Wife of a Combat Veteran Seeks Guidance

I received this email from a reader which touches on a common situation facing spouses of combat veterans. I have an understanding between myself and my Higher Power that he will send people my way and my part is to point out that they have been chosen to advance the cause of their personal experiences with respect to the dilemmas they face.

We as humans will be surprised at the depths of suffering we can survive and the heights in which we can prevail. I am always telling people, "You will be surprised at what you can do when faced with hardship and how much you can handle when given the right tools to succeed."

Her email,

I have spent hours reading your blog and trying to understand. I am proud of my husband…for what he did for our country. I am not proud of the hateful man he is now. I love him and will forever stand beside him, but can you give me any idea of where I, as the wife, can go to gain assistance with dealing with the insanity that comes with being married to a man with PTSD. I am at my wits end and tired of crying and trying to be strong and support him.

My response,

I would suggest that you get involved with some organizations that advocate for the family of combat veterans with PTSD. I am certain that women in your area have similar situations to find the support that you need. You cannot go through this alone, it will destroy you and your relationship with your husband. Does he want to seek help, or has he been receiving help? Either way if you want to remain sane throughout the process then get active in your life, find support, advocate for better care for our veterans and support for families. If you have a lack of organizations or support groups in your area then start one.

Think of this as an opportunity to advance the standard of care for our veterans and the support of the families. Keep researching to better understand your husband and to better understand your self in this situation and reactions to his behavior.

I believe that my experiences in life will serve a higher purpose and that I have been chosen by God to prepare myself to become a combat trauma therapist. With my unique insights from both sides of the prism of PTSD, I will be able to empathize and help my clients in such a way as to guide them out of the fog of war and into productive lives. Maybe, you have been chosen to do similar work to advance the cause of increasing awareness and support for spouses and families of combat veterans.

Do not forget that this has completely changed your life, now it is up to you to turn your experiences into a force for change.

• Educate yourself to better understand your internal processes
  
• Review your internal values and belief systems
  
• Reevaluate your life's direction outside of work
  
• Get involved with women of combat veterans
  
• Find the inner warrior to combat the stigma, lack of care and understanding
  
• Evaluate skills you possess and translate them to your life outside work
• Begin to seek out your new path in life

If I left something out or you have more suggestions for our newfound friend, please post a comment.

Round and Round the VA Merrygoround

I am doing the, "Hey not in my backyard" thing with the VA again. I go to one therapist in an attempt to be admitted to the PTSD program and they tell me, no, that I am depressed to go see another therapist. It took me 2 months to see this one, then I get another appointment, and then, they tell me to move on down the road. Now at the VA getting in to see a new therapist. So, now I have to wait to see another therapist and guess what? Yep, you guessed it, another two months, add this up, 5 freaking months.

I know that I am depressed AND I know that my PTSD is kickin. Treat PTSD in one clinic, depression in another.....this is madness! No wonder veterans do not come back to another appointment.

Wait, did I just go into a tangent? I was trying to say that I want to go through EMDR therapy, it might take me another 5 months to receive it, but THEY will not get me to turn away!! Thats all folks a little help here please!!

What to do With a Drug and Alcohol Abuser

Mixed throughout some of my latest articles I have written about events centered around drug use and abuse. Over at A Soldier's Perspective I received a great question on a recent article, by a reader calling herself Susan.

Great story. A memorable milestone in your life. As a mom, I have to ask you how you went from a drug user to a soldier? Was there any defining moment in that change. I ask because I am a mother of a 20 year old young man. A young man I have found to my dismay is using drugs. I am lost as to how to help and live somewhat fearful for him.

Beyond taking a 2×4 across his head I am lost in this struggle. (Please note as a disclaimer that I would use the 2 x 4 with as much unconditional love that I could muster!)

any advice?

My reply to a well timed question,

Susan, I went from a soldier to a drug and alcohol user immediately upon returning home. Although I drank before I deployed, it did not get me into a spectrum of trouble until after combat. It took me 15 years of trouble at home, 2 marriages, alienating my children, problems with the law, violence, anger, 30 jobs, homelessness and landing in a long-term drug and treatment facility before I could come to terms with my addiction and mental illness (PTSD).

Many factors may contribute to your sons using and degree of using. He may be an occasional user, a frequent user or a chronic user. Even if his using is only occasional you could get friends, family and significant others together that love him and tell him of your concerns about his using drugs.

Does he have a mental health diagnosis, or do you suspect he may a mental illness? He could be self medicating, if this is the case then it will probably be harder to get him to quit because he may be seeking and receiving some relief in using.

If his using has caused him legal problems or difficulty holding a job, then he may need further interventions.

Some suggestions, If He Does Not Want Help:

• If he/she does not want help then he will need to reach his "bottom" (12-Step talk for abject demoralization), before they will seek help.
• Enabling an addict will only increase their use and dependence on you (causing you greater stress and safety issues).
• Do not let an addict borrow money.
• Do not trust an addict, they will use it against you.
• Call the police if you fear for your safety (you cannot help him if you are injured or dead).
• You may have to kick the addict out of the house, even if that means they will be homeless. (due to stealing, violence, or other situations that jeopardize the safety of the homes occupants).
• Throughout let him/her know that you are there for them if they want help and spell that help out for him/her.
• Before you help, they must sign into a drug treatment program.
• Unconditional love does not mean that you have to give them everything they "want", only what they "need". What they want will only become relevant to him/her or you if they are the one achieving it.