I recently attended my third session of Cognitive Processing Therapy. Week one was difficult as my assignment was to write about how my trauma has affected my life. I know that sitting down and thinking about the physical, mental, and emotional manifestations of my trauma will set me off. Immediately I went into self-preservation mode and struggled to figure out how to write this requirement without losing control of my emotions. The directions asked for one page. I hand-wrote one page. There were specific areas to focus on: e.g. relationships, security, physical, etc. To minimize my reaction, I wrote the page at work where my job will certainly distract me from getting completely sucked into a flashback or crying jag.
The assignment for the second week was to take my trauma and two other instances and examine what happened, what I thought, and how did I feel. Then I had to look at what I told myself and determine if those thoughts were realistic. In my case, I was told so many times by people in authority in the Army that because I was drinking, I deserved what I got. I believed for may years that if I had not been drinking, I would not have been raped. Is that realistic? Maybe I wouldn't have been raped if I was sober. Maybe I could have fought back if I was sober. Likely it would not have made a difference because my rapist was on a mission. Regardless, I did not deserve to be raped and I will never know if drinking or not drinking mattered. It is a struggle to remember that my drinking made things easier for my rapist, but likely didn't really make a difference in the outcome of those nights.
This week, Week Three, my assignment is to write about my traumas. I have already written about my rape in Aberdeen in 1993. This time I am supposed to focus on my rape in Germany in 1994. The second trauma is one I had only vague memories I didn't want to put together. After seeing Invisible War and years of therapy, I remember too much. That is the trauma I haven't faced and now am being forced to, in my opinion. One day after getting the assignment, I am fighting it. I don't want to remember despite being sick to my stomach, being more depressed, being more anxious, and the continuous smell of the basement I haven't been in in 19 years. I know those symptoms should lessen if I deal with this, but I can't deal with this. I don't have time to deal with this now.
Another thought has come to mind to follow me everywhere. Who will I be without these constant reminders and relivings? Who am I without my traumas hidden away inside of me?
January 18, 2013
Two Weeks Into CPT
4 Comments:
The trauma's we do not remember are the most intrusive, they have the most power over us. The ones that rip the reality from our center; flashbacks, hallucinations and dissociative fugues. The traumas will always be there. By focusing on the trauma you fear the most it will set you free in the near future.
The unresolved traumas take on huge roles in our lives. Major sections of our thinking become involved in avoiding and projecting. This sets up powerful reactions to our triggers, the most severe reactions of PTSD and MST; the dissociative features named above.
You don't have to accept to write it all out at once. Start with 10 minute sessions. If you can do that 3 times a day. If you write more go ahead. The idea is accepting to write about your trauma for 10 minutes. An achievable goal in the context of time it takes to prepare mentally before and the decompression time afterward.
You are not alone, welcome home.
Thank you for sharing your experience. In reading this I was hooked by your statement that you, as I understand it, feel forced to deal with this. My hope for you would be that you could access a place inside where you might choose to deal w/ it for a reason that is connected to your personal values. If you can find that, I think you will tap into the stamina you need to continue this important work. Best of luck to you, Sir.
Stacy, not to be a bitch, but I am not a sir.
There are days when I feel like I am being forced to face things I do not want to remember much less examine. However, I am the one forcing myself to go through this process. I requested CPT, therefore I choose to deal with my MST.
That being said, choice or not, the process is arduous and painful at times. the results are elusive at first. I will find the stamina as I have been doing for years living with MST.
I do appreciate your advice and kind words of encouragement.
Michelle Monte
Michelle,
Oh, my apologies for calling you sir! Duh, forehead slap.
I found your blog while I was looking for the provider training in CPT. Right now I'm completing a self-study web course. Your blog is so valuable b/c it's helpful to hear how this work is experienced by a client. I am a clinical social worker w/ a background in trauma work and I'm interested in CPT b/c of the research supporting it. But it's good to remember the real people involved and that just b/c it works doesn't mean it's easy.
I really wish you peace and healing in your endeavor.
Stacy Doney
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