I am a sister, a daughter, a mother, a wife, a combat veteran. It's sad to say that after all this time the horror I have experienced in the war still haunts me. It is affecting my relationship with my children and my marriage to my husband of 10 years. I felt so alone sometimes...empty...mad...I can see myself changed after my service and I don't know how to fill the emptiness inside me. Things around me in the civilian world still triggers my memory. I want to forget everything and move on. I couldn't.... I found my self sometimes staring at a distance...screaming silently inside of me...tears would fall down my cheeks..my husband would ask.."Whats wrong? Do you want to talk?" I always say nothing...I felt that I need to enlist in the service again just to feel whole again...I don't know what to do....My suggestions,
Welcome home. Some suggestions...do not reenlist...that will make your situation worse and you could possibly loose everything. Right now you feel like everything is wrong. Today you have been experiencing delayed reactions to the insanity of combat but did not have time to process during the threats to your life. If you would have felt what you feel today on the scale you experience today, while in combat, then you would of had a greater chance of getting killed.
What you are experiencing is a normal reaction that happens when we leave the adrenaline driven world of combat and then transition to home in the "real world" (which to us seems to be a false reality). Our world view have been completely and permanently altered by what we witnessed. To describe "what I did" in combat usually leads to use of the word "witnessed." I can only reconcile my spiritual side by seeking the perspective of a witness; to never forget, to be vigilant in advocating for the mentally wounded and to find a personal purpose from the insanity of war. This was paramount for me to move past the position you reside in now.