January 21, 2009

Dissociation, Fructose, Insomnia and Escape

I was just having a moment of depersonalization and derealization, where I felt apart from self in away that I felt as if I was beginning to float above myself. No, I am not under the influence of any mind altering drugs. I am doing research on PTSD, mental health and veterans. It is 3:16 AM and I took my nighttime meds (100mg hydroxyzine and 1600 gabapentin) at about midnight and just ate four ice cream sandwiches (I know, I have to get a hold of this sugar addiction).

I am feeling kind of tired, and have been having insomnia for the past three nights. Four or five nights ago I had a nightmare that I tried waking up from and could not awaken myself So, that was a run down on where my mind set is right now, I am in a zone of dissociative self-states. I feel outside of myself, that my boundaries have been blurred. I think that I sometimes get caught up in feeling like this as a means to escape I realized this state of mind when eating the last ice cream sandwich and felt as though rising above myself, I looked down at my hand and it was out of focus. When I refocused and landed it back onto myself and felt the resolidifying of self

6 comments:

  1. What does this teach us about PTSD, Scott? How can PTSDers inhibit the dissociative state while it's in progress? Will staring at a single, solid object always help? Or is there some internal speak that goes along with that?

    Or maybe, just a good ole ice cream sandwich to remind us of the good things in life. ;)

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  2. Staring at a single object, I do not think that will break the spell, just prolong the affect. I think maybe when I feed into to the dissociation before I go to bed then I can go to sleep and not dream (or at least remember them).

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  3. Next Time give me a call. I'm always up for a cup of joe.

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  4. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

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  5. This makes me want to cry. Just hearing someone else know what I've been dealing with makes me realize how no one in my life will ever understand.

    I don't know if it's healthy, but I just accept the derealization. i find if i think about it too much it makes me anxious which perpetuates it.

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  6. There is a way to break the cycle, awareness of these states of minds; learning our triggers, examining our beliefs, a willingness to engage and assert a mindful temperament without shutting people out

    {working on that one myself right now, I'm not calling people, not answering the phone - really pissing people off...so yeah I hear me...blah, blah, blah}

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Please share your comments, stories and information. Thank you. ~ Scott Lee