December 10, 2007

A Beginning

I struggled with PTSD for 14 years before I received help for it. My experience with the Veteran's Administration (VA) bureaucracy discouraged me from getting the help that I needed. I attempted to get help 7 times within the VA system. The VA requires that you receive a diagnosis before treatment can begin. But they have you talk about the trauma that gave you the problems without the aid to help you through the triggered responses. It always sent me into a tail spin with no way around it, until I landed in a drug and alcohol treatment center after 14 years of insanity.

I started reading about PTSD to find out why I felt the way that I felt and did the things that i did. I started college along this time and started to have a catharsis, life started coming together in a way that it never had before.

As things progress in a positive manner I began to see how my life could help others and that's when I decided to go to school and become a therapist and specialize in PTSD and trauma therapy. I'm going for a masters in social work, that being the quickest way to attain my goals. I want to work at the VA and try and do some changes on the inside to help other soldiers come to terms with their illness. Then I plan to have my own practice and treat combat trauma in a long term treatment center from a holistic perspective, working on the complete person.

December 5, 2007

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: A Veteran's Perspective

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:

From A Combat Veterans Perspective

Scott Lee

12/2/2007

Returning Combat Veterans have a difficult time reintegrating back into society and family life. The scope of this paper explains these issues as they relate to the hindrance of Veterans from attaining a meaningful and productive life.

Returning Combat Veterans (RCV), have a difficult time reintegrating back into society and family life. They deal with a myriad of symptoms combining to hinder the RCV from coping in the civilian world, while having constructive relationships with their family and friends. The RCV struggles with these issues on a daily basis. The scope of this paper explains these concerns as they relate to the hindrance of the veteran from attaining a meaningful and productive life.

The symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) range from acute recurring of memories, nightmares and flashbacks, sleep problems, chronic fatigue, ego developmental disorder, defense mechanism dysfunction, dissociative states, memory repression and memory loss, identity diffusion, chronic depression and suicidal ideation. Substance abuse, addiction, survivor's guilt and somatoform disorders further encumber our soldiers in arms suffering from PTSD.

Combat trauma experiences can cause sleep disturbances in RCV who suffer from PTSD, for the purpose of this section we will concentrate on the psychological aspects of sleep deprivation and the side effects inherent with mental health problems (Caldwell et al, 2005). The avoidance response enables a deadening or numbing of feeling and aids in societal and expressive withdrawal, reducing participation with the external world. The intrusive responses include hyperarousal, irritability and an exaggerated startle reaction, acting out violently, nightmares, flashbacks, and hypersensitivity to stimuli in the environment (Silverstein 1994). “PTSD develops when traumatic events are unresolved and the person is unable to integrate the reality of the particular event and resulting repetitive replaying of the traumatic images, behaviors, feelings, physiological states, and interpersonal relationships” (Caldwell et al, p. 722).

The dreaming process of memory consolidation, when modified by the effects of PTSD and sleep disorders in patients affects Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep. An association lies between REM sleep and the processing of memory fragments and information into semantic memory. These processes aid in the contextual consolidation and formation of fluid memories, much like a computer arranges and stores information on its hard drive. A lack of sleep often disrupts this process and leads to memory fragmentation, memory loss or repression of memories. Studies showed that RCV had a higher rate of REM sleep than the control groups, indicating a higher dreaming scape for the RCV. The leading theory states that elevated levels of the neurotransmitter norepinephrine in PTSD patients while awake and asleep, creates a hyperarousal and hypervigiliant sleep state where traumatic dreams recur (Caldwell et al).

The fifth stage of Erikson's stages of psychological development deals with the identity verses role confusion crisis which normally happens in late adolescence and early adulthood. In this stage the person has formulated their constitution of personality, connecting the past with the present. Essential to the completion of this task is the successful formation of principles and moral judgment to make choices in areas such as profession and marriage. “[Erikson] observed a phenomenon which he described as an identity crises, suggesting that through the exigencies of war [the RCV] lost a sense of personal sameness and historical continuity. They were impaired in that central control over themselves for which in the psychoanalytic scheme, only the inner agency of the ego could be held responsible. Therefore, I spoke of a loss of ego identity.” (Silverstein, p. 71). Most of the young women and men inducted into the military have yet to crystallize their formation of a self-image; with the underdeveloped individual identity the effects have been tremendous on the undeveloped ego.

