Have you ever felt so sad, that sad where zoning out can mask momentarily? Where a laugh can give you a spritzer of joy, but falls flat into felling of sorrow?
I do not want to take my medications anymore, they make me feel less of a man. I want to feel my virility as I effortlessly strum her passion.
That sadness that engulfs and to answer I call upon disconnection, not just from everything and everyone but the self that I seek as it flees my rationality.
Yes, I have been that sad. The poet didn't understand your paper at all. You were very forgiving. Years ago while on a road trip I found the words, "Sad is when God doesn't get his own way." Sad is also when I and me can't communicate together. I sees me and me can see I but they live in completely separate and different worlds without any cooperation which ruins the integrity of love making completely.
ReplyDeleteIt becomes more about trying to keep an erection rather than making love...sex life in the last three months :) is all I'll say...
ReplyDeleteIt's been a very bad three months for many of us. I don't know if this will help but from personal experience getting in bed again after my husband's affair and the "professional" advice received; the secret to happy copulating is absolute generosity from every personality part that is sharing in the activity.
ReplyDeleteYes, you get it. With the fractured soul of a chronically traumatized person it can be difficult at times as the different parts of personality can submerge back into the icy waters of persona revealing only the shell of the person. Thus the dispersement of the person is incomplete and an awkward fumble finds the copious sieve and sprays the couple with expectations, frustrations and the battlefield of resentments blazes a hot furnace.
ReplyDeleteToday I let the shadow persona swap places with the shell. Too many peoples comments to me recently have rocked my boat and I fell out and found I swim just fine in the water. The thought occurred to me that my true reality is the tramatized wife to the PTSD and periodic alcohol abuse. So now, the sweet innocent helpful sot is far below and the emotional wreck is regaining control. : )
ReplyDeleteIt ebbs and flows, especially when I let myself come out of my shell as you say. For me it is like coming home, I come home from war everyday and some days I actually get to go home and spend time with my family and even relearning how to be. I did this shell game for 15 years...
ReplyDeleteWelcome home sister, welcome home...
No words can reach what cannot be said,
ReplyDeleteNothing made will fill the hole,
but know that I for one am listening,
attending to your tortured soul.
You have given me a means of continuing, Scott. Thank you for being all your years and for sharing your wisdom earned.
God bless you and all who love you!
Joan Marie
Hey Scott,
ReplyDeleteAfter Reading This I Have The Feeling, You Are On The Right Path .Yes You Are
You Can Not Run Away From Your self My Dear
You Did Which Was In Your Divine Plan
If God Can Still Love You , Try To Love Yourself
You Deserve That
Yours,
Simple
Joan, I hope you are following this thread still. Would be cool to continue this conversation we have been having over the last couple of years. God bless you too, it is readers like you who have saved me many times over from myself.
ReplyDeleteSimple, God seeks confirmation through others who speak on His behalf, I hear Him through you. May God bless you.