Ok..so am in a really funky ass mood today. Don't know why, guess I am tired number one. Number two? Just simply overloaded. So as from my last blog, you know that I was quite a busy bee this past week and weekend, but my mood has been good. I had some problems with my legs swelling, so much so that they resembled elephant legs as some people called it. The American Red Cross nurse that was out at the Homecoming took my blood pressure and said she was very concerned about my leg. Hell, I was concerned!
I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis which is a real bitch some days. Most days it's tolerable and I really just get so used to hurting all the time that I don't pay attention to it anymore. Some days are so bad that I don't want to do anything or breathe. I went to my doctor today and she is concerned that I am doing too much and needed to slow down. More meds, more pain meds, more of this, and oh we really need to send you to a Vascular Specialist. "You are going to simply have to start taking care of yourself and take it easy". When? I don't know if the "more meds" part really disturbed me today, but just busted out in tears! Fortunately, she knows my husband and knows of our situation. It seems in the past year, I have been slightly heading on the downhill road of health, and the part that scares me the most? Who is going to take care of me? Hell just between PTSD and now TBI, my physician has added Valium, medicine for tension headaches, sleep aid at night for nightmares I am suffering, and Cymbalta for pain management for RA and depression from dealing with my husband.
Miss Mistress has had a bad day and needs to vent about taking care of her family and her combat disabled veteran...
I married with the intent of "to death do us part-in sickness and in health"....the past three years, I have been taking care of my husband and I am wore out. Mentally and physically. Just the "capping your ass cheeks together" waiting on him to blow up or flip out, takes a toll on you. I, as the good old Army says, "carry on" each and every day sacrificing everything for my kids and my husband. Now my oldest knows his mom is sick, and tries to help me in many ways. He not only has his chores, but carries up laundry and takes it down the stairs....helps me with his two younger brothers which is a huge help. When I talk to my husband and say hey, I need a little help around here. He replies "Well tell +++++ to get off his ass and help more!". This comment has really bugged me because I spent the most part of my childhood with a sick mom. I don't want my oldest child growing up resentful although the work gives him a sense of responsibility and of course, an allowance. I need more help from my husband, not my oldest child. He needs to be outside and playing, going over to friend's house and them coming here, not worrying about his mom and having to help run the house.
So today, I opened up my old lady pill box and added yet, more medications. I just sobbed because I can't help but think....in some odd years, it's going to get worse. Then what will I do? Who will take care of my husband then? I have been the cornerstone of my family and what happens if one day I keel over? Morbid and a little extreme I know. But, what happens to my children then? They would be in the care of my husband who can't remember half the time where the hell he is! I don't know if I was so much upset today over my health, or just the future possibilities of my family. When I am sick, still expected to have supper on the table, laundry done, house picked up, and everything else in between. It would be nice if my husband could turn back on his emotions and feel a little sympathetic to me. What I would not give to have my husband come home, and coddle me when I am sick instead of leaving me here with the little ones and never calls to check on me.
I miss that.
Ok, so call me a baby and tell me to suck up the big girl panties and drive on. I guess I am feeling a little sorry for myself. I know my husband tells me all the time how much he lost going to war, but hell, does he ever stop to think how much we as a family lost as well? Does PTSD really make you so self-centered and incapable of feelings that you can't stop to see what is going on around you? I love my husband, but it has to be a little giving rather than taking all the time. If I could, I would totally work for a DD-214 from the military and PTSD. I love my volunteer work for my soldiers and their families, I love the work I do for my non-profit, but some days wish someone would take a little care of me. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I would love to have my birthday recognized again by my husband, or our anniversary. I know he can't help it but be forgetful, but sometimes I need him to remind me he still loves me. Whether it be an anniversary dinner (which is out because of being out in public) or simply bringing me a hot cup of tea and asking me how I feel when I am down. There are days where I just want to be acknowledged as we are constantly surrounded by PTSD/TBI. It's sucking us down into a hole, and I am afraid it will get so deep that we can't get back up! I can't imagine what anyone goes through with having these conditions, but sometimes I wish they would stop and realized it's not them that suffers, its all that are around them. Give us some credit too in the process. Drying up the tears, and pulling up the big girl panties......
More Medicated and Sad Tonight,
Uncle Sam's Mistress