Being deprived of an identity ego formation the soldier has expectations to assimilate back into civilian life and form relationships, provide for their families, and generally assume a civilian personality while shedding their military persona; that which gives them a feeling of safety. Some RCV stay stuck in this military mode of identification, in which they have been taught to conform and repress distinctiveness, autonomy and experimentation; all common experiences in defining oneself and developing a healthy perspective. Silverstein (1994) goes on to quote Erikson, “To be able to truly surrender oneself in an intimate relationship, a certain level of self definition has had to have taken place during the stage of identity formulation. The fluidity of boundaries that occurs when relating intimately or sexually is threatening. The threat is the further loss of identity, which is tenuous to begin with. It is therefore an experience which is avoided by the individual who does not have a firm sense of identity.” A psychic numbing occurs that interrupts and interferes with connections with family, friends, community and a profession

Silverstein (1994) emphasizes Erikson's diffusion of industry as a lack of organizing cognitive tasks, such as concentration, that would be necessary in maintaining an occupation. A fixation with simple activity or a 'spacing out' would hinder a veteran's ability to sustain gainful employment. “His preoccupation with traumatic experiences may have channeled his psychic energy in a way which precluded that which was necessary for career development” (Sliverstein, p. 74). Many RCV have had many sporadic jobs not lasting long in duration, repeating the pattern many years after their war experiences, and thus further reinforcing the undefined character.

Troubles devising a strong sense of identity often result in a development of a negative identity. Culture has an influence on the developing persona as societies norms are modeled after our parents and peers. At a time when adolescents have not completely formulated an ethical belief system conducive to successes within society, they have been subjected to the armed forces value structure. “In combat, strength and force can be the arbiter of justice and morality. The laws of guerrilla warfare pre-empt compliance with the social and legal niceties of the civilian world” (Silverstein, p. 75). Taken from the jungles or the desert to normal life, a survival response such as these endangers the RCV and exposes them to the legal system. Many times traumatized veterans become seditious and wind up on the wrong side of the law. RCV who have failed to effectively assimilate their wartime incidents become encumbered with guilt. RCV exist with the weight of survivor guilt and of their horrific conduct long after the events, hindering their pre-war values.

Impulse control becomes exaggerated from the demand that soldiers respond automatically, without hesitation which could cost them their lives otherwise. “This tendency to act impulsively is not solely a function of the condition of the combat experience. It is also arguably related, to lower levels of ego development, of which reduced impulse control is a concomitant” (Silverstein, p. 76). By using the lack of impulse control, the RVC may use this mechanism as an endeavor of atonement to ally their remorse. These imbalances leave the veteran unable to forgive themselves of their wartime activities with a crippling continuous cycle of insanity and self-torture.

Detachment and estrangement have been experienced by many RCV; many avoid others for fear of rejection. “The veterans have been trained to sense danger even before it occurs. In the face of danger, they have learned to sense and see danger even before it occurs. In the face of danger, they have learned to react quickly and to attack the danger in a way that shifts many of them into a paranoid-schizoid position of functioning” (Bradshaw et al, p. 472). A struggle arises in healing as the veterans move to a depressive position, as stated by Bradshaw et al, p. 472,“…they sense danger related to feelings of loss, guilt, vulnerability, sadness, remorse, compassion, empathy, and loneliness.” To regain control, Bradshaw further says, “…they shift to the less morally ambiguous paranoid-schizoid position. When they make this shift, they justify their feelings [and actions through this defense mechanism, giving them an]…adrenaline rush and [feelings of] no grief or depression.” When this high wears off, they feel even more depressed. This fragmented personality leads to a life of chasing oneself without knowing your relation to others or of what they want from themselves.



References


Bradshaw, Samuel L., et al. (1993). Combat and personality change. Bulletin of the Menninger Clinic. 57 (4), 466-478.

Caldwell, Barbara A., and Redecker, N. (2005). Sleep and trauma: an overview. Mental Health and Nursing, 26, 721-738.

Silverstein, Rebecca. (1994). Chronic identity diffusion in traumatized combat veterans. Social Behavior and Personality, 22 (1), 69-80.

