincorporate a different conceptualization into our lives.

In a combat environment overcoming the initial emotional crisis takes an fundamental alteration of our cognitive structure which closes off our humanity to engage in combat. We must develop a combat-values system with a preset conditional internal guidance system pre-programmed to engage within the "troop-organism." The squad level of interpersonal identification, an extension of the battle buddies self.

Being removed from the protective feeling that this state of mind brings, the troop can develop a deep feeling of loss and guilt combined with a profound solitary disengagement from others who they now cannot identify with. Going from a deep sense of belonging and protection the troop gets the feeling of facing the world alone, even in the midst of family and friends.

The splits in personal structures of the combat veteran or soldier, a recognition and extension of differing personal identifications of self along with partnerships with the battle buddies, individuality ceases to exist to engage the machinations of combat and killing. Reconciling this wound of the soul will take time.

Long after the war ends, the battle still rages.