Dreams

I took a couple of elective courses during my Masters’ work and came away feeling like the courses were established for “normal” people and not Combat PTSD veterans… I know you are going; DUHHH!!!  I was hoping to find some answers other than in the numerous psychopathology courses I had taken on why my dream world is so much better than my real world.  I don’t mean the night mares, flashbacks and hallucinations; I mean real pre-combat like dreams.  The think I wanted an answer for “why aren’t I an active part of the dreams?”

A phenomena related to the dreams is that I don’t even recognize the places or people, and I am not a part of the dream.  I am aware subconsciously that I am observing things; but I am not an active part of the interactions of the characters that make up my dream world.  Is this a preview of my next life?  Is my subconscious picking up on wishes and/or subconscious parts of my pre-combat self that was good and innocent to the cruelty that man can inflict on man in the name of war?  I am even able to feel emotion in these dreams; unlike my post-combat self that many times have to manufacture emotions to satisfy the needs of others.  I am not saying this is all of my dream world, because it is not.  But it is the part that I do not want to wake up from.  This dream world is so much better than the real world that I exist in on a daily bases.  Reaching out to satisfy others needs in not part of my dream world.  The emotions I observe are not pretentious, but overtly genuine.

How many of us have wanted to reach out and give our wife, husband, or child and give them a hug; but this terrible disorder keeps us at arm’s length?  My wife tells me she understands; but this is only empathy and not true understanding.  Myself, along with many of you, I am sure feel different levels of sorrow for our loves ones.  Why could they have not loved someone else?  Why did they get stuck with us?  Someone who is capable of returning true unadulterated love and emotions from a person that has not seen the horrors of war?  Why did our children have to have someone like us as a parent?  Why could they have not been blessed with a parent who still viewed the good in things and not the negativity that accompanies Combat PTSD?  I will talk more about this at a later date; but I hope this some small manner answers a few questions for the family members of Combat PTSD veterans.

Rob

MEDS

Psychotropic medications for Combat PTSD that are prescribed for you by your doctor; DO YOUR RESEARCH BEFORE YOU START TAKING THE MEDS… 
After my crash I came in under the old VA model of fill your butt full of psychotropic meds and adjust downward.  The young warriors are under the new VA model of cognitive intervention along with medication as needed.  BUT NOT IN ALL CASES!

Do your homework on your meds. If you yourself are having too many problems to do the research, and when I mean research I am speaking of the side effects of the medications, have your wife, partner, or someone you trust Goggle or better yet if you have a psychopharmacology book look it up.  I will get into this in much greater detail in the future; but for now please don’t just stick meds down your throat because the VA says you need them.

You may wish to live with the disorder on a different level than the side effects of the meds dictate you to live your live on.  I will list all my meds that I have been on over the last ten years in a later post…  I decided pleasing my wife sexually, and dealing with the hallucinations and night terrors was preferable to the medications.  I am on a regiment of meds.  But it is a regiment that my psychiatrist at the VA and I have agreed upon and he had done his best to minimize the side effects that undesirable for me.  THINK… 
Rob

First Person: Combat PTSD

My name is Rob Honzell, Sr. and I am a Marine Combat Veteran who served in the Vietnam War. I served two tours with 1st Recon eventually assigned to the Phoenix Program. I am the author of First Person: Combat PTSD. The offering was self-published, not by necessity, but by choice. The two publishers that bid on the book wished to turn my life’s journey into a novel. I did not reveal very intimate details of my live to have it turned into something that the average combat vet and his/her family could not relate to. The most gratifying emails and comments concerning the book are, "I read your book and realize that this is my husband", "I now know why my dad acts the way he does", and "My wife is a different person since she came back from Iraq, now I know why." This is why I chronicled my life and laid it out for public scrutiny and examination, and why I gave up so much in doing so. In a later contribution if I will explain the previous statement in greater detail.

I still have family members and ex-wives not talking to me over the book. It is what it is; a detailed account of my combat experiences in a special operations unit. An account of the trauma that precipitated the onset of the anxiety disorder labeled as Combat PTSD.