December 1, 2007

Combat PTSD

Why A Combat Veteran Does Not Have Patience

The Combat Values Theory I propose, has to do with a value structure that replaces or overrides our civilian values schema. They consist of primitive instinctual defensive mechanisms of survival and the disintegration of our inhibitions of taking a human life. Identity, cognitive dissonance, hindsight bias, attachment structures, memory and dissociation all have component features in trauma based disorders with evolutionary and cultural considerations. "The culture of combat veteran is formed by a shared experience, often traumatic and rooted in the work of soldiers" (Hobbs, 2008)...

Structural Dissociation of the Personality

The leading theorists on the subject recognize that reactions to extreme stress can lead to one or more differing diagnosis, and that inherent in said traumatic reactions is structural dissociation of the personality. Where three types of structural dissociation have been postulated: primary structural dissociation, secondary structural dissociation and tertiary structural dissociation...

We Cannot Make It Thought the Confines of Our Minds Without Help From Others

For me it was the total sense of feeling alive and being apart of my squad that I missed...

Dedicated Soldiers, Combat Values and the Shattering of a Mind

In a combat environment overcoming the initial emotional crisis takes an ability to close off our humanity to engage in combat. We must develop a combat-values system with a preset conditional internal guidance system pre-programmed to engage within the "troop-organism." Being removed from the protective feeling that this state of mind, the troop can develop a deep feeling of loss and guilt combined with a profound solitary disengagement from others who they now cannot identify with. Going from a deep sense of belonging and protection the troop gets the feeling of facing the world alone...

Veterans and Problems with Attachments to Significant Others

The splits in personal structures of the combat veteran or soldier, a recognition and extension of differing personal identifications of self along with partnerships with the battle buddies, individuality ceases to exist to engage the machinations of combat and killing. Reconciling this wound of the soul will take time...

A Seemingly Serendipitous Supra-Intelligent Guidance of the Subconscious

Identity issues prevail throughout the mind of a PTSD host, so to speak. When I think of a cure my mind almost reels in horror, because of my survival instincts having defeated death as a result of having PTSD, and its shaping of my life. I would not be who I am today without it, this device of PTSD that engages in the survival defensive mechanisms that has sustained my life on a persistent basis..

To Do The Deed, The Dance of Death

Forget the theoretical self analyzing the process, but concentrate on the dominating, primeval alpha self that goes beyond rationalizing why or why not, realize that part of you that goes without thinking. This part operates from the law of the wild, the component that keeps you alive when your life becomes threatened to be snatched away. Your will to survive is an entity of its own and will separate from your rationale to preserve itself, self preservation...

A Prisoner of My Beliefs

By an identification of values, along with acknowledging and deconstructing the combat schema one could find the ability to critically analyze in the moment, the validity of said beliefs as required by situational reflection enabling readjustments and disallowing an inflexibility of position. An underpinning of empowering schema and a reevaluation of ethical morality allows one to find plasticity in the moment producing a positive self-efficacy; a confident and self-assured person...

Warrior Survival Skills

I want the warriors of today to realize that these skill sets can be adapted for use in society, that we can use most of our PTSD symptoms as new skill set...

Soldier's Heart, The Swiss Army Knife of Death

In combat or other trauma what can begin as a detachment of emotions from actions can lead to a fractured self, an "othering" and dehumanizing the part of us capable of dispensing death, the "Soldier's Heart" takes on its own persona deep into the shadows . In combat this defensive mechanism, or "tool of death", works well and allows a device within the person to eradicate the enemy who has been assigned a wholly less than human label of demon, enabling denial of the "killer" in us and identifying the burden of blame on its adversary as due adjudication. Thus fracturing and subdividing the mind into non-localized discoherent detachments, all necessary to survive the absurdity of war...

Shadow Persona

The term shadow persona refers to that part of the individual we deny yet that commands great influence over our behavior while projecting responsibility onto stimuli in the environment or other persons. The haziness of this lack of fully identifying with self can be discerned, it takes time and commitment to overcome our natural defensive mechanisms that have been etched into the mind stemming from great pain...

Personal Attachments, Before and After Combat

In normal environments such as a community, surroundings and especially in our family lives, we as humans develop attachments to people, places and things. Such connections bring a sense of comfort, peace and normalcy along with feelings of protection and safety. We can let down our guard and protective mechanisms around people most familiar to us as we have become bonded to one another...

Lower Recruitment Standards Contributing to Military Suicide Rates?

The troops who do make it out of the theater of combat have been changed in body and mind. They have lost substantial parts of their mind, soul and community. Psychological trauma devastates the battle buddy, spouse, children and splinters everything that once was the bedrock of the American Soldier...

Soldiers in Combat Develop a Powerful Attachment to One Another

A small combat squad that has experienced several fire fights develops a sense of oneness with each other, they have become one organism through the forging process of fight or flight. Due to the nature of killing and survival all of their other emotionality has become severed from their environment and channeled into the solidarity that soldiering brings. If one of them gets wounded or killed they all feel it through their connection of unity...

Fully Train Our Soldiers For The Rigors of War

In the military, especially in combat arms the training centers on becoming effective warriors without a concentration in developing into a full identity and individual, a requirement for reintegration back into society. In a battle with no solid enemy and no apparent battleground the warrior having been trained to combat the physical comes in contact with a foe that can over shadow the imagination.

The identification and reinforcement of values, emotion identification, anger management techniques along with stress management training would enable soldiers to realize better coping strategies when coming out of the combat zone. Further, interpersonal communication and social skills education along with boundaries identification would foster closer relationships with significant others...

Thoughts, Feelings and Behavior

Further on the topic of the combat veteran’s value and principles, these systems have a connection to feelings and emotions or the lack thereof with one who dissociates as most PTSD sufferers do. Emotions and feelings are the arbiters of values, principles, and morality. Without emotive interaction the ethical dilemmas that keep most people in check, can get bypassed with a combat veteran’s lack of affect. The higher level processes of cognitive interaction delve into a consideration of choices and consequences, whereas the traumatized brain operates from the lower base of primitive survival systems and defensive mechanisms. A normal reaction with a non-traumatized brain would trigger an emotive response cascading into consideration of an appropriate response. Where the traumatized brain engages the primitive portion of the mind into a reflexive response forgoing the thought of repercussions...

Warrior Archetype

In the military the ritual of drilling and killing concentrates on becoming an automatic reflexive response to aggression and survival. My point, the focus of killing without learning how to deal and cope after they go home leaves the returning veteran aimless and without a ritual of connection to community, family, and wholeness. Their formative associations have been left back in the field of combat and killing, where they have left part of themselves with the ones not going home and take with them the guilt of leaving...

Battling PTSD

The identification and reinforcement of values, social skills and anger management techniques along with realizing warning signs and stress management training strategies enables veterans to realize a better life. Without integrating these skill sets into the neurological pathways, the heavily imprinted traumatic axonal entrenchment supersedes conscious thinking processes and the mind seeks behavior reminiscent of the initial trauma. The hyper states of PTSD once engaged result in the continuation of the dominate neurological processes.

A deeper apprehension and awareness has to come forward for our veterans to get the help they need...

Dissociative Spectrum

The incident that solidified the mental wound of PTSD results in a mind numbing, or psychic shift. In response to the trauma of combat, the person needs to make a mental detachment to do what needs to be done. The survival mode of operation forgoes the higher levels of functioning and depends on the primitive reactionary portion of the brain (Cercone, 296). When this unconscious detachment has been activated to frequently or for extended amounts of time it becomes part of conscious processing and interferes with everyday interactions...

Duality Dissociates Discernment

Everyone sets up belief systems, a schema that enable us to react to situations as they arrive. By using this system of rules as a guide in life we can interact in society without having to analyze every aspect of our experience. We can convince ourselves that our ideology is who we are, when in reality living within our dogma cuts us off from a greater understanding and reaching our potentiality. The combat veteran's brain has invoked a divided self to ensure the integrity of the differing internal representations. His or her mind has been subdivided into incompatible subsections to deal with life in the clashing realms of their subconscious...

The Experince of PTSD

Link page for understanding the experince of PTSD.

Combat Rage and What We Might Do With It Now remove this person from the battlefield and look through his/her eyes and tell me of the total ambiguity and discord in society you see and now feel the fight within self to let loose the rage and exterminate all that does not fit the afore mentioned narrow field of forgotten battlefield schemata. Now the real battle begins

A Seemingly Serendipitous Supra-intelligent Guidance of the Subconscious PTSD is not only about personal protection or self preservation but in its essence a mechanism of such endeavors, thus becoming a self-perpetual entity in of itself. Almost as if it has become self-aware and not only will it steer me away from danger, but also away from its own demise; a seemingly serendipitous supra-intelligent guidance of the subconscious.

Alcohol, Drugs and Killing can Become Addictive In the beginning the anxiety I experinced was masked as bravado and a tough guy image feeding on the power that I felt from being aggressive, dominating and coercive. I would instigate situations where I could express my built up anxiety through aggression and engage violence as a repressing mechanism to once again become detached from self and my emotions. I remember always looking for a fight or some excuse to go off on an unsuspecting person to dispel the emotional pain that I was attempting to deny. As time went by this to became troublesome as a coping skill and contributed to my overall anxiety and self-loathing.

Dissociative Spectrum It was like I was dropped off on a alien planet and I could see some things that looked similar to what I know but yet was totally alien in form. Then I tried to access information about me and was denied the information. I tried to think of my name and could not, my identity was foreign to me. I did not know who I was or what I was doing in this place, but I do remember that the place was familiar. I do not know how long this episode lasted, but all of a sudden all everything came back to me in a rush.

Duality Dissociates Discernment The combat veteran's brain has invoked a divided self to ensure the integrity of the differing internal representations. His or her mind has been subdivided into incompatible subsections to deal with life in the clashing realms of their subconscious.

Feeling Dissociative? Dissociation is a tightly woven boundary around the Id, keeping out emotions and people by placing concentric circles within reach and without access. You can see it but cannot touch it...loose associations.

How to Sterilize Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I have had to incorporate a whole lifetime of shit just to get to the point of being able to face my wartime activities. I use the word "activities" to somehow sterilize what I saw. Language showing that I have yet to integrate a significant part of my life.

I Was The Driver, On Point For The Division, So I Saw It All I know that they were the enemy, it was kill or be killed...But my God, when we were shooting at them at hitting them and seeing their tanks and vehicles blowing up in grand fashion, it seemed so beautiful. I remember the sight was so awe inspiring, the turrets flipping end over end, fire spraying upwards to a hundred feet. I could feel in the back of my mind, my humanity, trying to tell me that there were people in those tanks. My mind tried to tell that I could actually see the bodies felling over and over, within the upwelling of fire...no, no that cannot be...I was too far from them to actually see. So I told myself.

Personal Attachments, Before and After Combat Upon penetrating the point of no return in the combat zone the soldier enters into another world of existence that defies all prior knowledge and experience. No amount of training can prepare one for the mental severing of the soul from the body and mind. This cleaving wretches all other affiliations both externally and internally as the body, mind and soul have become compartmentalized from all other aspects of the person. The higher mind and soul become fastened to the absurdity of war and locked away, while out of necessity the body becomes separated and fixated to the immediate arena of kill or be killed. The mind resets the linkage of attachments from the ruble of comfort, contentedness and connectedness to the raging fight for life.

Prisoner of My Beliefs The combat schema, a defined preconditioned set of beliefs and values enabling the warrior to navigate efficiently through the adversity of combat without a detailed consideration of consequences. To engage in a mortal fight with the enemy this schema spells out our actions in a given situation as being preoccupied with survivability of the moment can get you killed. The warrior with PTSD has grown accustomed to the value and belief systems of war and feels threatened when they become faced with having to let go of this security to reintegrate back into society.

Relationship Between Dissociation and Identity...again a commonality in the deeper spectrum of PTSD and identity crisis; a further distancing with the loss of self. I kept going from room to room trying to get away from the "cameras" that I could not see, but was convinced that were there. I was having homicidal thoughts along with the delusions, I kept hearing voices that was telling me to kill everybody and was convinced that I could hear the "in studio audience" laughter. I was convinced that they were laughing at me, which I told myself, "of course they are you are on a TV show." This moment could have been the breaking point and I was extremely close to totally separating from my consciousness.

Structural Dissociation of the Personality The leading theorists on the subject recognize that reactions to extreme stress can lead to one or more differing diagnosis, and that inherent in said traumatic reactions is structural dissociation of the personality. Where three types of structural dissociation have been postulated: primary structural dissociation, secondary structural dissociation and tertiary structural dissociation.

To Do the Deed, the Dance of Death To understand what a person with PTSD goes through "in the moment" we have to think beyond our belief of how we would handle ourselves in a high stress life or death situation. Put self away, go to that place that enables you to kill or be killed.

Would You Want to Forget the Biggest Most Influential Part of Your Life? The sad truth is that the American Public has become blinded to the plight of our vets and this has become evident of the ease to condemn those that commit crimes, and vilify them rather than to actually solve the dilemmas we face. We have become accustomed to ignoring our veterans who have defended our nation, since after WWII we have become your person you love to hate. This is who we are, we who do what you do not want to do and wear the emotional scars and bear your shame.

Zoning Out...I am sitting here going through my rituals of emotional blocking...closing my eyes, putting my right arm across my stomach with my left arm resting on my right. Then I use my hand to run down my face, starting from my forehead then down to my nose...I have been focused on my nose for about three days now, I have been picking at the skin until it is raw. I cannot forget the pausing that I go through when I am in this dissociate position. I zone out for several minutes at a time, I can loose hours if I do not try and meditate or pray...

PTSD Toolbox, A Suggested Guide to PTSD Management

How I arrested the major symptoms of PTSD.

A Suggested Guide to PTSD Management. A toolbox of sorts, steps in learning about how to begin to cope and integrate the fragmented personality.

Battling PTSD. The identification and reinforcement of values, social skills and anger management techniques along with realizing warning signs and stress management training strategies enables veterans to realize a better life. Without integrating these skill sets into the neurological pathways, the heavily imprinted traumatic axonal entrenchment supersedes conscious thinking processes and the mind seeks behavior reminiscent of the initial trauma. The hyper states of PTSD once engaged result in the continuation of the dominate neurological processes.

My PTSD Catharsis Channel. It took me "growing" up through the cognitive-behavioral restructuring of my childhood to adulthood within the safe place of therapy. When I started writing this blog I began the "therapy" and reintegration of my combat and wartime issues.

Thoughts, Feelings and Behavior. I would tell PTSD suffers to begin with these three things and keep them in mind if they want to make changes in their life. Thoughts, feelings and behavior (TFB).Today, the only thing you can change is your behavior, by changing your behavior over time you can change your thoughts and your feelings. The three basics incorporate values and emotion identification.

We Can Not Make It Through The Confines of Our Minds Without The Help of Others. We were trained to feel invincible, and it may even have seemed that way at times, but we did not get through combat without the help from the soldier next to us. We cannot make it through the confines of our minds without the help of others. We could not do it alone in combat, what makes you think that you can make it alone today?

Warriors Survival Skills. Granted that our minds have been overexposed to the primitive portion of our brain and we have a hyper-response thinking landscape, but coming from strengths perspective we do have a vast amount of skill sets to work from.

Dissociation Page

Explanations and Expounding on the phenomenon of Dissociation.

A Spiritual Experience, Piecing Together a Shattered Mind. Later, to defend against remembering an extreme trauma experience, I had convinced myself that the aliens had replaced me, and took me with them to a better place. OH MY GOD, this must have been when I had the angels take me to explore the universe...

Fear of Remembering. The recurring thought intrusions come to bear when the compartmentalized piece or pieces pierces through into our highly guarded and constructed reality. This incursion can be experienced as an all out assault on the person or a mildly disturbing and recurring thought.

Thoughts of Nothingness We Now Find to be Everything. Like being in a place that you are familiar with, but not intimately aware of, the more you become focused, the more realization forms, until you discover that the place you inhabit is in you, that awareness sheds light billowing outward, pushing back the darkness, bringing forward that which integrates thoughts of nothingness that we now find is everything...



Altered States. Poem of sorts giving a fluid intuition of dissociation.

Deep Down Into The Marrow of my Morrow. I have been having these recurring thoughts about actually having to realize some honest to god awful truth about something that happened to me a long time ago. Before, it was just an intellectual exercise in something that I thought that had no bearing on me, other than some subconscious interaction that I know nothing of.

Dissociation, Fructose, Insomnia and Escape...I am in a zone of dissociative self-states. I feel outside of myself, that my boundaries have been blurred. I think that I sometimes get caught up in feeling like this as a means to escape.

Duality Dissociates Discernment. The defensive mechanism overwhelms our thinking process and compartmentalizes our personality. The split in our mental reflections enables a combat veteran to switch from a killer instinct with no remorse to a loving and caring father.

Facades Do Clash. Today I see how you interpreted my willingness to jest with you as a sign of disrespect, for I have been educated in the ways of jousting by seeming immortals of the sport. My pretense in the way that I carried myself during this time was in the order of a knight ready for battle.

Feeling Dissociative?. Sometimes an occurrence will last up to a week or so. Most of the time an event will be in progress before I realize it. I notice that I am less caring or supportive in my conversations. One time my buddy had to tell me that I was being a dick to realize that I had been that way for a whole week.

Honor The Soldier, Betray The Veteran. There is disconnection between everything human and what has to be done in combat. Imagine being in an unimaginable situation and having to do the unthinkable. How can this be done? A detachment between everything human and having to do the inconceivable resounds in combat.

How to Sterilize Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Did anyone catch the out of body experience in the last paragraph? How about the combination of beauty and terror triggering the feeling of awakening and becoming one with the universe? The feeling of becoming one with everything, that experience of being enveloped into absolute existence and consciousness. Never have I felt that kind of completeness since that day.

Searing Images Shearing Surreally. My self discussion dribbles on about we, our, them and I as it were a fight for me. It is no wonder that I sought escape into self medication and anything that would numb me to the pain...

Soldier's Heart, the Swiss Army Knife of Death. In combat or other trauma what can begin as a detachment of emotions from actions can lead to a fractured self, an "othering" and dehumanizing the part of us capable of dispensing death, the "Soldier's Heart" takes on its own persona deep into the shadows . In combat this defensive mechanism, or "tool of death", works well and allows a device within the person to eradicate the enemy who has been assigned a wholly less than human label of demon, enabling denial of the "killer" in us and identifying the burden of blame on its adversary as due adjudication. Thus fracturing and subdividing the mind into non-localized discoherent detachments, all necessary to survive the absurdity of war.

Shadow Persona. The term shadow persona refers to that part of the individual we deny yet that commands great influence over our behavior while projecting responsibility onto stimuli in the environment or other persons. The haziness of this lack of fully identifying with self can be discerned, it takes time and commitment to overcome our natural defensive mechanisms that have been etched into the mind stemming from great pain.

The Blood Runs Thick as The Bonds of Brotherhood. On the night where I had lost myself into psychosis, if the police had shown up, or if someone had confronted me on my abnormal behavior, it would had became real and the psychotic break would have been complete. I was convinced that everyone was out to get me and I would have responded with violence to "protect" myself due to a warped conception of a perceived threat.

The Modern Combat Veteran: Dissociative Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and Influences on Criminality. The USA Today (2008) reported that 68% of all soldiers have been deployed to a combat zone, 31% have been deployed more than once and 2,358 have had more than five tours of duty.

The Vagueness. Poem that tries to convey the fleeting consciousness of a dissociative.

To Do The Deed, The Dance of Death. To understand what a person with PTSD goes through "in the moment" we have to think beyond our belief of how we would handle ourselves in a high stress life or death situation. Put self away, go to that place that enables you to kill or be killed.

Treatment Resistance, A Misconceived Attribution Attached to Combat PTSD.The combat flavor of PTSD has serious implications with identity crisis and integration of the personality. To adjust to killing, a psychic shift must prevail and in doing so splinters the personality, shattering the attachments with significant others and reforming them into the troop-organism, an identification with the combat squad. Separate action systems whereby the individual reformulates their value system in congruence with the combat environment mediate the internal operating system. They have completely replaced their civilian self with a warrior self.

Would You Want to Forget the Biggest Most Influential Part of Your Life? How many times have you heard about the wife waking up in the middle of the night with the Vietnam Vet choking her, he has that 1000 yard stare and a look of death on his face. He comes to and cannot believe that he was back in combat trying to kill charlie when in fact he had his hands around her throat.

Zoning Out. For a person with PTSD their brain has become highly compartmentalized, sectioned off and coordinated along narrowly entrenched connections. The mind will shut down reasoning, conscious processing and engage the unconscious reflexive mechanisms. This controller switch enables the person to react to traumatic situations without filtering sensory information through our conscious mind. Through this defensive mechanism we can survive situations that would otherwise overwhelm us if we had to process the traumatic event in the moment. By the severity of the situation this connection gets heavily imprinted, thus enabling the PTSD sufferer to shift into a stuck position or zoning out. This cognitive binding can be triggered by situations that require emotional response, trusting issues, and really just about anything that requires thinking.